I admit, it was a little immature of me to do that, but I don't care. What he did was rude and obnoxious. I should've torched him. I should have, but I didn't. I had been up here long enough for the sun to set. At this point I sat upon the peach-shaped tower looking down. Being in my uniform, no one could ever notice me being up here. When we wear our uniforms, it helps our physical frequency to increase, allowing us to vanish.
The sun began to set further in the horizon. I waited and waited. Patience is a virtue, but it is one I don't care for.
I had time to calm down from what Seth said, I just wish he didn't make me so mad just to think about. I mean, judging me for drinking tea? Healthier than thatunderage drinking habit of his. The madness...
The sun was now set. Shadows streaked the ground and the earth belonged to the beasts.
“Hey!”
I sit up and look to the ground, Sarah and Tabby had arrived, standing at the base of the peach. I went down the ladder and to the ground as quickly as I could, “Nice of you two to show up.”
“We wouldn't have to be here so early if someone didn't throw a temper tantrum,” Tabby said.
I rolled my eyes and didn't say anything. I walked over to an area away from Tabby and plopped onto the ground, meditating with a focus on abnormal energies.
I feel a touch on my shoulder, “Don't let them get you down, you're perfect and great as you are.” Obviously that was Sarah.
Minutes passed. Maybe half an hour. Nothing.
The other two were quiet.
Tabby broke the silence, “This is dumb! How can you just meditate without going out to find the monsters yourself?! We're apparently not going to find anything!”
But she was wrong. I felt something, slight though it maybe, but it wasn't human or Akkira.
“I got something,” I called, taking off in that direction.
The other two called to me to slow down, but I didn't listen, I was focused on finding where it was coming from, because it was fading fast. Meaning it was moving. I moved even faster, trying to catch up. I never knew a ghoul could move as fast.
My legs were getting sore, heart was pounding like mad, Sarah and Tabby were trailing behind me.
That's when it came to a halt, it stopped inside a small building. It looked similar to a warehouse. Empty as empty could be. I ran in after it, disregarding the shouts of my partners. I looked around, nothing but wooden walls, hard tile floors, and simple ceiling.
Nothing? This couldn't be right. I kept my mind open, sensing ever last bit of energy. Its power... It seemed to radiate from around me. Then, all at once, the energy pooled in one spot behind me, and I leaped to the side as it tried to attack me. Its large body stuck to the wall, and I removed my blade from the sheath.
And could not believe what I saw.
It looked similar to a ghoul, however it had onyx-black bony structures peeping from it's body, it's once gargoyle-like pale body was now large and lizard-like. And by large, I mean the wall is twenty feet long and it easily beat that. This wasn't just a ghoul. This was worse.
This was a Magnus Soul, an evolved ghoul with an incurable hunger. This thing doesn't eat just human souls, this thing devours other ghouls and other Magni.
“That smell...” It croaks, “That ever-so delicious smell.” It twisted a long neck towards me, it's next word creeks like bad brakes, “Akkira!”
I lift my blade defensively.
“Drop your blade, boy... I have devoured and avoided four previous Akkira.”
Four?
It moved slightly, coming down to the ground on all fours.
“We have waited for a real challenge, but you are not strong enough to face me fairly.”
“We?” I asked.
It stopped for a moment, “I.”
I stepped back, and it lurched forward. I jumped onto its back and made my way to the other side. It turned its ugly mug towards me, “I am aware of your ranks in your society. Please, tell us your rank.” I noticed in that last part, multiple voices of different sorts seemed to come through, in different accents, speeds and pitches.
“You did it again...” I spoke.
The beast struck its head against a wall, drilling in a hole, “Stop it!”
I found strength in this moment, so I stepped forward and swung my blade to cut its arm, but it moved, sticking to the roof in a solid pair of leaps. “I have not feasted on true, solid souls in the longest while. Your realm only contains the spirits of weak beings.”
Memories of my research began to return to me, piecing together a whole, Magnus Souls are strong, however they consist of the minds of all the souls it has devoured. One needs to remain dominant for its power to grow and for it to evolve further.
“You've never fought a Magnus, have you, young one? You're shivering body and heightened smell of fear gives you away quite well. But do not worry, for you will not breathe a moment longer. You can now see what it truly means to fight a Magnus.”
I watched in horror as its body began to melt into the shadows. His energy spread everywhere, covering every shadow in the room.
