MIST
Hanging over valleys
Clinging to the trees.
Hiding this great land
From viewers
Like you and me.
A blanket blowing in the wind
Rising and falling.
A white sea covering the mountains
Flowing with out a sound.
In the bright of the morning,
In the dark of the night,
It flys in with the soft wind,
To cover everything from sight.
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Canary word: Present
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140,108 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hello I'll be your reviewer. My advice for ya is basically you have something here but nothing to quite wrap it around. Let me explain.
See way it starts it sounds like a metaphor, it seems like you're using the mist to describe something, a feeling, an emotion some event. It's not nice to tease and this poem does it right away. See, you could work on describing many facets with this weather event, whether mystery, sadness, regret or anything else.
Now to go on there much you could have done here, but you wasted it on just working on the one image of this mist. Whereas for this poem be better it was used to elaborate on the theme of poem, whatever it was you wanted to address.
But enough on that...
Okay, I've go on enough about what I felt you should have done. Now to explain my other problems and maybe what I liked. For instance it was very solid throughout. But sometime the rhyming came off kinda forced or clunky in parts. See I see this poem more as a skeleton of something better, something you put all your heart and soul into. This is more like a layout or notes of even greater piece.
So my advice is this, keep this but begin to work on exploring some theme in it, some theme you feel means a lot to you. I really hoped this helped and as my first review I hope this is helpful to you.
this was a really good poem. I'd like to see more of your poems!
I really liked this
I can't say I'm much of a poet or writer, so I don't think I can give you a whole lot of direction. But i can say, that as a reader, this was really interesting. It was something that made me wonder, as opposed to me falling asleep midsentence.
So Great Job
Hey there!
I thought that this was very well written actually! However, I'm not sure about your last few lines.
Firstly, I do agree with the 1st reviewer that more punctuation is needed because at some points you're missing out on some of the potential effect that I think you could achieve here if fluency was given a nice boost. Secondly, I'd suggest that you don't actually use the word "Mist" in the poem because I read the start of this thinking "wow that's great and so imaginative and original" and then when you came to actually mentioning mist I felt that the mystery was stripped away from me a little bit and I think you could improve this by reinstating some of that.
Anyway, hope this helps and keep writing!
Ben
Nice. *LIKED* But may I suggest, just for certain crazy reasons, changing it from the mist hiding the land, to the mist hiding in the land. Otherwise, you didn't really give us any reason why the mist shouldn't hide the land. You could perhaps explain what you see just through the mist (A golden autumn leaf! The beautiful, Western Reef!) get it? I hope this helped.
Fly On,
Hero.
I like how you tried to write this poem to be flowing, but I really think you should use some more punctuation. At the very least, I would end each stanza with punctuation of some sort. Other than that, I can find nothing to critique here. An interesting poem! I look forward to reading more of your work.