Latitudes, Longitudes, and Magnetism
She paced the room, moving about every inch of the cold, uncarpeted floor:
To Europe? To Asia? To anywhere and everywhere!
To spontaneity! To freedom! To burning tedium, breaking bore!
I remember when my kiss pierced through your lips, through the air.
I sent a postcard so you’d know I’ve been living free,
I drew a map of the reckless routes cleaving back to you.
Still, my hair’s dampened by – and my skin is stained with – your bleak debris;
You’ve stained my thoughts with a strange taboo.
It’s dangerous to think of… – I’ll mail this, and banish you from my mind.
But I drew a map of the reckless routes cleaving back to you;
I don’t think you’ll trace them; I understand the eyes of Venus are blind.
Separated by the bile-filled belly of the Earth, we must remain – not one – but two.
But what do you hope for when you’re alone beneath the blanket of night?
Please tell me, what prayer does your inner glow of green recite?
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hey!
Ooer. This was indeed pretty fantastic. I hate that there's so much crap here that gets attention, while the good pieces get neglected. This is good. Very good, I thought. I do have to question why the first line is in third person, the rest in first?
I thought, while the idea itself isn't new [what is these days though really?], the execution and creative spin on it, was beautiful.
Truly well done.
Adios!
This is beautifully written, but I find it a bit hard to understand. After the first three lines (which, by the way, I find just perfect) the point-of-view changes from third to first person. After that I have trouble understanding who the speaker is. Is it a girl?
I think that the first line here sounds a bit too much like prose. Could you rewrite it more poetically? I love the second line.
The "eyes of Venus" makes it sound like the speaker is addressing a girl. Maybe I'm reading it wrong? The "bile-filled belly of the Earth" left me confused. But I love the end of that line.
GENIUS.
So, this might've sounded harsh but what I'm trying to say is:
1. I love this.
2. It's confusing.
3. But that doesn't bother me, because it is so beautiful.
-rachel