“We learned this from a spirit we devoured in the far north, where darkness coats the lands in the coldest times. He learned the ways of these shadows, and we ate him. With that, his powers became ours... Mine.”
His voice is driving me crazy. He strikes from my left but I duck as he sails over me, cutting me across the back and disappearing in the shadows in the process. “I will give you the luxury of knowing the name of me before I become your killer. I am Shroud.”
His/her/its constant switch from 'I' to 'we' told me that his/her/its mind is still in pieces divided amongst the souls that make him/her/it. I could exploit it.
“You're the Shroud...” I spoke, my voice weakening, “then what does that make you?”
It was quiet for a moment, then it spoke, it's single voice echoing from all sides, “We are all Shroud. There is no separation.”
I look around, never lowering my blade. “I believe he would disagree.”
“Stop it...” it commanded.
“Or her.”
“Cut it out!” It's voice was shattering, the differences in them were becoming clearer.
“Or him, and definitely her,” I grinned.
“No! I am the Shroud! I am the Shadow! The One! There is no other!” The lead voice cried. “I command them! They are my victims, my food!”
“Cole!” I hear and turn in horror.
“Sarah! Get back!” I scream, but it's too late.
The Shroud jumps at Sarah, pinning her down. “Too easy,” the Magnus speaks. “You bring a soul to us as a sacrifice? How sweet.” Its face is turned away from me, but I knew something was off about it.
“Let her go, Shroud, take me.” I say aloud.
It lets out a liquid sound similar to gargling that seemed a little like laughter, “You're willing to give your life for this young one,” it turned its head and I saw what I really did to it. Its face was plasmid, with multiple souls fighting for control but it was slowly calming until the original lizard-like face appeared. By acknowledging the other spirits within him, it was tearing him apart, or at the very least, making him weaker, divided.
“I am willing to die for her. She is my teammate and best friend.”
It grinned, least I believe that is what you could've called it, “Then she will die first, let's see if that motivation will make you a more formidable adversary.”
My blood boiled, I moved to attack but something was faster. It was like a tiger but blue and translucent. A psychic construct? Tabby was across the street from us, creating forms of offensive energy. The tiger struck the beast with its whole body, knocking it off Sarah.
The monster fell onto its back and I ran to stab it in the heart, but it was sunk into the shadows before I could get the chance. Tabby ran up to the warehouse and picked up Sarah, “Get out of there you hick! We need backup!”
“No! I got this!” I called and looked around. My heart was pounding and freezing sweat covered my face, I was going to walk out of here killing this thing, or eaten. I was willing to take this chance. I wasn't sure why.
Tabby groaned, Sarah was unconscious, but breathing, Tabby scoffed at me. “Fine then! Die here like the idiot you are!”
With that, she and Sarah were gone, leaving me alone here with... that.
“You should have listened to your friend,” it spoke, “I could always use a bigger meal.”
I took a step forward, pain ripped through me, with any movement at all, “I am not leaving until one of us is dead.”
“Fool.” Its screech rang. I stood still, waiting for its energy to become focused in any form in any place. “Now you can die,” its energy formed a cloud behind me, “like a dog!”
I ducked down and sliced open its stomach as it sailed over me, it screamed and hit the floor with a mighty thud. Its bulky body got back up onto its feet, readying another sinking. But this time I had a plan.
As it began to sink, an idea began to form within my mind. He was gone again, covering every shadow of this room. I painfully made my way into a corner and began charging my energy. I knew I didn't have much time, so before I was sure it was enough, I ignited the dense power.
Half the room filled with fiery light, burning and heating, melting the shadows.
His ability to melt in the darkness has been divided. I saw it form in the far corner, I made a fist at the sight, its bony structures seemed to grind like bad gears, its long neck whipped around, and he hissed at me. “Intelligent young warrior, surely you are. But you are pathetically weak. You let your pain lower your powers. This will truly be your downfall.”
I winced in my own pain again. I frowned at the thing, then I touched the fire and let it run up my skin. I lowered my outer layer of energy that normally protects my skin and let the flames lick the wounds of my back and arms to close the wounds. The pain was greater than anything and after a few moments, I extinguished the fires from myself.
“You are no being. You are just exactly what you eat,” I spoke, “How do you know you existed? How do you know your mind is not just a combination of every mind inside you? That the 'you' you know is not just an idea formed by those beings?”
It screeched in pain, its head began to change forms, as liquid words came through, “No! I am the Shroud! I control these beings! I am alone! I am the one!”
I found a chance while it began to piece together which spirit to become dominate. I twirled my sword as its changing slowed, and its head was solid when my blade stopped moving. It was stuck to the roof, with me hanging onto the blade stuck fast in its head.
Right in the middle of his head, splitting it in half. But it was still alive, “I know you were one being, Shroud,” I began to flood power into my blade, filling it with the energy of fire, “however, you are not now and I will make you one again. You are nothing but a coward, escaping your fate as a human in the afterlife and coming here to feast.” The energy was getting stronger, hotter, “And now you get what you were fated before.”
“No!” It called, “I have faced monsters, succubi, astral spiders, even Aphrodite and Mars! And I escaped every time! But I shall die at the hands of a Heaven-server?! A psychic of Yahweh?!”
“The word is Akkira, and now you will know the name of your killer, for I am Colton Kindlin.”
A fire erupted from my blade, turning the beast's brain to ash, followed by the rest of its form.
I fell from the roof there, landing with aching legs, trying to catch my breath. Minutes later, the forms of Casey and Jonathan come through the door, finding me collapsed on the floor of the warehouse, surrounded by ashes.
I was collapsed, exhausted, but alive and conscious. I smiled, knowing this was a day for the books.
They literally had to carry me to the car because I was having problems getting up from the floor. They had a nearby medic Akkira tie up my wounds in alcohol and gauze. What little areas the fire didn't close to air burned like no other, but I felt pride in myself for the first time in a while.
I sat in a recliner, a cut surrounded by gauze running the length of my arm. Jonathan came in moments after I got back and he sat on the mantle, looking me in the eyes. His face could not look more serious. “What you did was irresponsible, crude, risky and you could have gotten killed over it in moments.” I looked down, he placed a hand on my chin and makes me look at him, his face softened from its hard frown, “But it worked. Congrats on your first Magnus, my friend.”
I smiled but said nothing, I still needed time to process this.
There was a celebration that night to celebrate my victory, not that I needed one. Jonathan's entire group was drinking... I rolled my eyes at the sight, How can Jonathan do this? He's the oldest of them and he's barely twenty. Seth walked by my chair and scoffed at me.
I looked at him, “Hey Seth, where were you when I got this scar running down my arm? Trying on dresses at the GoodWill?” I placed my left hand to my head, “I'm getting a telepathic message from the Shroud.... He says... 'Wuss'!”
He shakes his head and walks off, I stand up with what little strength I have left and make it across the room before Jonathan stops me, “G-good job bro. You's good people...”
Boy, was he hammered. I nodded and proceeded to the kitchen away from the drunks. I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was Sarah. She seemed quite sober, “Glad to see someone who's not drinking,” she smiled.
I looked over at Terrance who was doing a little dance, then I rolled my eyes, “I know, right?” I walked through a door which led to a really small hallway, on the right was a guestroom, on the left was a bathroom, up ahead was what looked like a closet. I walked into the guestroom, Sarah was behind me.
I flipped back onto the bed, yawning and my arm feeling like I was hit by a car.
Sarah sat on the bed, looking at me, she let out a soft giggle.
I arched a brow, “What's so funny?”
She blushed, “Nothing.” She turned her head to the door, as if to plot an escape.
“Sarah, I have to ask a question, why do you like me?”
Her blush increased to match her hair, “What do you mean?”
I smiled at her, “Sarah, you know what I mean.”
Tomato-red.
“I don't know.” she said, “I have just always liked you, I guess. Ever since you showed up at our door three years ago with the reassignment papers.”
I grinned, “So you like me for my papers?”
Her blush lightened to pink-rose, “No, it's just... you were sweet, kind and hard-working, still are.”
I semi-blushed, “Not really, I'm more depressing now.”
She rolled her eyes, “You are not.”
“Have you seen me since back then? I'm a wreck.” I thought for a second, how bad shape I'm in, I felt cold.
“Hon... er... Cole, you're not a wreck. Listen, we all feel upset about what happened but try not to let it ruin you, you're a great guy and you did what you can. You may have another chance to fight that Altissimus one day, then you can send him back, but for right now, let things be as they are.” I looked at her and thought she was crazy.
“I can't... I saw it all happen... Because I couldn't do anything, he couldn't die and pass on like everyone should, he got eaten. To this day he still makes up a part of that beast.”
She sighed, “Now I have a question, do you like me at all?”
Now it was my turn to blush, I wanted to say 'Not in that way' but I couldn't. For a moment, I couldn't think, and I think she saw it.
She leaned in and kissed me.
Leaned in and kissed me.
Kissed me.
When she pulled away, my face was barn-red.
I was in shock, couldn't move, trying to piece together what was going on. Sarah blushed one last time then took off out of the room in a hurry. I lied there for a moment. Not too much longer than it took to piece together my thoughts.
Then I left the building. Terrance tried to stop me as I reached the stairs, but I didn't slow down.
When I was outside, I made sure the streets were clear before I formed my uniform and blade. I needed to be alone for a minute, to give my brain time to figure things out. I was in Gaffney's business center so there were buildings all around me. I turned down an alley between two of these local business and kicked off the left wall, followed by the right wall and onto the roof of the first building.
I knew what happened wasn't worth going ninja in the open (though normal humans can't see me in uniform mode), but I needed to be alone. I leaped to another roof, then another and another, until I saw a low, thick branch of a tree to my right. I jumped, catching it and pulled myself up.
I made my way to the trunk-branch connection and sat there.
Do I like Sarah? That was a question I couldn't answer. I couldn't feel my feelings, it was strange. My heartbeat had slowed and my blush was gone, but I was still breathing hard in the heat of the leftover day. It was long dark, maybe three in the morning. The moon wasn't even in the sky by this point.
Why am I over-thinking this? I took a deep breath, trying to get my mind on track.
“Yo.”
I looked down, Terrance was at the base of the tree. “What's going on?” he asked.
“Nothing, I'm fine.”
I heard a clap and the ground rumbled and shook as Terrance raised the ground to meet me at my level, “Come on, Cole, I've learned enough about women to know that when they say 'I'm fine' when they're very emotional, something's wrong.”
I scowled at him, for being a know-it-all and for reeking of alcohol, “Not to be rude but do not compare me to the tramps that go out with you, and how did you find me anyways?”
“I deserve that, I know,” he halfway smiled, “Anyways, Sarah told me what happened. She didn't want to, but she did.”
The moment the blush hit me, I turned my head so he couldn't see.
“Kiddo, I know why you ran out like you did.”
I tried to put ice behind my voice, “Good, now you want to explain it to me?”
He let loose with a short, wry laugh, “You did it because you wanted to run away from your emotions. You like Sarah, I know you do. Just open your eyes.”
This can't be happening, the drunken moron's making sense.
“Tell me I'm wrong,” he said.
I couldn't... I couldn't say it.
He smiled, though I couldn't see him all that well, I knew he had to be wearing the look of victory.
He turned away, lowering back to the flat ground below, “Come home at anytime, we'll be waiting.”
I sighed, and waited until he was out of sensing range before I jumped from the tree and headed back.
Everyone was asleep by the time I was back in the lower levels of the station. Terrance was on the couch, as usual, Casey's slumbering energy was in Jonathan's room while Jonny himself was wrapped in a blanket on the floor and Sarah was in the chair in an unnatural position. I sighed. I slipped my arms under her knees and her neck and lifted her up. I walked passed the kitchen and into the guestroom, which was empty.
I gently placed Sarah onto the bed and worked the covers to get them out from under her to cover her. Then I left the room, cutting off the lights on the way out, and lowering my energy until I was back in my original clothes. I was exhausted, letting out a yawn as I made my way to a corner of the room. I lied down alone, lining my back to one wall and my feet against the other. Despite my discomfort, I was asleep in less than a minute.
I woke up to the sounds of moaning on the other side of the room. I stretched in place before I opened my eyes. I moved around until my back popped.
“Never again...” I heard. I sat up and saw Terrance clutching his head in his hands.
“Hey, dimwit.”
He looked to me, “Don't be so loud, I got a huge hangover...”
I shrugged, “Not my fault, you're eighteen. Drinking shouldn't be a pastime of yours.”
“If you're not going to help me, then be quiet...” he moaned some more, then he stood to go to the next move.
“Actually, hangovers are mostly caused by dehydration, I hear. Drink some water and it'll go away faster.” I pointed out.
He let out a small chuckle, “Good idea, some water for my dry soil.”
“Will you two stay quiet?”
I looked to the floor under the blankets, Jonathan stirred, “Some of us are trying to sleep.”
“Sorry,” I said, quietly making my way to the refrigerator. I opened it to see that it was picked dry, nothing left in it that I felt like eating. I clicked my tongue and shut the door in disappointment.
