I can't hold on anymore. It's not enough. You take what you can and throw it in my face. And now I'm done.
If I could, I'd go back before this war. Before this fight, and change it. I'd fix it. But I can't.
There's not enough faith. I can't believe hard enough to push you away like you pushed me. But it ends now.
Once upon a time, we were one. And now you've broken me down. Broken me into millions. Shattered.
It was love that caused this, because love is a powerful thing. More powerful than what you believe in. Because love is the truth.
And truth hurts,
because after all, there's always war.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there! Good concept of a poem but I honestly didn't entirely understand why war was your comparison to love. I might just have not caught on, I don't know.
I would suggest making your poem a little easier to follow. And watch your punctuation. Sometimes there was too much and sometimes too little. I just really don't quite understand your last line. I get what you were trying to do but I don't think you even needed to mention the concept of war in the end. I would end it with "and truth hurts," but that's just my opinion. All in all, good job! Keep writing!
Thank you, and I see where you're coming from. I will admit, I write oddly at times, and sure, I can make it a little easier to follow next time.
Hello, love! I am going to try my best to help you better your writing, not that I'm an expert or anything. I can only try.
So the first thing that kind of bothered me was the punctuation. I feel like there could be more line breaks, especially after periods. Another thing about this is that there could have also been more commas, rather than so many periods. Not that they are bad, it's just that they make the rhythm kind of choppy.
I am a little bothered because I want at least some sort of hint as to why the narrator is so upset. All that the reader can tell is that someone is upset, hence, war. So I am thinking that maybe you could hint at it in some of your future poems. You could also try patching this one up if you do so please. It could be created into some type of beautiful metaphor. That's the beautiful thing about poetry, the meaning doesn't have to be in plain sight, but it still has to be there.
"I can't believe hard enough..." That is so beautiful. Yesssssss. I love.
There isn't really much else I can say, but I do wish that there was more imagery. I feel like it is all just words, but I want to see something too. I want to see the pain. You actually did portray this very well when you said "broken into millions. Shattered." I feel like there could have been more though!
The ending is always the most important part to me, and you did a very wonderful job of making it beautiful. The repetition is great.
I appreciate the details! And I will work on it, trust me. I always try to when someone tells me weak spots. I get your point, about how the meaning is there, but you have to dig for it. Thank you!
Hey,
This is really great for being such a short poem. Its pretty emotional and has a lot of depth crammed into those few lines. One of the things I think I like most about this is that I can really relate to it. Curiosity nag's at me however and I'm driven to ask where the inspiration for this poem came from. You have a beautiful use of punctuation and vocabulary through out this poem. Capitalization was also used very nicely here to. I'm trying to find something to review because this is pretty much my style of poetry and I tend not to critique other "Poets in my field". Also of course you had to go and make no spelling errors. So I guess I'm forced to say Great job on this poem. Its amazing keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Haha! Thanks for the review, and maybe we won't be rivals! The inspiration actually wasn't directed to me, it was from witnessing my friend going through a tough time with a breakup. I just wanted to make her feel better, so I wrote this for her, but eh, she hates me now... I'm forced to say Thank you and let's be friends.
maybe we wont be rivals?! I feel loved. I agree we should be friends and write the best spn poems ever.
Yesh! Supernatural is life.
More so then I care to admit to
It's literally an addiction. I should be sent somewhere to cure the feels it gives me...
Its clear that you are to precious for this world
It is clear that you are too awesome for this galaxy.
it is clear that you are one hot potato
It is clear that you are one hot avocado.
its clear your a moose
Squirrel.
Satan
Michael.
Gabriel
How dare you call me a Trickster Angel, Gadreel.
This. Poem. Is. The. BEST!!! Ok, I think I like this so much because I can totally, TOTALLY relate to how you feel! I wrote my own poem similar to this topic and I have a give page story lined up too. I especially enjoy the line: "There's not enough faith. I believe hard enough to push you away like you pushed me." I've felt that so many times, and your topic and title, there's always war, brings the piece together fantastically! Because let's face it, there always is war with someone like that, you can't win even though they are being unfair.
I'm betting other people can relate to this as well, so I praise you for putting it out there! I loved it so much!!! Very good job, very good.
Thank you, and I'd love to see your poem! I loved that line as well, but my favorite was "It was love that caused this." I think it's full of so much emotion and it pulls together the whole piece. And yes, people will always be unfair, and so I wrote this to say that they will be betrayed as well.
Awesome! It's up now, it's called Teenage Girl Fatality
I'm on it!