:Jeanette:
You've built me up so I would fall,
Come crashing down and lose it all,
To look up and see you still standing tall,
And to once again rebuild the wall.
To reach the height you've set for me,
That's just tall enough for you to see,
Through my windows, more than just a peek,
Memorize each room and publish it for all to see.
But now I draw the blinds and lock the doors,
You're no longer welcome, not anymore,
Because of your intrusions I'm no longer sure,
If what I'm feeling is like tainted glass or pure.
Is my structure really a sure foundation?
Is this building built to last all temptation?
Will it hold through every storm's frustration?
Or will it be brought down by my neighbor's own sedation?
You've built me so I would fall,
Come crashing down and to you I'd crawl,
But not anymore, I will stand tall,
And you'll stay out on the other side of the wall.
You've built me up so I would fall,
Yet sturdy I will stand,
Through every hit, and all-in-all,
You'll never know who I am;
This building's now closed to all,
Yet I know you'll never understand:
That I. Will not. Fall.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello Jeanette and welcome to YWS, I am Flower and will be reviewing for you today.
I really liked this poem a lot. I felt the emotion in it, but there were some flaws.
I felt that the rhyme that you had going in the beginning was soon dropped off, and that you began to just rush the poem. IT seems you couldn't find things to fit, and just tried to stick them together. Other than it being a little sketchy right there, I think it was very nice. I can't really comment on anything else, seeing as the others beat me to it, so best of luck and if you need anything you can pm me.
-Flower-
...I think I'm doing this right...Anyways, we'll see. The repetition of words was an attempt to pull things together (make connections in the mind, I'm guessing it got too repetitive though
). The windows and neighbors thing was hinting that the person "Bringing me down" was someone close to me, being a "neighbor", and peeking it meant that they were trying to get in my head.
....I think that's all.....
Hey Jeanette! I'm Kat, and I'm dropping a quick review, okay? ^_^
Before reading the whole thing, I looked over it without really reading, a terrible habit of mine. And at a first sight, I was sort of scared, because I saw where you were going with the rhyme. Because most poems that go with rhyming every four lines, tend to screw it up and make it sound too forceful. I am glad to tell you, yours wasn't like that! Well, there were a few places where it could have gone softer, but overall, the combination of the rhyme with the voice made it rather easy to read.
Now, the biggest issue I see with this, it's the message. I can understand it a little, at least the overall of it. That someone had 'made' you, bounded you to fall and fail, but you stood up to the person, and said not any more. Or something along those lines. Now, there are a few things that confuse me, such as when you mention a neighbour, and to peek inside your window. I can see why you wrote it like that, but it is still a bit confusing.
Another thing that bothered me through your piece was the repetition of vocabulary, such as tall and any more. How about some synonyms? Try to spice it up a little, the vocabulary often draws the reader in.
So, take a little revision on this and you'll be fine. Good work!
- Kat
Hello there Jeanette and welcome to yws!
I think this a good poem. I liked it. The poem does have a lot of emotion.
I just love this stanza. Though your poem at times seemed like lyrics to a song basing it on the rhyming, I liked it.
Looking forward to seeing more from you
Hi there, Jeanette! Welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying it here.
Also, let me remind you, you'll get more reviews on your own work if you go out and review everyone else's pieces. 
Anyways. This is a lovely poem you have here, it's really very nice. I have just a few nitpicks, though.
Nitpicks:
1) "Because of your intrusions I'm not longer sure"...I'm thinking you mean "no longer", right? Cause well, if you didn't mean to say "no longer" then you should fix it, anyways.
2)"Or will it be brought down by my neighbor's own sedation." There should be a question mark, not a period there.
3) The last line shouldn't have to be like that. You don't need all the periods between the words. It's rather unnecessary, Jeanette.
However, this makes for a LOVELY poem. I liked this a lot. It could almost be made into a song, it has a definite rhythm and such.
Great work. If you ever need anything feel free to PM me.
Ta ta!
-Miss Mizz