“'Morning, boys,” Amy spoke up as she entered the room from Tabby's room into the nearest side of the living room. She was wearing a long Slipknot shirt and cutoff denim shorts.
“Good morning,” I replied.
She looked over into the kitchen, “What's for breakfast?”
I sighed, “We seem to be out of food all together, so probably nothing.”
She frowned, “Ok, I guess I could drive down and get some food. Gimme the keys, Terrance.”
Terrance scoffed at the command. “No, you don't have enough experience to drive, how the society managed to give you a license, I'll never know.” He reached into the cabinets above the bar separating the living room from the kitchen and pulled out a blue Solo cup. He turned on the water to the sink and filled the cup.
“I don't have the experience because you won't ever let me drive,” she pointed out to him. “Come on, just the once, everyone's either asleep or hungover except Cole and he doesn't even have his license.”
Terrance began to hold the cup up to his lips, “The answer is no.”
Amy growled and looked dead at the cup. She formed an 'O' with her thumb, index and middle fingers, focusing energy. She straightened them quickly and the cup's water splashed up, getting into Terrance's eyes and his nose.
He started to gag and wipe his face, “Don't do that!”
Amy held out her hand, “Keys first.”
“No.” Terrance tossed the cup into the sink, “You are not driving my Focus.”
Amy laughed, “Come on, what's the worst that could happen?”
Terrance thought, “Car crash, speeding, tearing up the wheels or the rims, filling with the wrong fuel, getting pulled over and being rude to the cop, take your pick.”
I heard a groan from the floor, “Just take my car, as long as it'll keep you all quiet... Keys are on the fridge, the car is parked at the Auto shop across the street next to the Focus. White Taurus, can't miss it.”
Terrance stiffened for a minute, “I don't think you really want to do that.” But it was too late, Amy had already swiped the keys and disappeared up the stairs. Minutes later, we hear the squeal of tires heading south. In response, Jonathan sits up straight and looks at me in horror. I shrugged and Terrance let out a slight chuckle.
“Please tell me she isn't going to crash my car.”
I inhaled sharply, “I can't tell you that.”
“You don't get it, the society didn't give me that car, I worked and payed for it.”
Terrance held back a laugh as he poured himself a new drink, “Now you know why I didn't let her have my keys.” Terrance looked around the room, starting at the chair, “Hey, where's Sarah?”
“She looked uncomfortable in the chair she was sleeping in, so I carried her to the guestroom.” I admitted.
“So where did you sleep?”
I pointed to the wall, “In the floor.”
He flinched for some unknown reason, “And you thought she'd be uncomfortable...”
I shrugged, “I was fine, I mean you know me, I'd sleep on concrete if I had to.”
He half-frowned, “Actually, I think you did before. Remember that time in Georgia? When they had that Southern Akkira of America conference?”
Oh, I remembered all right, “Don't remind me, that was the day I got in a fight with that stuck-up Sixth rank. Dude didn't stand a chance.”
Terrance pointed at me, “He still beat you though. You even broke your left arm.”
“Oh please, the guy told me he was an electro, but he was clearly a basic Energy Manipulator, he lied about his traits and used the energy to power-up his muscles. If he didn't lie and cheat, I would've won.”
“Your arm snapped like a twig and you passed out on the ground. You have as much fighting skill as Betty White.”
I stepped back, “You wanna go? Name a time and place, I'll school you old style.”
“Guys, grow up,” Jonathan said, “You two are teammates. You don't have time to fight against each other.”
I smiled, “You are obviously underestimating how much free time we have.”
He sighed in surrender and got up, “Evidently I'm not going to get any more sleep with you two up.”
“That is true, we do give people insomnia when we're in the same room. Like soda and mentos.”
“Idiots...”
He got up, rubbing his head. “I'm going to the bathroom, if you hear something that sounds like a cat being dipped in acid by hyenas, that's me.”
“Good to know,” I replied.
He left the room with that, getting faster and further every second.
“You know, I think this water is making my head stop hurting. Now I can think of beating you this Friday.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Time and place, this Friday in the training woods. I can think of ways to beat you now.”
“Ah,” I said while nodding, then I planted my palm on his head with a smack, he flinched back, clutching his head again. “Try to think now, but don't hurt yourself.”
I heard noises coming from one of the bathrooms, Jonathan wasn't exaggerating. He sounded that sick.
I made a face showing my disgust as I looked towards the bathroom he was in.
“Good news, I found that gum I swallowed two months ago...”
