Last night I looked in the mirror and suddenly I didn’t see myself
What I saw I didn’t recognize, it was almost like I was someone else
I felt like I was meeting myself for the very first time
Like a stranger on the street, not exactly sure what I’d find
You’d think life would be easy if you could just switch from one body to the next
But I’m sure that other people’s pasts aren’t always what you’d expect
You think you know someone from that very first second
But you have to look at what they’re not saying, their pasts are perfectly hidden
The eyes that stared back at me just seemed so lost
You’ll never know that what I wanted most was to make it all stop
I couldn’t sleep, there was too much on my mind
Cause everything I wanted to be, would be great if I could find the time
The only question on my mind
Tell me, am I really perfect?
If you read between the lines
Could you tell me everything was worth it?
Just keep telling yourself you’re perfect
Someone, somewhere, wants to be just like you
Someone thinks you’re perfect the way you are
Someone thinks there’s nothing to improve
So what exactly did you get from reading between the lines?
I don’t think you got anything, I think you’re faking what you could never really find
With me, there is no secret kept hidden
Only a shattered past, held together by the ties of deception
I’m far from perfect, let’s just leave it at that
I hate looking in the mirror, because I hate seeing the cracks
And I wonder are you really interested in the person I want to be?
Because it's no secret, I am no longer perfect, all I am is me
You should learn to be more specific in your requests
Because what you wanted me to be, is all that I have left
I spent my life molding myself around your definition of perfect
That I somehow lost sight of what was more important
I’m thinking I should have kept my mouth shut
Some things are better left unsaid
Well, some things hurt worse when you don’t say anything
I should have told you everything instead
So I’m going to put you through one last test
And I can promise this one is better than the rest
After everything, am I as perfect as you wanted me to be
Or just a lie, because you hate what you see just as much as me
But I’m perfect in my own way
I don’t want to fit into your definition
I suddenly realized its okay to be me
I am my own perfection
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Jenny--
The message behind this is nice. It's strong, it's very teenage-angst-fighting-y. Which is good for this site and the people who are most likely going to read it.
However. This is really not poetry. This is a narrative that had a lot of "enter" presses throughout it. There IS narrative poetry, but this still does not fit into that category. It's more like a journal entry than anything, really. Or a conclusion to a short story. It's complete sentences, no dramatic breaks with punctuation...it's lacking all poetic elements.
All in all, it could be poetry...but it would need to have a serious overhaul. Really, I'd just take out all the enters, change them into paragraphs, and amp it up a bit to fit in fiction or nonfiction...whichever you choose!
Good luck!
Hello! Not only was this quite long, but the lines themselves were pretty long, too. Someone once said that if a poem only has three good lines, it should only be three lines long. And by that, I'm not saying that you're lines aren't all good and neccessary, but I think that you could say what you mean in fewer words. I really like your concept though, and I especially like this line: "I hate looking in the mirror, because I hate seeing the cracks". Nice job.
Hey Jenny!
So, this could be because I'm sick and I can't focus on much, but it was really hard to focus on your poem because you kept on going from one scene to another with not much direction. And this may just be me, but I would really like to see some more direction for this poem and some better transitions. For instance, I didn't even know that this poem was directed for someone (the person trying to make her "perfect") until the middle somewhere. And like I said, I could be wrong because my mind is kind of muddy, but just look through it and see if you can reorganize it to make it seem less random. You have a way with words... you just need to work on the ordering.
Hey I am Erin, and let's first start with what I thought could be improved. I agree partially with TenYo, on how long your lines are, it's almost intimating to the reader. Also it was kind of awkward how some of your lines rhymed, like you couldn't decide whether to rhyme or not so you just gave it a try every once and a while.
Now, what I really liked, was how everyone can relate to this poem, and it was personal. While I was reading this poem I saw flash backs of my past as well as some of my friends, and I can honestly relate to this poem. It's one of those that give you some hidden advice, I can feel the tone really strong. I can really hear your voice coming through in this piece and I am definitely looking forward to reading more of your poems. If you have questions or comments just shoot me an email and I'll do my best to explain.
I'm not sure whether it was intentional or not, but you really need to work out the end of the lines. Some seem to rhyme, some don't, the worst are the verses that repeatedly half-rhyme.
Also, the lines are really long, and the verses don't have much consistency. The ideas are quite scattered and so don't make much sense when put together.
I really like the overall idea of being your own perfection, I think there's a lot in it, but I'd suggest brainstorming all your ideas and think things over a bit more before putting pen to paper.