z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 1-Chapter 3

by Jolley10101


CHAPTER 1

THE BEGINNING

“Brayden.” The mysterious voice seemed as if it were everywhere. “Where are you Brayden?” I must be dreaming. Where am I? This is crazy! The room or, whatever it is, was dark and foggy. It was odd, but I felt unsettled. “Brayden!”

A piercing scream escaped my lungs as something whooshed past me. Suddenly a person appeared. I saw a long face appear. It was white literally, his face. He had fiery red eyes and a bright red streak around his mouth. He had Green shiny, slimy hair. He stared at me. I desperately tried to run. Something seemed to be forcing me or holding me back. Then he darted toward me! I let out a scream.

I was awake; sweating in my bed, I realized it was the nightmare again. I sat up slowly. I looked at the clock, 8:16, I jumped in surprise I was late again. My teachers are going to be so angry. Arghh! I thought. I hurried and got ready restlessly. I wondered. Who was that face and why was I dreaming about that, did I watch Batman again? I paced in my room for a little while forgetting I was late, but then I heard shuffling in the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen a little nervous from my dream. It was my mom; she was awake and eating scrambled eggs.

“Brayden, I thought you were at school. Have you been having those nightmares again?” Mom asked.

“Yeah, I have. Did Jack leave.” I asked. Jack, my brother, probably did leave for school, but I just wanted to change the subject.

“How about you just stay home,” Yes! I thought. “And hang out with me.” Yikes.

Soon the day was over. It kind of relaxing but irritating, because Mom would not stop talking; but now I was sound asleep.

I heard a yell. I looked where I heard the scream. It was a person or bee! It was right next to me. I looked at it more closely; it had clear wings, and a black stinger. It had a shape of a human body and blond hair. I’ve seen many weird things and apparently have died in my dreams so I asked him, “Are you a wasp or a human?”

“Shhhhh! I’m both, but leave; he’s going to catch you and me. Wait, how did you suddenly appear?”

“I’m dreaming.” I responded,” You are not real, right?”

“What I-" He was cut off. He lifted up in the air and started to scream. I looked over saw the clown figure again. The clown guy was raising his arm, then he clenched his fist and the wasp person started gasping for air. He was chocking I had to save him! I jumped in the air, moved the person he fell and got away, but I didn’t. I was gasping for air now, in midair. My vision was blurry and I woke up. This time I was on the couch. It was midnight.

I yawned in exhaustion as I wondered how I got on the couch when I fell asleep.

I was in a village it was sad when I saw people in chains linked up together working like slaves. “What’s going on? Why are you chained up?” I asked. To an elderly man

“We are always like this, all my life we have and will be forever.” The other man closer to me said. He seemed so depressed and hopeless. Suddenly I see behind him, what looked like an officer or chief was whipping a person, a slave.

“Hey,” I blared, everyone was looking at me, "Who do you think you are!” Fury raged like a fire in me. I was ticked off. I jumped over the chain and walked over to him. “Who do you think you are?” I grabbed the whip and brutally whipped him.

He had a black mustache and hair. He fiercely fought back. “I will arrest you if you don’t stop under my authority!” He blared. I didn’t stop though. Blood was all over his face and his back. Suddenly he leaped at me with a power of energy. He punched me in the face and I fell to the floor. I was surprised when I didn’t feel pain in my back from the whip. Suddenly I looked up and saw the guy who was being whipped fighting with other people against the officer. I started to help when he called for backup. I grabbed his walkie-talkie and tried saying false alarm, but I realized it was a hologram. A hologram, what! I was shocked, the person on the end of the hologram was probably as shocked as me, but I somehow shut it off luckily. Everyone was then tying him up when some officers came and arrested some people and shot some people with laser guns. Some people were still fighting even when they were chained up. It was chaos until more units of soldiers arrived. A few soldiers arrived and were ordered to capture me. I ran as fast as I could.

