And as the breath left his body
I lost the only one that mattered to me
my husband
my best friend
my guardian
until the end
Remember, we promised, didn't we?
Together forever, and now it's just me.
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140,275 Literary Works • 673,070 Reviews
Hello there!
I'll explain!
Happy review day! Mialynire here for a review. I like what you have here. I find it rather twisted!
First off, the title. "Poisoned?" For a poetry about memories, it's an unusual one. Only if you don't mean it in a slight different way... Here, was the wife somehow responsible for the husband's death (Like, poisoned him?) even though she loved him? That stuff do happen, you know? xD I study crime and I've found plenty of cases like that. Whatsoever, that's just a suggestion!
Second thing is the first line. Little objection there! :3 "And as the breath left his body" this could sound better... Like, as he passed his last breath or something even better!
Now, the rest of the poem. It's little too short, you see? When writing memories, one tends to write prolonged details. Like, from the beginning- how did they meet, how the events took place, every little silly things.. :') But, tis your choice, after all.
I loved how you ended. We all promise a whole lot of things, but, can we pull all it off at the end of the day? :') On the other hand, death is unavoidable..
Anyway, loved your work! Keep writing. All the love! xx
Also, Hello from my team, Team Jawbreaker!
Thank you so much! ^^ The guy's husband was poisoned, leading to his death, so it was a more literal title. It doesn't really fit without context, huh?
Anyway, this was written about two of my characters, who have their own story (although I haven't posted it all here). ^^
Hi, Aly here with a review.
This was pretty short, so there's not too much to critique, but I do have some things to say about it. First off, I liked this a lot. The rhyme at the end gives me a very lost, somehow bittersweet, and nostalgic feeling. The only advice I can really come up with is grammar-related. Each 'my' should be capitalized. Each sentence should end with a period or a comma. Also, in the second line I feel like the word 'that' should be changed to 'who'.
Well, that's all I can think of. I hope this review helped anyways.
-AlyTheBookworm