Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Ilias Ravioli was living life to the best he could. He'd acquired both titles of famous, and infamous. Plus he had eight fingers on each hand, which placed him rather high in the caste system even for a ruling family.
As a celebrity he made albums and acted in many good movies and shows. He even did his own stunts. He was currently in the middle of acting in a movie franchise about superheroes fighting monsters from the asteric plane. All fiction, of course--the asteric plane had been uninhabited before spielanx and klalicks from the prime plane discovered it--but popular. It was so hard to get an offer on an original movie, since everything else is just remakes. He'd already acted in four remakes, and was determined to avoid them.
As for being an assassin, he'd killed many other people who were in high places. Important people with high security. Always told by everyone that it would be impossible. He went through with it to prove them otherwise, as well as in a very cheesy way, honor. For himself. He wasn't as proud about being an assassin as he was an actor.
However, he was looking and feeling about as amazing as anyone else when they first wake up. His home was high enough that it was out of the legal fly zone and drones failed at this altitude. Even as a celebrity he should be as comfortable in his own home as any other spielanx. His master had told him that disguise was an assassin's best friend. So to teach him, what did his master do? Over and over he took a knife and cut along Ilias' cheekbones, letting it heal and then going over it again and again until it would be permanent and very noticeable. He winced at the memory, running his fingers along the scars. But while at home, he liked to walk about without wearing concealer cosmetics.
He shuffled into the kitchen to get some kaje brewing. He'd feel better after about five cups. He had dreamed about ishi and rhoku sword fighting. Both foods had made attempts to intimidate the other: the ishi had waved its sauce-covered noodles threateningly, while the rhoku flapped its thin shell and spit out its fruit and vegetable insides. While other people would have found it very bizarre, it was an average dream for him. This he blamed his parents for. One of them was born into a ruling family, the other was a government agent with a knack for finding things and people. Both of them ended up in a revolutionary group that changed both planes. He wasn't spared the story of how they had first met in a rhoku shop, which would eventually dissolve into love-filled bickering about food.
He pressed the button to start his kaje brewing while simultaneously one of the windows in his living room shattered. He just had those cleaned! He crouched behind his counter, and peeked over from the side. In the middle of the room there was an arrow with a very colorful fletching that sprouted from his kaje table. The tip, which must have also been a container, had broken on impact and was releasing a blue gas. Syenic kor-mabide, a deadly gas produced from rotting waste in the slums. They loved to color their gases and use them as weapons. Someone wanted an easy kill. But their target was Ilias, not Skater. If they knew he was Skater, they would have known not to use gas. It was a funny thing, being famous and infamous. Ilias was on high alert now; nothing wakes up a person better than an attempt on their life. He was supposed to be meeting with his fellow actors today, not getting murdered. He was expected to be there this time, as he hadn't showed up to the other occasions, and he was most certainly going to be killed for missing this one. Assuming he survived this attempt, of course.
He grabbed a knife from the kitchen and ran into the gas. Irrationally, he held his breath despite knowing it wouldn't affect him anyways. He needed to get to a different part of his place, which meant going through the gas-filled room. He moved quickly through the hall with a wall entirely made of glass. The Lightness-touched person saw him and an arrow hit the wall behind him. This time it was colorless gas. He kept moving, holding his breath until he got into another room.
This was not how he liked to spend his morning. It wasn't the worst morning, it didn't even make top ten, but it was pretty rotten. He waited in his game room, watching the hall from inside the dark room. That arrow had only left a hole in his window this time. That would be fixable.
Oh, never mind, someone just jumped through it and shattered it completely. They landed softly, a telltale sign that the person was an assassin. Besides the fact that they wore a mask. One that was teal with a bright yellow smiley face. Based on the shape of the person, that was a woman. She spoke, although her voice was slightly muffled. Filters would make sense. "Interesting. No reaction to syenic kor-mabide or syenzeu."