They were gaining up when I heard a helicopter noise and saw a gigantic shadow. I was wondering what was going on and I was frightened that what was coming was deadly. I ran and as I ran I looked up and saw a spiked ball lower rapidly from the sky. It was about as big as the moon. I also recognized it was going to land on me and everyone else. I ran frantically! It was going to be too late when suddenly it jerked and landed fast or crashed. Dirt lashed me and beat me. The mud burned my eyes and the clashing noise stung my ears. I screeched and screamed as I fell to the floor and the last thing I remembered was blood on my hand and people rushing over to me.

It was morning. I had woken up and left for school. I was extremely fatigued. I was in math studies, and I began to fall asleep. My eyelids could not keep open. Then I slipped into a deep sleep.

It emerged that I was in the bizarre helicopter in an uncanny hospital bed. The nurse looked very astonished. She ran out of the room. Then after a while another figure came in and it was the wasp man!

“Who are you?” I questioned. I remembered he was the one who abandon me.

“I am General Wasp of the Rebellion.” He looked afraid, but confidence. “How are you still alive?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you died. What else do you think I mean? Guards, kill him! He could be Crooked in disguise.” I was terrified. I looked left and there were two guards, not in armor.

I yelled. They grabbed me and started pointing their weird guns at me, they looked had a red bulb on top of the guns. They were big and bulk. They were gold but with rust. “Hey, hey, hey, what do you mean, I’m innocent! Who is C-Crooked?” The soldiers started triggering. Boom!

“Brayden,” Raged my teacher, "detention now!”

“For what?” I scowled.

“For snoozing!”

“Geez.” I whispered.

“Get out of my classroom, now!”

That was a bad day, but this was the last of my worries. I got in giant trouble from detention. I was grounded and had to go to bed early. I was glad though to go to bed. I was exhausted. I lifted my feet and head back. I fell asleep straightaway. I was in a hall full of lights some lights were buzzing on and off. I was sitting down. I looked up. There looked like a janitor with a floating vacuum.

“Y-you were d-d-dust. What are you? How…” He said.

“Where am I?”

“We are in the airship owned by the H.I.V.E.: heroic individuals, villain extinguishers.” As I stood up the janitor stumbled to the weird looking alarm. He pressed it quietly then it alarmed piercingly. Immediately guards ran down the empty hallway. Many of them were shocked and some were petrified. Suddenly they immediately lined up two lines and blocked all the doors. Then Wasp walked into the hall.

“What is going on Leo?” He barked.

“He was dust, Sir.” The janitor remarked.

“Who?”

“Him!” Leo pointed at me. Wasp stared at me with awe. He looked angry and confused.

“I thought we killed him. Kaleb I thought you killed him… come here.”

“Yes, Sir.” A figure stepped forward. I could not see his face because it was covered, which seemed to be a fighter pilot mask.

“Did you kill him?”

“Yes, General.”

“Then why is he here?”

“I do not know, Sir.”

“Okay. You may go back.”

“Yes Sir, General Wasp.” He saluted then went back to his original location.

“How are you still alive? Do you use magic; are you expected to be our king? Are you here to save us?” The last thing he said stuck out to me. Are you here to save us? I thought.

“What do you mean? Magic isn’t real and me a king, are you crazy? Also, what do you mean save us?”

“You really don’t know do you.”

“Know what?”

“You died!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Yeah it’s a dream, right?” I said brusquely.

“What are you talking about?” He paused. “Give me your name.” He demanded. I stood up. I walked over to General Wasp. His two guards pointed their complex guns at me.

“I’m Brayden and I am dreaming on Earth right now. This is a dream. You’re all fake, you’re images in my mind.” I said rudely.

“Arth?” A soldier said.

“It’s a planet in the Milky Way.” I told him.

