Published April 6, 2011
This poem is also being used for the NaPo contest, but I wanted feedback on it. Please let me know what needs fixing 
Just Fishing
Yes this is a poem,
about a girl and a boy.
They live in the same town,
in the heart of Illinois.
He loves her,
and she loves him.
Neither says anything,
or goes out on a limb.
Afraid of what,
the other might say.
They find it safe,
to hide their feelings away.
Little do they know,
the way they feel for each other.
They decide to take it slow,
One day after another.
* * *
"We could go fishing?"
she says with a grin.
"Okay," I say,
chills creep over my skin.
This is the perfect time,
to tell her how I feel.
My passion for her,
I need to reveal.
She things we're just fishing,
but to me it's so much more.
My heart is pounding,
too hard to ignore.
I swear she can hear it,
as she looks deep into my soul.
"I love you," spills out,
I lose all self-control.
She looks shocked,
but then I see a smile.
"I love you too," she says,
"and boy, that took a while."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,462 Literary Works • 674,481 Reviews
Hi, Jessa! I saw your plea for a review (I think in the Feed?), and had this pulled up as a reminder. So hi!
This was extremely cute. The last stanza gave me goosebumps. xD Sooo cool. Adorable! <3
I'm not sure I'm a fan of the PoV change. It went from third person to first person, basically. It threw me off a bit as a reader, expecting it to read from an outsider's view. I think reading it in the boy's mind was absolutely adorable though, so either one would work! I'd pick just one and stick with it.
The rhythm seemed to be off too, which offsets the rhyming. Maybe it's not a big deal in poetry? The musician in me didn't much like it though. xD Some lines are longer than its rhyme line (does that make sense at all?), so perhaps grab a thesaurus or rephrase things to make the rhythm feel better.
But besides that, I found this absolutely adorable! So cute. <3
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Haha! Cute ending! <3 I'm glad it's happy too! For a bit, I thought it was going to end in tragedy! That could be interesting too (another poem, perhaps, if you get writer's block or something) but still! I adore happy endings.
As for the poem, I am not quite sure the prologue (the first bit) is really needed too much.. I would see if I could add on that information into one stanza and keep it in the stories. I rather like stories, so I'm probably biased, but I think it would be a lot better that way.