Great. This was just great. Someone had sent a weirdo nerd in the weird science field to kill him. Just the mask was tempting him to laugh. The gas continued to move towards him, taking up all the space it possibly could. He stealthily moved on to a different room. He wouldn't need to see to navigate this place. It was his own home, and he knew everything like the back of his hand. He found the panel to the house's power, and shut everything off. His home became pitch black.
More glass shattered, he estimated that the person was in the game room now. The hunted could now be the hunter. He silently listened for sounds, and felt for movements in the air in the darkness. He doubted he'd hear much sound though. There! A waft of air was stirred to his right, and he struck with the precision and speed of a snake. He hit something, which grunted, and he moved. He felt satisfaction, which didn't last for long. Something whizzed past him. He moved again. His blade hit nothing. Darn it.
He posed with his knife in front of him, ready to strike. Then something wet splashed onto his wrists and he dropped the knife. The substance spread, and he was unable to move his arms. They were bound by what felt like a weirdly-shaped, giant, stiff rubber band, which also held them to his body. With a grunt he tried to break free, to no avail did it work. His arms were positioned too awkwardly. He felt like a chicken. What was this stuff?
He had been found, and he knew it when they pressed a cloth over his nose and mouth, forcing him against the wall. Caught off guard, he inhaled a good amount. It wasn't chloroform, or anything else he knew. His chest tightened with panic. He kicked her in the knee, and she stumbled back with a grunt.
"Hey. I'm not going to kill you. This is just a kidnapping, so hold still." She managed to re-cover his face with the cloth, and the gel substance hit his feet. It expanded as well, and there was nothing he could do. Oh great, even better, he was getting kidnapped. This woman was just going to delay his death and make him feel his impending doom. He had no idea how to explain this without sounding ridiculous to the other actors. He struggled the best he could, as he had tolerance to something in the drug that allowed him to stay awake longer. But he eventually drooped and blacked out.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Well, good thing I searched for this in the Books tab instead of just reading it from Spearmint’s portfolio. Otherwise, I’d have started with Ch1 instead of this prologue!
And my first thought at Ravioli is that this is what ppl call Revali from Breath of the Wild and well XD
“in the middle of acting in a movie” feels like this is a repetition of “acting” one too many for this paragraph. Why not “shooting” (is it something lore-specific bc movies aren’t shot here?) or another different phrasing altogether?
Ok so, I am fine with him casually dropping he’s a famed actor. Works well with the famous and infamous.
But casually dropping he’s an assassin? That’s different unless this is a well-known factor. Well-known for this to be a reasonable line of dialogue: “Oh sure, my favourite actor is also my favourite assassin, did you know they accredited kill xyz to him?”
If it’s secret, I don’t think you can run with the phrase “As for being an assassin” since that’s not something CASUAL. And there really wasn’t a reason for him to reveal it like that. Maybe if you leaned more in phrasing it congruent with his infamy? Like, I don’t have a problem with him being an assassin, I have a problem with how the narration reveals it.
Uhm I have my questions abt the teaching methods of this master. Why make it harder on your student like this? Why go into acting like this where, I presume, ppl will work on his face for extended periods of time and notice the scars and might connect it to that one assassin running around?
Uhm if the foods in the dream spit fruit at each other etc … are they really sword fighting? Why yes, I am questioning the phrasing of dream food fights xd
High lvl nitpick incoming:
Hmmm I don’t think you convey him being on high alert quite well. You start an action sequence with the arrow, but the introduction is a meandering sentence abt starting this world’s coffee-equivalent (which is quite unnecessary bc I already assumed he started it brewing from “he shuffled into the kitchen to get some kaje brewing”. Like my brain immediately connected “jup, he arrived, the coffee is one the way” so I would have criticized the “pressed the button got start the brewing” sentence regardless. It feels like him remembering his dream conveys a longer passage of time, that he should have been already busy with the coffee machine before we are dropped back into the present. Such loong phrasings over “while” lead in [nothing takes the wind out of action like long words like “simultaneously”]. I like the aside of him going “he just had those cleaned”. Shows that he’s not that concerned abt this attempt on his life, good characterization! Again, the action that follows is slow. He crouched, which implies he doesn’t do it hurriedly. He takes the time to describe the arrow and the gas which is fine bc it shows that he can think fast and assess the thread v quickly, nice. I do think going into more detail like this: “They loved to color their gases and use them as weapons” might be better at a different point? I assume that is his clue in which of his two personas the would-be assassins are after? But at the same time, it feels still kinda unnecessary right now.
Oh interesting that he seems immune to the gas. Someone did not do their homework when trying to assassinate this guy xd
This kinda implies that he doesn’t know which room “got into another room”, like as if he isn’t sure himself of the layout of this place and is just hoping it will be fine.
I like this: “it didn't even make top ten,” more easy characterization 😊
At least Mrs Assassin is catching on quick. From her first line of dialogue, I get the feeling that she knows something fishy is going on. Feels like if he wants to keep his assassin identity secret, it’s probably paramount to kill her. [I do wonder what type of security Mr Celebrity has and if he can justify not dying in the assassination attempt bc of body guards or something. Bc otherwise, even if he takes her out, it will be hard to explain why some actor knew how to handle himself, no?]
Ok… I…. don’t know why this makes her a nerd: “weirdo nerd in the weird science field to kill him” she’s using this gas to kill him, wouldn’t it be normal that she knew what it is and what effect it should have had? Also interesting that he thinks science is nerdy but also knew immediately all abt this gas. Pot and Kettle much, Mr Noodles?
Oh they do have snakes on that planet, but different foods, good to know! [Chickens also exist!]
Find this sequence a bit confusing: “He moved again. His blade hit nothing. Darn it.” Like, moving doesn’t imply that he’s striking out with the knife, so I was surprised he expected to hit something.
Also feel like “He posed” makes it sound less like a combat stance, especially with his side-gig as an actor 😊
Well, I am surprised he dropped the knife because something wet splashed across his wrist. Feels like this comes more from the numbing feeling not the splashing, right? Feels like you could rephrase that to make the action clearer.
Ahh I did not expect him to lose! Not after he railed against these amateurs with their colour gas so readily xd Makes me even more doubtful that he should have spent so much time musing abt all the stuff he still had to do. While that was nice to know, that for him this is routine enough he can think abt the acting stuff he needs to do later, and that he doesn’t want to be late for that bc the staff might murder him for that… but at the same time this is pulling us away from the action and I feel like him complaining abt that in his head when he eventually wakes up in captivity would also show this side of his character. Namely that he uses this to distract from the captivity situation he’s got going on and that he wouldn’t let his captors intimidate him etc 😊
“His chest tightened with panic. “ Good! Finally, and that comes across very well!
Ok that had me actually laugh IRL: “He had no idea how to explain this without sounding ridiculous to the other actors.” XDDD
Oh I like this beginning, I like the casual confidence of your MC and that he’s getting his comeuppance for not taking the situation seriously enough xd
Excited for where this will lead. I kinda expect two things: either him waking up in captivity and forced to deal with this. Or a viewpoint switch to a character investigating his disappearance. Hmm!
Ok yes I am totally ready for this! I've been meaning to read/review this for like a month and I've noticed there's a couple of chapters in the Green Room so it feels like the perfect time to be reviewing. Let's get into it.
Excellent name choice. 10/10. The whole first paragraph just sets things up so well. The tone and the world already feel at least partially established and I can feel we're in for a fun time.
This is probably the part where I started to feel overwhelmed. There's a lot of information in the first few paragraphs and whilst it was delivered in a fun way , I began to feel like I was missing out on the joke because I couldn't keep up with all the information. I assume that Ilias is a play on 'alias' and his real name is Skater, but my poor brain had been trying so hard to keep up that I didn't clock that until I actually wrote it out.
The characterisation and tone are done very well in general, and I think fit being a prologue very well. I'm hoping when we get into the main story it's a bit clearer on the direction we're taking, and easier to connect to the characters too (remind me to comment on that when we get there).
Can't wait to read this whole story!
Icy
How did I only find this gem now? Anyways, hi! It's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:
The Good Stuff
- The character building here is really strong! Human beings are never a flat 'hero' or 'villain', and usually have layers to them that show the good AND the bad inside. You captured this beautifully with your main character by showing his mixed emotions about being an assassin and actor!
- The trauma you gave this character is very unique! His trainer cutting his cheeks was an interesting form of violence (I felt so unhinged while typing that, lol).
- Your sci-fi aspect also has a bit of a twist by being categorized by fingers and not something (*thinks of the word*)... out of the physical realm. Most sci-fi's I hear of are categorized either by powers or some sort of emotion/mental aspect. But your was a genetic mutation, which I find interesting for the sci-fi genre.
- BONUS: the dark-assassin-with-a-troubled-past-but-a-soft-side ISN'T the love interest for once but the main character. Thank. Goodness. Honestly, they're probably more interesting than the random girl that gets thrown into these type of stories as the main character, anyway. (*COUGH* Divergent *COUGH*). It's just nice to see a main character with a lot of depth.
- OTHER BONUS: the main character has a sense of humor! For a character that would usually be filed into the 'dark and brooding' category, he has a sense of humor! (thank you).
Room For Improvement
You didn't make this error a lot, but I would just remind you to use conjunctions in sentences like this! Everything in pink is the first independent conjunction (meaning it can be a sentence on its own). Everything after that (in blue) can also be a sentence on its own. This means just a comma isn't strong enough to tie them together. Make sure to use a FANBOY conjunction here (the same for the other sentence I quoted)!
- In terms of plot and worldbuilding, everything works really well! But it did feel like you were info-dumping in the first few paragraphs. In the span of about one minute, we know everything about our main character without any mystery to be left. You could make the story more intriguing by slowly revealing these aspects (which would make the chapter a little longer, but that's just a bonus). You could do this by having different characters talk, about situations that make this character suddenly remember certain aspects of his life. The goal is to make sure all of his past isn't shoved into one place.
- This was a great story! I loved the main character, the side character (who we haven't met yet, but I'm excited to), and there wasn't cussing (thank you). This also had wonderful worldbuilding- I just wish I saw more of it! I will definitely be reading more of this!
Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
Serrurie
Gem is a very good word for this story
Thank you very much for your review! I don't usually see people who notice the FANBOYs so that helps a lot. I do agree with the info-dumping, and the way you phrased it has made an idea pop into my head for improvement. I'm glad you enjoy the story so far!
Hi hi!
Omg I've been looking to jump into a novel for so long! I see that this already has a few early chapters, so I might see if I can review those too...
This is so vivid! Right from the start, we are immediately introduced to our main character. Ilias Ravioli! That's such a cute name ^-^ He's somehow both a famous actor and a skilled assassin, which is super neat. I think his character is already multifaceted and this is only the prologue! That's amazing! I usually don't end up liking prologues because they beat around the bush, but this doesn't.
Sure, it's not long, but it's really fast-paced and engaging. All of the knife stuff, for example! That scene was tense! The action is especially great paired with all of the awesome world building, too. There are hints of a larger, unique world with stuff like the colorful gasses. I feel like I'll have to read more to uncover everything, but this does a great job at setting the scene for the future!
Though, I think some of them could be introduced more gradually. All of the meat of the prologue is right in the first few paragraphs. That's not a bad thing! However, it feels a little bit more like an info-dump than a casual lore drop.
I could say the same about the humorous aspects of this, too. It's like Ilias's actions and thoughts are clear, but they lack actual emotional depth for readers. There are funny parts of the story, but there's no connection to his character to make it actually make sense! His annoyance at the window, for example. It tracks for his character, but we barely know anything about him to judge it better!
That's all I have to say though! This seems like it'll be such a cute story! I think I'll go read the next chapter soon... if I remember to hahah!
~ Seoyoung
Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you like the story so far!