Secrets of the Akkira: Chapter 1

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A re-write from the original. I changed a few things and moved it around, tell me what you think lol

Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Introduction to the Supernatural

The summer heat beat down roughly on me despite the sun being long set in the horizon. A slight breeze teased me, as it was gone as quick as it had come, and it was never felt again. The humidity was the worst part of this night. It was difficult to breathe the air with the water nearly outweighing it. It was like scuba-diving with a leaking air tank.

I leaned back on the roof of the high school I was on and I crossed my arms. “Guys, where are you?” I spoke aloud without parting my teeth.

I took off my red fedora to wipe the beads of sweat from my brow.

I swear, I'm going to torch someone.

My bets were placed on Terrance being sent after me tonight. He's a friend and all, but he chases skirts like he was going to die tomorrow. Makes me wish everyone else would let me get him a ticket to Scotland, let him chase skirts there.

The air began to get heavier, and I looked over the side of the building I lay upon. The air above the concrete began to distort as I looked, becoming green-tinted, then faded to black. I reached for the blade strapped on my back, getting ready to strike.

Looks like they won't make it. How typical.

I watched closely as a left claw, paper-white and bony in appearance, ripped its way through into our world. Its face and body came next, the face matched that of gargoyles, with black, soulless eyes. It had two non-functioning wings on its back. As for its back legs, they were shaped roughly similar to that of a horse's. This was a basic ghoul soul.

I pulled out my blade that gleamed in the moonlight, “Guess it's now or never.”

I leaped down a few feet behind it and I swung my sword diagonally to slice off one of its useless wings. Green blood erupted from the wound, reeking of brimstone and spoiled mayonnaise. It gave off an inhuman scream and it turned around with a large claw stretched out.

I came to realize the monster was much bigger up close, being a good two heads or so taller than me when it was on all fours. With its empty eyes, it looked right at me. With its oversized claw, it swung down.

I jumped back and sliced narrowly, putting a cut in its palm. I groaned at myself for missing so terribly. He didn't seem to notice so he tried again, but it came a little short and I put a large gauge in it's wrist, allowing its blood to spill faster. Within a half second of his next bellow, I had sunk the blade deep in the asphalt and placed my hands together, filling them with energy to create a fireball with my pyrokinesis.

However, it didn't form, sparks burned for but a split-second and they died out quickly.

The humidity.

“Uh-oh.”

When he struck this time, I flew back and hit the road, literally. Pain roared through my body and I tried to yell out, but no sound came. In moments the beast had me pinned under his left claw, while raising it's right claw. I closed my eyes, and waited for the kill, but it never came.

I opened my right eye slightly, and saw that the ghoul's claw was tied up with vines, constricting his movements to near nothing. I turned my head just slightly to see Terrance a little distance away, with a hand raised to control the vines. “Hey, Cole, how's life?” He made a fist and pulled back, causing the vines to pull the monster back and release me.

In anger, I forced pure energy into my fist and punched the ghoul right in the jaw, shattering the bone into a jigsaw puzzle. I jumped over to remove my blade from the pavement, “Took you long enough.” I sprinted towards the beast and chopped at the spinal cord, paralyzing the ghoul from the waist down. The force of gravity worked with the pulling force of the monster to allow his claw to rip free, but also for it collapse under its own weight.

As the ghoul turned to face us, Terrance clapped his hands so that his fingers were slapping his opposite palms. He pulled them apart and layers of gravel and stone began to form around his right hand. He lunged forward with great speed, clocking the beast on the side of the face and separating the left lower-jaw from his face completely. Blood and saliva to spewed onto the ground.

I twisted around, giving the blade more force to amputate its right hand. As it was stumbling trying to gain balance on one hand and a bloody stump, I ran up to the side and cut one last time into its skull.

The beast stopped moving, and I pulled my blade out as its body became ash where it once stood.

“Terrance, no girl is worth leaving your teammate to fight a ghoul alone.”

He gave me a look, “What if she was hot?”

I clenched a fist, fixing to punch his lights out, but I just sighed and began to walk towards the road.

“Hey where are you going?”

I placed my hands in my pockets, “Home.”

“But the Focus is right here!” he called out as I got further away.

“I don't know where it's been, rather, who's been in it.”

He scoffed and climbed into the driver's seat and hit the gas. He drove right past me in a hurry.

I slowed the flow of my energy, allowing my uniform to morph back into my original clothes. My hat and sword vanished as they too were made of energy.

The thought of that monster made me wonder just where it was destined to go from here? As Akkira, we know that once a ghoul was destroyed it was sent to the mediator, which we call Verse. From there, it was given judgment on where it was to go, either Heaven or Inferno. These days, we don't know much about the afterlife. Anyone that does is in higher ranks with access to files no one can see. All we know is the ghouls are cowards that escaped judgment and we were born to send them back. That's our entire life. We don't even know how we control our energy, just that it was a gift to us from the afterlife.

A white Chevy drives past me, making me wonder if life would be better if I was like them. Just a normal human being with no powers. They can't see the ghouls or any demons. At times, they can't even see us, as long as we are in uniform. Something about our energy makes our beings vibrate at higher levels than they can see or something.

Our lives aren't easy. Some of those people dream of having superpowers and killing monsters just like these. But this is no dream. It's nothing but sweat and blood. They find the thought of being heroes amazing; the thought of killing, thrilling. They can take it from me, I feel nothing from slicing up those monsters. It's just me going through the motions.

Though there was always a part of me wondering what would happen if I was in their situation, if I would run. And if so, what for? We never know their side of the story. The ones that have any sense in their heads are too intelligent to come anywhere near us. We never know anything about them. We just do what our ancestors have done forever. We do it for those normal people. One cut from a ghoul and you're good as dead.

I shook my head. I was in no place to question anything, I'm just a ninth rank, the second lowest in the society. At times I think the society forgot about us. Being stationed us in one of the backwoods towns of the state of South Carolina doesn't get us much attention in the eyes of the higher-ups. We may very well spend our entire lives here. Not that it matters.

I tried to clear my head as I walked down the shadow-stricken road that was leading me slowly but surely back home.

Comments & reviews · 9
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User avatar
StoneHeart
Review

Okay, this was good, not as good as the latest chapter, but it was still enjoyable.

I really can tell how much you've improved from here too your last chapter.

Ahem, this one had more serious problems, mainly, I don't have virtually zero details on surroundings, zero on people, zero on buildings and objects, and guess what? Zero on the world.

Obviously these guys in here go around hunting monsters, right?

Well, what are they called, what exactly do they do, why do they do it. It's important to get critical questions like this out of the way at the beginning.

As I said before, I like to try to live a story when I read it, and if I am lacking critical facts, then I can't really do that can I?

Your grammar and style are both decent, but, no offense, they're mega-garbage compared with how you get in your latest chapter. Remember what I said that your present style has about it that I like???

Okay, the idea seems original, and I can appreciate that.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a sucker for details, I've written like 30 reviews in the past day and they all seem to have something along the lines of ' not enough detail ' in them somewhere.

I suspect that's my style getting in the way.

Keep writing! Great work > Really.

User avatar
crossroads
Review

Hello there, Jay :)

So.. It's nicely written, I liked it. The description in the beginning did pull me in, and I liked the thoughts in italics. The dialogue is good too, though maybe it would be good if you mentioned something that would tell us about Terrance's tendency to put girls in front of his duty, since you have it talked about later ;)

As for this part - I wore jeans and two shirts, a yellow t-shirt and a red long-sleeved shirt, atop my head was a fedora, very different from what others of today wear.it wasn't very tall and had a wide and long brim, it colors matched those of my shirts and it donned a blue hatband. Strapped to my back was a large Japanese-style sword with a slightly curved blade in a bronze sheath. - I think is not really necessary. Frankly, it pretty much breaks the 'show, don't tell' rule. Well, you have to tell us the description, but still, I think it would be better if you broke it into pieces or told us that description somewhere along the way, perhaps connected with some action the character takes :)

All I'm all, it was pretty interesting. I'd like to know more about what's really all of it about, of the characters' history and how they've became what they are in this chapter. So keep writing, and I'll look forward to the next entries of yours!

