Young Writers Society

My stomach is turning,
and spinning very fast.
My head is pounding,
like a bomb about to blast.

My hands are sweating,
smoldering, very charred. the 'very charred' sounds awkward, like you're taking notes
My eyes are watering,
like the rain upon the yard . When you hear rain you think of soothing, slow paced and healing. 'storm' is differnt, more violent. It could work if you were describing your tears coming like a storm or something.

My ears are ringing
screeching very high. the 'very' again sounds awkward
My heart is bursting,
like a firework in July. i like this

In These troubled times, no ones’ to blame,
lost love is not the cause.
But feelings of defeat and shame,
result and show my flaws. So.. you are to blame?

The way it feels to fail,
to try, and not succeed.comma
Brings about a sharp inhale,
for, your test I did misread. I loved this stanza, kudos

Someone already stole the critques I was going to give you. In general...I liked this poem a lot. You were really able to convey your emotions in a clear and concise way. (Also liked the imagery!) You don't need to improve, just keep on doing what you're doing and it'll be smooth sailing for you!

Your poem was very intricately described and that was very amazing.
The physical feelings were so nicely written I can actually feel it and you know what I know exactly what you mean. The next time I feel like a failure, I'll quote your poem. Hope you don't mind:)

Hello. ^_^

Nitpicks:

like a firework in July.

These troubled times, no ones’ to blame,

But feelings of defeat and shame,
result and show my flaws.

Brings about a sharp inhale,
for, your test I did misread.

I love your poem, its awesome. It really describes that feeling, and it has simply perfect imagery!!! I really like the first lines, and the metaphors are my favorite part!! Keep writing!!!

I like this poem because it is very true!

Hey Jessa! I kind of hope this wasn't a real life experience! I hate failing tests!

Anyway, a quick grammatical edit:

These troubled times, no ones’ to blame, <-- no one's... notice the apostrophe placement!

I would love to see more emotional realization of the failure! You have this really awesome build up, but then it kind of pops really abruptly. And I, being the gossip whore that I am, would really love to see this get a lot more juicier in the emotions department.

WritersUnleashed and Kafkaescence,
Thank you for your edits/opinions. They will help me a lot

-Jessa

My stomach is turning,
spinning very fast.#FF0000 ">very? no
My head is pounding,
like a bomb about to blast.

My hands are sweating,
smoldering, very charred.#FF0000 ">again, very?
My eyes are watering,
like the rain upon the yard .#FF0000 ">upon doesn't really sound right

My ears are ringings
creeching very high.
My heart is bursting,
like a firework in July.

These troubled times, no ones’ to blame,
lost love is not the cause.
But feelings of defeat and shame
,result and show my flaws.

The way it feels to fail,
to try, and not succeed.
Brings about a sharp inhale,
for, your test I did misread.

My stomach is turning,
spinning very fast. #FF0000 ">Meh. Bland. Think of a more creative way to say this.
My head is pounding,
like a bomb about to blast.

My hands are sweating,
smoldering, very charred. #FF0000 ">Again. The "very" throws this whole thing off.
My eyes are watering,
like the rain upon the yard . #FF0000 ">You accidentally put a space between "yard" and the period. Also, I'd think of a different comparison. This doesn't really work.

My ears are ringing
screeching very high. #FF0000 ">*sigh* And I wouldn't say "screeching" is quite the right word, either.
My heart is bursting,
like a firework in July.

These troubled times, no ones’ to blame,
lost love is not the cause. #FF0000 ">Much too halted.
But feelings of defeat and shame,
result and show my flaws. #FF0000 ">Reword this. The phrasing sounds off.

The way it feels to fail, #FF0000 ">Avoid the alliteration.
to try, and not succeed. #FF0000 ">You don't have to give us the definition of "fail." I think we know what it means.
Brings about a sharp inhale,
for, your test I did misread.

kimalane21 - You hit it exactly correct! I wrote this poem because I'm pretty sure I failed my Pre-Calc test today. I am glad you were able to catch that. Also, thanks for the advice.

DelanieHeart - I liked what you had to say and when I looked back at my poem I understand what you mean with the verys. I am glad you liked it.

Jenn - Thank you for the praise, it helps with confidence! I will PM you next time I post

-Jessa

This is really good. I liked it a lot. Keep writing. PM me when you post more work.
Jenn

My stomach is turning,
spinning very fast. The "very" in this line ruins the flow. Perhaps choose a more advanced word
My head is pounding,
like a bomb about to blast. Yay! Nice. ^.^

My hands are sweating,
smoldering, very charred. Again with the "very". It disrupts flow
My eyes are watering,
like the rain upon the yard .

My ears are ringing
screeching very high. Very... XD
My heart is bursting,
like a firework in July. Good line here

These troubled times, no ones’ to blame,
lost love is not the cause.
But feelings of defeat and shame,
result and show my flaws. What do you mean by result. It's slightly confusing here

The way it feels to fail,
to try, and not succeed.
Brings about a sharp inhale,
for, your test I did misread. Take out the comma after "for". I like this rhyme here and it's a very good ending

this is a great poem i really like it. i get the sense that you like to do good in school, and you're mad about not getting a good grade on your test. just remember not to let school get too much in the way of you being you keep writing!