“Milky Way? You got to be kidding me.” Wasp laughed. The men laughed in the background. “You really are serious… bring me the prophesy scroll Adam.” A soldier immediately walked down the hall and turned left. A few minutes later he came back. Adam gave wasp two metal sticks attached to each other. Wasp pulled the metal sticks apart, up and down, and a hologram appeared with words on it. He started reading. “A fall happening. Sadness, misery shall end from one who is from Earth. More wars: wars, blood, sadness shall come again because of one person. From the Light.”

“What does that mean? Also, who is the light?” I queried.

“First, the light, he is the King of all Dreamworld. Secondly, he never come’s and help saves us. And lastly, I don’t know what it means, but it has to do with us and you.” He paused and said, “It says you will cause us sadness and misery. Guards take him to the interrogation section.” Two guards grabbed me by the arm and dragged me down the hall and turned on the right. The hall was dark and gloomy just like the other one. We turned three times down another halls and then turned on the forth door on the left. They tied me to a metal chair and aimed a bizarre laser in the center of my head. They turned a creepy switch on and oddly I got super dizzy. I heard questions and when I wanted to fib I told the truth.

“Are you from Earth?”

“Yes.”

“Are you dreaming?”

“Yes.” And so on. They asked a lot of questions. When they were done I abruptly fell asleep. I woke up, on the ground, in an odd wood. It was sunset and it was going to get dark soon. I was beginning to walk, when I heard a clatter in the distant bush ahead of me! I walked over to it. It rattled once more than a little creature came out. It looked slimy and had large fangs like a snake. Millions of tiny legs as a centipede have. It had snake-like body, red eyes. And a stinger of a scorpion and sharp wings like a dragon. It looked quite foul. Immediately another came out, then another and another and another. Then a huge one came out of a nearby cave. Apparently it was the mom because it growled and charged at me. It pierced me with its long fang, but that was not what killed me. It slid its slimy skin against me. It burned me. I felt extremely weak. I was being poisoned. The slime went in my skin I went blind; my skin was sweaty. My nose could not smell. I felt as of my head was going to explode. I wanted to already die.

Then my vision came back. I was hallucinating. I saw the strange creature leap towards me. It looked like a giant, black, zombie-like creature. It looked moldy and its fangs were rotten. The surrounding was swirly around me. The creature missed, which did not kill me. Then I was feeling sick and barfed. My head felt like it was melting. My legs were wobbly and my bones felt like they were shaking. Then my eyes rolled to the back of my head. Then my lungs filled up with blood, I could not breath I coughed blood, my eyes poured out with blood.

I was yet again sweating in my soggy bed. I saw the light turn on. It was at least five in the morning. I was tired and sleepy and fatigued until I fell asleep.

I woke up by an old house it looked abandoned, with cobwebs and rotten wood, for it was a log cabin. It creaked with noise and the bark was broken. I walked up to the faded red door. I opened it. It creaked open. Spider webs were every corner. Dust was everywhere; I sneezed. I heard something from the corner under the table to the left. My heart was thumping. I took three steps. “Go away! I paid my taxes! You already killed my dad, now leave me alone…” It was a little boy who said that, he was about nine or ten. He had red hair and blue eyes. Immediately, he began to sob. I was in shock I did not know what to say. I was heartbroken for the boy.

“Are you okay?” I question. He did not answer. “I promise I won’t hurt you.” Still no reply from the little boy. “Could you please answer me, because I do not know what the heck is going on here and I need answers?” I was getting frustrated and there was still no reply. I looked under the table to find he was gone! I looked around the room and I saw something run into the other room a few feet in front of me. I walked over. I heard something to my right. I looked and I was hit extremely hard with a wooden bat. I felt a bruise coming, but nothing else. I saw the kid he had the wooden bat. He came at me fast. I jumped to my left and crashed into a bookshelf. My head got stuck in one of the shelves. I saw a very strange type of spider. I got out. Then the kid was not attacking me.

“You are not an officer, are you?” He said.

“That’s what I have been saying!”

“Sorry, but let’s move on. Hi, I’m Tommy, but you can call Tom.”

“I’m Brayden.” I grunted.

“So want to be friends?”

“Not interested,” Then I started to think about it, “you know what we can be friends, if you tell me where I am and what’s going on and who Crooked is?”

“Okay.”

“So can you tell me about it?”

“Sure, so Crooked he was born eons ago in Dreamworld with mysterious powers, and somehow went insane. He killed our beloved king with his wicked powers, then he made everyone suffer, by chaining them up and making them slaves.”

“Wait, but what is Dreamworld?” I questioned, “And how was he alive for that many of years?”

“Because he has and had magic. Also, Dreamworld is a never-ending world. It is our planet.” I was astonished. Another world that I visit in my sleep? It was like another dimension. Then I wondered who named it Dreamworld and why.

“Why and who named it Dreamworld?” I asked.

“Well, the first King of all the Dreamworlds named it that because he said he came here from dreaming from an odd planet named E-Arth… I think that’s what he said.” I was stupefied.

“What! How is this even possible? Are you kidding me, please say you are?” Tom had wide-eyes looking at me. He looked scared. Then I realized my hands were gripped on his shoulder. Then suddenly I heard the door explode open.

“They are here…” He whispered.


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Wed May 10, 2017 2:18 am
Kimball says...



You know what I think. I will keep helping.




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Mon May 01, 2017 3:51 pm
Kimball says...



Great book my dood.




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Tue Apr 04, 2017 2:25 am
Kimball says...



Hello all yall im Jolley's friend so make sure to check out my book




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Sun Feb 05, 2017 3:21 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Finally here as requested! :D

First of all, I love your idea. I don't read a ton of fantasy, but I think the idea of going into a dreamworld and having to fight these battles and things all within the dreamworld. I think it adds an interesting element because this is just a seemingly normal guy. He can't control the fact that he falls asleep and when he does, he's brought into this big world he doesn't understand and he has this big mission that he doesn't feel he signed up for. Awesome! Reminds me of Inception in a way :)

I think the biggest thing for you to work on is just slowing down. A lot of stuff happens in this chapter. It's great that you have so many ideas and you want to show us lots of stuff, but when so much happens in the first chapter, it starts to feel overwhelming for the reader. I'm not sure what I should be focusing on or what I need to remember.

Try to focus on one or two big events in this chapter. I loved that you brought us right into the plot and got to the point and to the problem that's going to drive the plot forward - the stuff at the end about being the cause of madness and misery for these people in the dreamworld. But, so much other stuff happens, it starts to feel overshadowed. Think about what you absolutely have to show us in order to get the plot moving. I think the most important things to show would be:
*the character in one of these vivid, scary dreams
*the impact these dreams are having on this life, how does it affect school, friends, family, etc. or what he thinks/feels about the dreams
*then showing the dream in which he learns about the prophecy
Everything else is interesting, but it distracts from the main message of this chapter, so I would save some of that for later.

The other big thing I think you could work on to help propel your writing to the next level, is working on showing instead of telling. In this chapter, you're doing a lot of telling - first this happened, then this, then this, then this..." It gets the point across, but the reader won't feel much as they read. I want to feel like I'm there with your character experiencing this alongside him, which is hard to do! It takes a lot of practice.

I'd recommend checking out the Knowledge Base here on YWS. These are articles written by fellow members about all things writing. I reference articles in here every week! There's some good stuff! Peruse some of the articles, but I think the articles about description and plot might be helpful to you at this stage.

I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story, and let me know if there's anything I can help you with in the future! :D




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:25 am
EvangelineFire wrote a review...



Hello, EvangelineFire here for a review on behalf of Team Pencils and Swords! :D Here we go.


To start, I want to say that this is all over the place. One second we're here, another we're here, then we're back here. It just jumps from place to place to place, and we get no time at all to adjust. You need to take the time to slow down and describe things. What does your character see? What's around him? How does he feel? And don't just tell us how he feels, show us how he feels, which is something you've been neglecting to do. Is his heart pounding? Are his fist clenched? Not only will this help slow everything, it will add a whole new dimension to your story.

None of this chapter makes much sense. This certainly goes hand in hand with slowing down and explaining things, but I feel like everything was forced upon me all of a sudden. I can't tell when your character is dreaming and when he isn't. The Wasp scene is even more confusing and unexplained. I know you probably have answers in later chapters, but you have to give us something to make this not feel so far fetched. Even though everyone knows the stuff that happens in fantasy isn't real, it should still feel like it is to some extent. You need to portray that in your stories.

One of the first things I noticed is how choppy your writing is. Everything happens in a blur and I don't feel like I have time to catch my breath before you're already describing something else. Many writers struggle with making their sentences too long-winded and complicated, but others fall too short while writing. Generally speaking, shorter sentences are often better, particularly while writing a fight scene. But when there are too many short sentences, this leads to a very exhausting read. Add more detail to your sentences, combine some. Don't make them so rushed and alternate between long and short while writing.

I don't believe the fight scene with the man who was whipping the slaves. There is no way the man would let a child come up, take his whip, and starting beating him with it. It just isn't realistic. It also seems far fetched to me that this one kid could stir up so much chaos, even if the slaves started to fight back. This place is guarded, right? It seems to me that guards would immediately be able to handle the situation and end it right there. But maybe there's something I'm missing. I honestly don't feel like I got the full picture of what was going on.

Your dialogue feels forced and unrealistic. Some of the things people say, especially your main character, just don't feel like what an actual person would say. Take the time to evaluate each piece of dialogue and try to imagine actual people having this conversation. I know a lot of the time authors have a character ask or say something that just doesn't fit the moment just to give the reader a bit of important information. Try to avoid this at all costs. It just makes your dialogue forced, find another way to get this information across.

The following is minor corrections/nitpicks:

1)I feel like the first paragraph should be split up. Right now it's a just a jumbled mess of thoughts and dialogue. Adding paragraphs will add much more suspense to your writing, as it takes longer for the information to digest.

2) You tend to repeat yourself a lot, and by that I mean use the same words right together. Examples are, "red eyes and a bright red" , "a person appeared. I saw a long face appear." While there is technically nothing wrong with this, personally I find it tiresome to read the same word twice within the same couple of sentences. My suggestion is to find a synonym for the word you want to use.

3) One of the best bit of advice I've ever heard is, "If a sentence isn't strong enough without an exclamation point, then it shouldn't be there at all." I think this is something you can benefit from. Exclamations points don't make your writing more exciting, nor does it help drive home what you're trying to say. For me, I say it does the opposite. Please use your exclamation points sparingly, and NEVER outside of dialogue.


To end, I think you have a really good story going here. It definitely has potential and I think you should continue it. It needs work, just like all other stories, but it's also fascinating and has a cool concept. Nice job. ^-^

If you have any questions or need clarification about anything I've said above, please ask, I'd love to discuss it with you.

- Evie <3




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Tue Jan 24, 2017 8:59 pm
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rebelpilot wrote a review...



Hello Jolley10101. This is my first review.

Firstly I liked the way you described everything as it gave me enough information to picture what this world looks like but is not so much that you have to read through long and unimportant descriptions. I also liked how you added some tension at the end and didn't explain everything right away so that people will want to keep reading.

It was a bit confusing at times as the story was moving very fast however this wasn't to bad. There were also a few spelling mistakes but I am not going to go through them all unless you want me to.

Overall I really enjoyed your story and hope that you continue it.




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Tue Jan 24, 2017 3:08 am
Jolley10101 says...



Sorry, I meant only chapter 1.






Hey guys, I am another one of jolley10101s freinds and i hope you all check out my book: THE HUNTERS ARENA




If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman