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Solo

by JazenKnight


There goes the light, good bye my heart

I swore that I would be your sunrise, and never leave you in the dark

I claimed that you and I were one, the sun and moon, the night and day

But fate had other plans and now I'm walking solo


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Sat Feb 01, 2020 2:36 pm
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LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

Hey Jazen! LZ here with a review! I liked this poem! It was very short and easy to read.

**Formatting and Grammar**

I liked how short this poem was. You were able to say what you wanted to say in such a short poem. I also liked how you spaced in between lines. As for grammar, I didn't catch anything wrong.

**Punctuation and Capitalization**

For punctuation, I liked how you just used commas. It looks very clean and neat. For capitalization, I appreciated how you capitalized the first letter of each word.

**Quick Review**

Nothing wrong! Wonderful poem.

Keep on writing, I really enjoyed this poem, and have a great Saturday!




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Tue Jan 28, 2020 6:14 am
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anarki says...



I love this poem. Period. You have done much in four lines than most poets do with several stanzas. The promises the persona has to break due to the (un)timely end of a love story is relatable. Keep on writing!




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Tue Jan 28, 2020 6:12 am
vagrant says...



Wow. I love it when a poem is so short but still holds in itself, a deep meaning. I like how you expressed everything you had to say in a succinct manner.
All in all, it was a nice, sweet read and you managed to convey your feelings fabulously.
Well written, kudos!




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Thu Jan 23, 2020 5:04 pm
MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi Jazen!

I can see that it's short but it feels heavy. In my opinion, it's a poem about irony.

There goes the light, good bye my heart


In simplest sense, the speaker is breaking up with a lover. The speaker addresses him/her as the light. It's of course a very romantic tone but we discover something more as we read on.

I swore that I would be your sunrise, and never leave you in the dark


It's still romantic and... sweet, until we realize that the speaker had broken the promise everyday (or every night). For the sun to rise, it must also set (leaving regions in the dark; so if you think about it, the sun's always setting somewhere, meaning the speaker is breaking the promise constantly). It could be a metaphor for the evenings the speaker had missed or the occasions when the speaker had stayed out or even slept over somewhere else.

I claimed that you and I were one, the sun and moon, the night and day


More irony. The speaker had claimed to have been one with the lover who has left. Yet examples that follow only signify contrast. The sun and the moon are destined to be ever-distant. The night and the day shall intersect (kataware doki) but never blend. I suspect the meaning to be that no matter how hard they tried, they were fundamentally different people.

As I'm reviewing it, I've grown to appreciate the poem more now than I did on the first read. It's beautiful — not for the meaning it conveys but because of the way it does it.

That's the review. Hope it helps.

Excelsior!

~MAS




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Thu Jan 23, 2020 7:55 am
HGsomeone wrote a review...



A hoy hoy,

As repeated many times before, this poem is short but it disembowels you with its emotion. I personally found that the clipped shortness of it helped strengthen the emotion by not dragging it out and instead gave every single word extra weight, with the heaviest of them all being 'solo'

I'm sorry this review is short because I'm really horrible at writing them but I hope you gathered that I liked your poem.

- H.G




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Thu Jan 23, 2020 5:38 am
tgham99 wrote a review...



This is a very straightforward poem that really encompasses the painful feeling that accompanies the realization that "fate had other plans" for a relationship. I like the idea of using metaphors to describe the relationship between the speaker and his significant other; this really emphasizes the feeling of loss that the speaker feels when, at the end of it all, they end up all alone.

I personally like that you opted not to use punctuation; since this is a shorter poem, I think it works in your favor because there is a stronger emphasis on the actual theme of loss rather than on the structure of the piece itself. I don't have any real suggestions aside from combining "good bye" into "goodbye" and maybe having this line:

"..and now I'm walking solo"

as its own line by itself to end the poem on a more intense note.

Great job!!




JazenKnight says...


Thank you for your review



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 1:06 am
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Clairia, here to review.

This was a short piece, so reviewing it was a bit of a challenge--but I can't resist a good poem.

The concept was very direct. I didn't have any question about what had happened, which can be both a good and bad thing. Readers typically don't like to be left in the dark about certain details, especially in poetry, but a little bit of "mystery" may do your work some good. The audience may want to try to analyze the meaning of your work than having it all handed to them. The elements of critical thinking and being able to ask questions usually contributes to the fun of reading itself ;).
You seemed to struggle with maintaining a rhyme scheme as well, which isn't bad and can be easily fixed. My issue was, though, that the first two lines had a similar flow while the others did not. In case you're confused, here's what I'm talking about:

There goes the light, good bye my heart

I swore that I would be your sunrise, and never leave you in the dark

Though they're not the same length by any means, these two lines were very alike because a comma split them both in half. However, on the third line, two commas were placed, and on the fourth, there were none at all. While this did suit the poem in that it was grammatically correct, it upset the overall structure that you may have been going for. You may want to revise those last two lines to match your original flow concept (if you had one.)

I really thought this was well done, though. This idea, while saddening, makes for some really good work. I disagree in that there should be more; short pieces often keep me thinking and can be a lot more memorable. You did a great job!

Thanks for sharing (and happy writing!)

Clairia




JazenKnight says...


Thanks for your review.



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Wed Jan 22, 2020 12:11 pm
MadagascarMaiden wrote a review...



Hi, MadagascarMaiden just popping in for a review.
I love this short poem. It’s short but to the point. with a simple but appealing layout (or, if you prefer, formatt). this poem is telling me a story about a man who lost either his wife or girlfriend to death. and now he is “walking solo”. keep up the good work. :-)




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Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:36 am
dahlia58 wrote a review...



I'm actually not good at reviewing poems, but I'll give it a shot.

Like the other reviewer said, this poem is short, so there's nothing to really criticize. Personally, I love short poems, and yours is clear and concise. I especially like the "sun and moon," "the night and day" lines. These metaphors emphasize the "opposite yet one" theme I noticed in this poem well.

Maybe "Solo" could be longer, but as far as I know, poems don't have concrete structure/length rules. I enjoyed reading this.




JazenKnight says...


Thank you for your review.



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Wed Jan 22, 2020 1:55 am
#1ofdqpostles wrote a review...



I loved your poem, but i think that it's too short. I see it as an idea, and I was wondering, you might add the feelings of the narrator, like, the way they used to be and the things the narrator liked about him/her... But I loved the way you ended it. I guess you wanted to say that there's nothing the narrator could possibly do to get together???




JazenKnight says...


Thank you for the review. No I am not trying to say that there's nothing the narrator can do to get together.




We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind