As a kid, I liked making lists.
I wrote construction orange under "colors I like"
Blush and carry a pencil in my back pocket
"What not to do in front of girls
(or while playing basketball)"
Bike pedals like to snag shoelaces
"Things my parents forgot to tell me."
One thing I learned from making lists
was that they really like to write themselves.
It came to the point
where words came like a reckless stampede;
it didn't matter what was written or whether I meant it.
I couldn't wait.
I had to get it down.
Grades fluxuate when you don't manage your time;
One ounce of alcohol takes one hour to leave your system;
Moms are different after they lose their jobs.
"Things I didn't know at the time"
She called disengagement being "cut loose"
like she was a wild dog, scarlet neck straining against a thick rope,
eyeing some frenetic squirrel or alternate destiny.
Maybe she didn't want me to know she had nowhere to go.
Maybe she didn't want me to feel guilty.
I write speaking her mind under "things I wish for".
Writing is therapeutic.
(So's listening to Elton John.)
The words don't come quickly,
But I will them onto the page.
Bloodred under
"Colors I don't like"
Cry and forget to say please
"What not to do in front of the eulogist (or my uncle)"
I'm too tall to wear a size-ten black suit jacket
"Things my parents never got the chance to tell me"
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
I'm not very good at writing reviews but I want to say that I really, really love the way you closed the poem with the title. And this made me want to listen to Elton John.
Thanks a lot, that means the world.
Wow, this is really great, love. All those other reviews are rather intimidating gosh I don't believe I can even come close, but I really did enjoy reading this. The flow of it was excellent and honestly just your style I found to be very interesting and beautiful within itself. You are incredibly talented and I believe now I will go stalk your page for anything else you may have written aha x
Haha, I'm new to the site, so you won't find much. Anyway, glad you liked it
Hi there! I have a review for you. The title of your piece is perfect because right away, you separate you and the other person from the rest of the world as you do throughout the poem. I like the use of parenthesizes in this piece because it shows a transition at the point where the 'us' has moved away from the past. Your style itself has a good flow to it. The commas are placed well, but you could use a few more periods to create a break for the audience. Word choice is also excellent in this poem. I think that the imagery of the isolated place could be expanded on. From what I understand it's deserted and is on the sea. The connection between feelings and setting could be strengthened. It's clear that a lot of feeling and thought went into your work.
Well, since your teacher forced you to do this, I don't know if I should be thanking you, or...
I'm kidding. Thanks for the review, man.
Good work bud
Haha, thanks.
Hello,
I thought the title sounded interesting and exciting so I came to see. I think this poem is nicely written, and it's hard to miss the meaning and feeling of it. It's got a lot of emotion, that you've conveyed well. In general, I prefer to read poems that have a rhythm and a rhyme scheme, but this one I still really enjoyed and I think it works well with its rhythm. I think because it doesn't rhyme and doesn't have a really obvious rhythm, it is easier to get the meaning across when you read it out loud because you don't get distracted.
As a critique, I do think these could be changed a bit, from "As a kid" to "playing basketball". They do still work, but they don't attract the reader as much as they could. I started reading and got a bit confused because they're not as clear as they could be. I think the first few lines are important as they are what makes the reader want to continue. Perhaps they could have even more feeling to them and meaning just so the reader feels super pulled in.
I really loved the line:
"Bike pedals snag shoelaces,
'Things my parents forgot to tell me'"
This line is where I began to feel really excited to read the rest, for it is very skilful in the way it builds up the meaning.
Well done for this poem, and keep writing!
Thanks for the review!