We

I like how you move from one idea to another so quickly in this poem. It creates a kind of flying above the landscape feeling, if you know what I mean. Like you're getting glimpses of the smaller, sub-ideas in the poem, but I think the language needs work. I'm particularly bothered by the word "correct" in the second--to-last stanza just because it seems like it has too institutional a feel to it. I'm thinking you'd excel at free-verse poems because most of the little flaws this poem has are due to what seems like you trying to fit into a predetermined rhythm and trying to rhyme words together. It's like you know what you want to say but you're pushing it into a mold it doesn't fit in.

Hi,

I love the rhythm of this piece. The form is great and the tone works well here.

I'd take another look at stanzas four, six and seven as the rhythm here is a bit bumpy. Try reading them aloud so that you can get a better sense of the sound. For example, in stanza four I'd try;

"We've fallen, and we've been abused,
Mistreated, lost, ignored,
Lied to, and falsely accused."

I'd change the last line as the original rhyme isn't as concrete as your others and I think "lost, ignored" may work better than "ignored, lost", but I'd play with this a bit and see what you can come up with.

The final stanza is very powerful.

Hope this helps,

Jas

This is really good. It flowed really well, and Most of the rhymes didn't seem forced. I liked the concept too, though you did repeat some parts of it too many times. At the end though, I really didn't know exactly what you were talking about:We are the faces that go through life,
We are the trials we overcome. (?) I also think you could come up with a better title.

Jeanette wrote:

Freedom is never free,
We learn this through life,
We know of wars; hard-earned liberty,
We know of fear and strife.

We know the taste of injustice, #FF0000 ">Here you repeat know three times. Maybe if you could mix them in more. It just sounds bad one after the other.
We've heard the sound of the liberty bell,
We've smelt the scent of success,
We've brushed with death and hell.

We've tangled ourselves in misery,
We've danced along coals of danger,
We've been trodden on, #0000FF ">we've been deceived,
And still persistence is no stranger.#FF0000 "> I don't know why, but I think this would sound better: Persistence is no stranger. Maybe because if they had already done all the things listed above they would already be persevering...

We've fallen, we've been abused,
Mistreated, ignored, and lost,
We've been #0000FF ">lied to and falsely accused, #0000FF ">These are pretty much the same things... I don't like how you repeat it.
We've had our share of wars fought.

....

Some lessons we've taught, and some we've learned,
While others we just ignored,
We know of working; money hard-earned, #FF00BF ">I love these three lines.
And we know of being idle, a release we can't afford.

We know of humility, we know of pride,
We know we're not always correct,
We know of laziness, we know of #0000FF ">lies, #0000FF ">Again you talk of lies.
We #FF0000 ">know we #0000FF ">(take out) don't always do our best.

This is really good.
I love it

sorry this didn't help you
~wild