Watching her from afar, staring, some might refer to it as stalking.
I stand back several feet as she walks down the school's halls. I follow, yet she is oblivious.
She's avoided me ever since that day. That day.
Four days ago.
When we broke up, split, separated.
I get lost in her eyes as she draws, as she studies, as she breathes. I still can't believe I've had the chance to call her mine once.
Once.
Now all I ask for is a second chance,
to make it right, to take away the pain,
to listen.
I ask for forgiveness, for mercy, for a second chance
to call her mine again,
to love her and claim her and love her more than any other.
But, of course, we all know,
second chances will never be.
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
First off, welcome to YWS!!!
Congrats on posting! Let's get right into this. First off, I liked how you put "broke up, split, separated" it added a nice flare.
The line where you wrote "I still can't believe I've had the chance to call her mine once." It might sound better if you had "I still can't believe I once had the chance to call her mine." just a thought.
You have a lot of sentences in which you say the same thing, just in different forms, which I liked the first time, but maybe just switching it up and trying some different styles that way you dont over use that.
Other than that, great poem!! Keep it up!
Thank you, and I get your point. I did use a lot of repetition, and I like the way you reworded that! It's difficult to make sure that everything is on point, so I'm glad that you've told me my weak spots, and I'll work on them. Once again, thank you!
Of course! And I cant wait to see your next piece!
I like this quite a bit. It has the potential for a very nice piece. The description of a second chance was well thought out in the poem and I smile a little inwardly when I read the first part. The italics were a nice touch. I also appreciate the punctuation very much. I think that something that could improve it however is the length of the lines. They vary so much that it reads a little less like a poem and just a story. Also, uniformity when you space it out.
"Now all I ask for is a second chance,/ To (it might be more polished to capitalise all the beginning letters) make it righ,/ To take away the pain,/ To listen."
While the lines vary here, it is more for a sense of drama. The really long lines feel a little breathless, which you might want, but can acheive other ways.
"I get lost,/ In her eyes as she draws,/ As she studies,/ As as she breathes./ I still can't believe/ I've had the chance to call her mine once."
Most of what I have to say could be preference, so do what you like. I know some people would enjoy a break from uniform lines and like to a piece that makes one feel what the narrator feels in the moment.
Thank you for sharing.
*the grey reality
I never thought about it that way, and now that I think about it, the lines are quite short. Next time, in the next version, I'll take that into consideration. As this being a poem, I'm so used to shorter lines, and thus, I've made them shorter, which could very commonly be a mistake, but yet also good at times, and so, I appreciate the suggestions.
This poem is terrific! I love every word that you have put into your poem. The deep words hooked the audience, for sure. The title even matched the whole perspective of the poem. The imagery were very clear to the audience, as well. Imagery is also significant in poetries and in any stories, for that matter. Overall, you did great! Keep up the great work..
Thank you! I've written this over the drama happening pretty much everywhere around me, so I've got lots of inspiration, and I might just right more. I've been thinking of making this a series (or what-not) and changing the concepts but keeping the overall picture. I appreciate the compliments and I feel a lot better about this piece now, since, after-all, I've seen friends write poems like this and didn't turn out like mine.
You're welcome. I had the same experience too like yours. I have written several poems and all of the poems I have written were inspired by my surroundings and the drama of course.
Again, you did great. You should really go for the series. I'm sure it'll be great too.
7/10
Hello, JensenAcklesFan! I must say, this was written in such a unique format. One epic stanza it seems it was, sharing your pain on each line. With the minor details drawn out, or explained really, you're able to capture the emotion on here; even if the emotion is explained minimally. I want to give this a 7/10, truly due to the fact that you have the composition right but not everything is truly...there. The elements of pain is apparent but it is left so open-ended.
I see what you mean, as I did leave things out. I actually am going to make more, keeping the same plot, same emotion, as a continuation, but different concepts. This, I guess, is like the first edition in a series, as there are many books out there like this, leaving you at the end wondering what else might happen. Thank you for the review, and I've taken that into consideration for next time!