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18+ Language Mature Content

Why everyone should pull all-nighters

by Jayce


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

entry 1:

I think the nights have swallowed me.

I’ve known the minutes;
festered for many in the gut
of a sick whale,
moonlight warping its flexed
esophagus.

sometimes I pray to be coughed up,
unresigned to gracing the wait-line
till I drip into the bladder cavity and
die in shapeless pieces.

Girls keep asking me questions-

(“Excrete with me?”
No fucking thank you.)

-if you like that kind of thing.

entry 2:

Maybe it would be easier
to die in someone else’s
acid reflux.

No sun pressing flush to my
cheeks, or that street beggar tinkering with my gears
like I’ll let him keep one if they fall out.

But like always, I think again and
remember glimpsing your eyes: 
ensnared in the jaws of morning.

It’s been awhile since I’ve slept,
but I think it's a good thing


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1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

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Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:28 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review.

I have to agree with Hannah that the reasons of this being in the Green Room for so long are because of the content. I'm also a fan of the word choice that you use in this piece that heightens the quality of the imagery. Even in the first stanza, you have a strong sense of this, and I appreciate this as well. It's easily a strength of yours in poetry that I believe you should use to your advantage.

One aspect that I don't understand is that these are two different entries. Are they the same poem? Are they different? I wanted clarity on that much, though in tone it seems as if the two entries could be one single piece, but I'm not sure if that's your intent. I love the imagery in this piece, and there are only a few errors that I'd go and correct from here. There isn't a period at the end of your second entry, which is a minor issue.

But like always, I think again and
remember glimpsing your eyes:
ensnared in the jaws of morning.


The third line and flow here between the second and third lines in this stanza is a little off to me. I believe that this could be fixed with some rewording or rearranging of some words, since that's often the case of why the flow is being interrupted or not as smooth as it could be.

Strong piece to be reading late into the night, love what you have here, but work on what you can in refining the flow in parts and buffing up the imagery to make for an even stronger piece. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped, and have a great day.

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Mon Apr 24, 2017 5:07 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Jayce, hi. Sorry that this work has gone so long without a single review. It's strong and unapologetic, and maybe that's why?

I love the tone of the imagery you brought to this poem -- fester, moonlight, esophagus, cavity, flush, glimpse, jaws -- there's a mix of delicacy and disgust that evens out to honest reality, and I really dig that. I also appreciate that although I'm not one-hundred percent sure I know what you mean the message to be, that I get an emotional reaction from my interpretation of the poem anyway.

If it's useful to you, it feels to me like this poem is describing that torturous and hopeful waiting after a break-up -- there are others around, but that's not what the speaker wants, and every moment is just frustrating to deal with when they would really just prefer to be back with those eyes.

There are a few phrases I thought were awkward, that you might want to rework if you feel the same:

moonlight warping its flexed
esophagus.


I would rather see this than be told it.

unresigned to gracing the wait-line


I like puttin' together words to get my point across, but maybe queue would work here?

to die in someone else’s
acid reflux.


This feels like it comes too soon after the dying in shapeless pieces, and acid reflux seems almost too specific? Or without enough texture? A change in the verb, at least, feels necessary.

Of course, alongside every awkward phrase comes a great one, and these are parts I particularly loved:

I’ve known the minutes;
festered for many in the gut
of a sick whale,


I thought I'd misread the first time I read "I've known the minutes", but it is so strong in the way it is presented alone and then explained.

No sun pressing flush to my
cheeks, or that street beggar tinkering with my gears
like I’ll let him keep one if they fall out.


After the damp inside of that whale, I feel so refreshed to be out in the sun, even if it's the annoying kind of sun where I can't wait to get back inside.

Hopefully these thoughts are helpful to you in some way! PM me if you have any questions/comments about this review.

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah





If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke