The sinking sun, pink on the horizon
making gold the grey mountain, and glowing
headlights on the highway, charging through the gold and heavy mists.
So well aware of the oncoming dark, the autumn leaves
Just won't stop glowing.
Sitting, smooth, on the golden hillside,
Your eyes, golden and immortal, shine.
My arms reaching toward you...
I could write about you day and night.
I could trap this moment in a bead of amber.
But it would be just another golden
Silence.
Just another layer of shellac, distorting your reflection.
Just another pane of glass between You
and me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello!
I really like how this ended.
So with “making” and “headlights” you showed that you weren’t capitalizing every line… but then you went ahead and capitalized every line. Pick one! You don’t have to capitalize every line, but consistency is important!
Also, you capitalized “you” at the end. I don’t know if you did that on purpose, but since you didn’t have it capitalized anywhere else, I figured it might be a mistake.
There is so much “gold” imagery in this that all that’s in my head is gold. I liked the pink right at the start, but I think “golden and immortal eyes” was a bit too much (on top of being rather impossible and cliché.) I do like the “golden silence” though.
Yes, I know English allows one to do this, but I find it a bit pretentious. Why NOT just say “making the grey mountains gold”? I have the same complaint with the line about “autumn leaves”.
Read this out loud. Does this all make sense to you as a sentence? I begin to lose my way around “glowing.” What is the subject here? I think you tried to squish two sentences into one. Or one incomplete sentence onto a complete sentence. Please revise.
First of all, ugh, more gold. Secondly, what is smooth here? I have no clue.
And then… perfect ending. Love it.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
All noted and internalized although ( I shudder to admit ) most of these choices were intentional. I wanted there to be an overbearing presence of the gold to show the conscious alteration of memory, and also to prepare you for the amber bead and shellac references. My language is carbuncular because I was supposed to use enjambment, but it is awfully confusing. I dunno though. Something about the run-on appeals to me. Im going to try to manipulate that facet of the poem in the future, as I like what it suggests about the narrators psyche, but here its just awkward and raw. Thanks for the time once again! Im really honored to be so closely examined. :3
I agree whole heartedly with your previous comment the orientation you have chosen though unique is is confusing and a bit distracting which is too bad since your poem is fantabulous.
)
The overal flow and structure of your work is awesome (poem level awesome sauce
So all in all other than the format everything is grand (be proud and celebrate), as far as corrections go I have none to speak of so good for you and happy review day!
Stay fabulous today and forever!!!
-Carmenblue
Happy review day to you as well! I will work on the format. ( Dankesha <3 )
hmm.....
I loove this poem to be completely honest XD.
I think my favorite part of it is your visual additions-- they add life and, well, a way to visualize your message.
This poem is very inspiring. Nice to read, too.
Clearly free-verse, but at the same time it's hard to decipher if you're going for any sort of rhythmic feel or not.
Also, might I add, the thing I love most about good poetry is its content- and I love all your similes, metaphors, and wording. As an aspiring poet, I look up to this style and skill such as yours.
That's really about all I have. Not much but praise. I would love to hear more!
And, of course, welcome to YWS!!
~iron.n
oh thank you so much. Your kindness is inspiring in itself :3. I will certainly keep writing! Thank you!
Hey, Johanna. This really beautifully written. As the reader, I can see exactly what you were going for here. For me this was like a moment so full of emotion, time froze. You've portrayed a moment of loss and longing almost as if it's suppose to be beautiful..like how when someone close to you dies, you realize how precious life is.
I'm not sure about how you've oriented the poem. You have it so the lines go back and forth and you've left a large gap between 'my arms' and 'reaching toward you.' I'm guessing you did this for dramatic effect. I don't mind the gap between 'my arms' and 'reaching toward you,' as the gap almost seems like a space in which you would reach across. However, I find the back and forth nature of the lines a tad distracting from the beauty of the poem. I would experiment with maybe having the text flow together straight, and then centering it. You could also experiment with different fonts. Maybe some italics. I love that your last two words are isolated. I also love how you isolated the word silence.
You really did a stupendous job with this piece. Keep writing.
--MS
Thank you Thank you! I see what you are saying. I tend to avoid messing with format for that reason. Maybe if I right align all the text, it would emphasize the points where I do break from format...? I think so. Anyway, thank you for the feedback, and making me feel warm and fuzzy :3