“If I ever want something done I have to perform a skirmvas before Our Lord the King.”
“What’s that?”
“A special ceremonial dance requiring the perfect coordination of all seven tentacles and four flippers. We lose about four or five officials a year to the dance because they slip up by two to three millimeters.”
“And what happens to them?”
“Oh, they are thrown from a third-story window and into a shivt-pool. If they survive that then they are beheaded slowly, starting with the two heads on the chest and finishing with the small heads at the ends of their tentacles.”
“Sounds painful.”
“Oh, yes, garnering royal favor can be very hard, and failure means death. But what about you, David? What’s it like on your world?”
“Well, you see, we have these things called lobbyists–”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Freaking awesome! XD
Heh
One thing I noticed that everyone else reviewing this seemed to miss: this is for a flash-fiction! Honestly, if this is just for something that's going on between two characters in a flash fiction sci-fi thing, this is perfect. Comedy gold as far as I can tell. I'm just hoping I can find this thing now so then I can see it being played out.
I love short fiction I like this and this was done pretty well: quick, clever and it had a point. You may want to tweak the dialogue a little bit to make the comparison between the lobbyists and the monsters more similar, I suppose. When you read that short last line: “Well, you see, we have these things called lobbyists–," the reader should feel like, "why didn't I notice that before?"
Mo
This is a nicely-done excerpt. Although I have no idea what this was about, that was pretty cool Except for the fact that it has no descriptions whatsover and that you have no idea which character is saying what, what exactly is going on. YOu need to have more narrative, more descriptions. I understand it is an excerpt, however cautious dues must be done.
Okay. Well, what can I say? RANDOM! That just about sums it up don't you think? I like it though, well done!
This sort of reminds me of Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. A great book. I suggest reading it if you get a chance.
Cool, i just love it that they have nine heads, eight too many. As to being slowly beheaded, is the operation slow? Or one head at a time?