It may be my turn to vomit... “That's good to know.”
“When did I have chicken?”
“I couldn't tell you,” I called back.
Terrance started laughing, I rolled my eyes and went over to the chair as another squeal of tires on pavement occurred overhead.
“Oh goodie, Amy's home,” I said.
After a couple minutes or so, Amy started bounding down the stairs like she was mad at them.
“Un-freaking-believable!” she yelled as she entered the room, Terrance winced in pain from the volume. “Cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket!”
Jonathan hit his shoulder entering the room with how fast he was running. “You what now? What was the ticket for?” From the look in his wide eyes, you could tell he was in panic.
“Ooh! Was it speeding?” I asked.
“I bet it was for not wearing a seatbelt,” Terrance said.
She exhaled loudly, “You're both right.” She said a couple of bad names under her breath for the both of us.
I saw the McDonald's bag in her hand and I leaped for it. She pulled it from me and held out the ticket, “But first...”
I took the ticket, crumpled it up and tossed it back to Jonathan, then I took the bag.
“I got you two McMuffins. Take them and get the butter biscuit for Sarah, take it to her for me.”
I really wasn't sure if I should go in there considering the situation yesterday.
I took the McMuffins out and the biscuit, nodding and heading for the guestroom.
She was still asleep when I opened the door. I flicked on the light and she didn't even move. I walked over to the bed.
She looks like a sleeping angel.
I shook my head to clear the thought. I pulled the blanket off her and she moved a little. “Sarah, time to wake up.”
She opened her eyes a little and sat up. She yawned a little bit and stretched, when she saw me, she blushed and scooted back a little. For a moment I was disappointed in myself for what happened and how I reacted the night before.
“Amy got you a biscuit,” I stated, handing it out to her.
She took it and I took a seat on the bed, “Listen, I'm sorry about last night.”
She blushed a shade deeper, “No, Cole, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, you know.”
“Sarah, just listen for right now, I shouldn't have run off, it was completely immature of me.” I looked away as I continued, “I guess ever since Kage died... I haven't been able to feel my emotions on any real level. When you kissed me, I didn't know how to react.”
She still wouldn't look me in the eye.
“It was wrong of me to run out like that. It was just confusion and my inability to feel that pushed me to that.”
She didn't say anything, so I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Then I left without another word.
Back in the living room, Jonathan sees me and says, “Hey, I'm about to make a run to the store, I know y'all are leaving today but do you need anything in particular?”
I sighed, looking back to the room I just came from, “Yeah, get me a couple of Dr. Peppers.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Okay, I'm really feeling it that I haven't read the rest of this . . .

But it was amazing, really, your style is perfect. Fairly decent grammar, mixed with a touch of humor, on top of it, really easy going characters, and it's just informal enough . . . perfect style, I wish I could write in a style like yours (I'm too formal).
You do have a couple of grammar mistakes, simple typos really.
Toward the beginning of the story there are a couple of little spots where two words are crammed together, that needs fixing.
I think you may have changed your tense once or twice, that messed things up pretty bad. You'd better fix those.
It really helps to read your story out loud while editing, it works like a charm.
I can't really tell if this is original or not, but I think it is. And I'm loving it.
It really was great, the idea has me hooked.
Your fight scene is a bit messed up by the lack of tension, emotion, fear, and speed. For someone who doesn't write it wouldn't matter that much, it would just be a bit more boring than it should be, lol, but for me, as a writer, it's a bit of a problem
Okay, I'm going to see about going and reviewing some of the rest of your story, because I really am feeling the lack of knowledge here.
Also, something that helps the reader visualize what's going on in a story is to add more detail. What people look like, what places look like, what people are feeling and thinking . . .
Details, I find, can make a huge difference in a story.
But this has amazing potential, keep it up like this, who knows where you'll be someday in the future.
GREAT WORK.
AND KEEP WRITING>
Hey Jay! Auxiira here to review!
I found this whilst listening to Angels by Robbie Williams so it was chosen by favourite song....^^
I found a few problems in this so here they are:
It seems like you typed the beginning a bit fast.
Tense problem:
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Exist, no?
-
we heard/ Jonathan sat up straight and looked at me in horror[/quote]
Woah, really! Mars! and this kid manages to beat him?!
"I lay there for a moment, the time that it took to piece together my thoughts" sounds a bit better but these two sentences are quite awkward.
Other than that, I really liked this!
Hope I helped, keep writing!
Auxiira^^