Deciduous dew did drop daringly and delicately down,
Leaking lavishly alongside light through lump leaves of brown.
The Silverbird heeded naught with his silverbird crown,
as sunlight searched somberly through the silent sea sound.
-
The big bombardment of barraging beasts blasted like a besieging breeze,
as a commotion of chirping and cawing curled in clouds above seas.
The Silverbird gave all but a flex from his gold-plated knees,
and trailed terrifically through tall and terrorous trees.
-
Soon evils on high blocked out the sky, chaos and murder was in their reek,
Marauders and malicious men made for killing the feeble, and the meek.
The Silverbird heeded their pleas and cries and their screams and their shrieks,
and a stream of silver seared through with a bronze bladed beak.
-
Legions of light reflected from his golden guile as he sang away the menacing might,
Floating fears from afar closed in about him and they prepared for a fight.
In a split of a shake he was gone far away and dived deep away into the night,
Down to this day, he drives them away, and none can overcome The Silverbird's Flight.
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127,526 Literary Works • 671,485 Reviews
Oh my that alliteration, and my friend I am hooked !
Kat here to Review for Team WHY? on this fine day of reviewing.
That alliteration really is something fiercely splendid with those rhymes, wow *claps* .
The Silverbird heeded their pleas and cries and their screams and their shrieks," careful you don't use and TO MANY times especially in poetry where it often isn't even necessary but I understand your need for emphasis and to keep the lines a similar length but maybe you could go about it a different way ? I can tell you put a lot of thought into this and didn't just slap something down which I really admire . Such great attention to the little details. I loved the last line , I get chills just reading this but when it all tied in it was marvelous . Wonderful imagery too, what is this silver bird though ? The last stanza was my lest favorite only because it felt different than the others, like distracted. But that is probably just me.
Awesome job and thanks for this lovely read, please writer more.
~Kat
Hello, JeffRWoodridge! Welcome to YWS!
By definition, a breeze is gentle. I understand that it fits in with the alliteration, but it's not really doing it for me when paired with such big imagery.I really enjoyed this. It's not often that you find fantasy poetry anymore. This reminds me a little bit of the work of Shel Silverstein, in subject matter if nothing else.
Your use of alliteration is nice, though I noticed that it fell away a little near the end. If you could go back near the end and add a little more for consistency, I think the poem would be a bit more enjoyable.
There are a few places in which I had a bit of confusion.
I don't think that "heeded" is the correct word to use here. I understand that it fits in with the repetition, but heeded is used differently than you're using it here. If you added "with" after "them," it could work. But again, it feels oddly clumsy.
This is a forced rhyme. It changes grammar in order to force a rhyme out of the poem. The correct form is "sought." You might have to reword that line to make it not quite as forced.
In the last line, to improve your meter, I would say "his flight" instead of "the silverbird's flight," but I know that you probably want to end it like that. The extra syllables at the end there throw it off a little, so I would look into removing syllables elsewhere in that line to make it sound better.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
There, I fixed most of them and added as muscjph alliteration as I could but switched to rhythm and rhyme near the end, I'm glad you took the time to review this and welcome me to YWS. Thank You.
I love this poem so much. I like how it started to the end. Also, the style of your poem. When I read the poem, I can just imagine the tone of the poem. How the tone in the poem is waving nicely. Its very good
I also like how you use the words or how you play the words like
"Deciduous dew" / "barraging beasts blasted"
Repeating the first letter of each words. Meaning its fun to play words sometimes, but its hard when you think of a word that can match to the previous word. That is why we need a dictionary haha. But awesome poem by the way, so great job
Thanks! I'm glad you like it!