Hypnotic Bed Post
Oceans of blue make
Me want
To sleep
In a magical wonderland
So I
Can dream -
Without blinking - an eye.
But then,
Calm now,
Will I dare to, "Dream" again?
For this
Night terror
Is just an everlasting -
Ocean of blue.
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hey Jon! So this is short and sweet, requires very little nitpicking.
I felt a little underwhelmed with this, honestly. I think the subject matter-- dreams, nightmares, sleep --is so overused in poetry, although it changes everything when you add a twist to it! You did add a twist to your everyday angsty-dream poem, but that twist was just the title. 'Hypnotic Bed Post'. For some reason, that title amuses me. I like it. I just wish you had somehow incorporated it into the poem itself; I don't really feel like you connect the ideas well enough.
In such a short, simplistic poem (which is, of course, completely okay) I believe that it's essential all of the ideas come across clearly. But you have this little discrepancy on the eighth line, with the 'But then'. I don't feel like this transition is complete. And, in a way, it doesn't make sense. Why?
1.) This transition in completely unprompted. Nothing happens to cause the narrator's opinion on the oceans of blue to change. One minute it's magical, the next a night terror? Why is what I think you fail to explain. What's with this sudden change?
2.)
I really like your formatting everywhere else, which is saying something, since normally I die a little inside whenever someone capitalizes the first letter in every line. xD But I think your formatting really got across this hypnotic, detached effect, which is probably what you were aiming for. But this dash in from of 'an eye' seems random and unnecessary. Please execute it promptly.
Also! These three lines bothered me. It just doesn't compute. You say that you want to be able to dream without blinking an eye, but those two ideas (dreaming and blinking) aren't directly connected. Urg, does that make any sense? I mean, people dream when they're asleep, and they don't blink while they're asleep, so generally people don't blink while dreaming anyway.
For example, it's like someone saying 'I wish I could eat without wiggling my big toe' or something, for a rather horrible comparison. xD Since you don't wiggle your big toe while you're eating anyway, it's a rather unnecessary thing to want.
And yes, I'm crazy. If you need me to think this through a bit more and figure out how to word it better, juts PM me. ^^ As a whole, this is a really solid, short poem, but because of its simplicity there's little to no room for confusion.
~Evi
Nice. It was so short and to the point and packed with...umph? Yeah, umph. I like. Keep it up.
-Rena-
Jon, awesome. I could actually get what it is saying, unlike some poetry when I, some one who knows nothing, am utterly confused. Good job. I also don't know if I've ever see someone write like that, the way you did the lines, it was original or at least I thought it was.
~peanut~