Kind regards,
Aria

User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:19 am

Alright, hey Jay.

Overall, this was a pretty good chapter, I think. It conveyed fairly well, and I couldn't spot any grammatical mistakes either. The nit-picks I'm going to... pick at, are of a different nature.

The humidity was the worst part of this night. It was difficult to breathe the air with the water nearly outweighing it


If it's that humid, your character is probably going to be sweating just a tad more than beads on his forehead... unless he has some sort of immunity to heat or whatnot.

I wore jeans and two shirts, a yellow t-shirt and a red long-sleeve shirt, atop my head was a fedora, very different from what others of today wear. It wasn't very tall and had a wide and long brim, it's colors matched that of my shirts and it donned a blue hatband. Strapped to my back was a large Japanese-styled sword with a slightly curved blade in a bronze sheath.


This seems kind of info-dumpy, I must say. It's understandable you want to get over with the boring description and get to the action, but spreading it out a bit makes it more organic, flow better and well, less info-dumpy.

The air began to get heavier, and I looked over the side of the building I lay upon. The air around the concrete below began to distort as I looked, becoming green-tinted, then faded to black. I reached for my blade, getting ready to strike.


I dig, but how does he know exactly where the ghoul is going to show up? Supernatural senses? I don't think you state this explicitly.

This was a basic ghoul soul.


Does it actually do anything? That confused me there for a second.

I pulled out my blade which gleamed in the moonlight, “Guess it's now or never.”


Pretty sure that comma isn't required.

Now, as for the combat, you use 'swung' a lot. There are synonyms. And also, it's kind of a vague swing in places... direction would be nice.

Furthermore, you speak of 'energy.' What is it, exactly? How can it be harnessed? We see fireballs and vines, but no limitations/specifications save the humidity. Which may lead to an overpowered-situation. Unless it's revealed in later chapters, which actually may just be the best thing.

“Terrance, no girl is worth leaving your teammate to fight a ghoul alone. Especially if the teammate is a pyro and the weather is humid.”


What girl? Where was a girl mentioned previously? I may have missed something...

I placed my hands in my pockets, “Home.”


Fairly sure no comma is required, but a full-stop.

“But the Focus is right here!” he called out as I got further away.


Focus? Oooh. Sounds interesting. But alas unexplained.


Well, overall, this was very good! I enjoyed reading to it.

Hope this helped
~Ita

Time for explaining, Cole is a pyro, so he's more tolerant to heat. More of this will be explained later. And Terrance drives a Ford Focus

Time for explaining, Cole is a pyro, so he's more tolerant to heat. More of this will be explained later. And Terrance drives a Ford Focus

Oh and Terrance is fairly typical so it was a wild and very accurate guess as to wear he was while Cole was on patrol and it even says near the top where Terrance probably was if he was the one sent
Thanks for reading!

User avatar
Lycando
Review

Hey there Jay!

I like your narration throughout this whole chapter, about the heat and such, it shows how the character feels, difficult to breathe, and such. The fighting scene was also done pretty well, and the dialogue showed the kind of relationship the two characters had, it wasn't monotonous either or full of bombastic words, it keeps the actual feeling of conversation there.

Your paragraphs should be spaced out. Right now you start the new paragraph right after the previous one, there should be an empty line of spacing there. Also, this kind of story is pretty cliche. Human fights beast, human is about to get killed by the beast and someone comes along in the nick of time to rescue him/her. I don't exactly know the concept of this, seeing as this is only the first chapter. But if the rest of the story is going to be like that, it's pretty predictable somehow, unless of course you add a twist to it.

I noticed a small error in the first part when Cole asked "Guys, where are you?". I was expecting a group of people to come but in the end only one showed up. Cole should have just said "Terrance, where are you?"

Hope my review helped! :)

Well for that last part of your comment, he didn't really know for sure who all was coming or how many, its normally a partnership but it gets busy sometimes, and I know the fight is a cliche but it won't always be like that, there will be times later where he actually fails. Can't have an unbeatable cast, you know lol and thanks for the comment and the complements lol

User avatar
irsyad23
Review

Hey.

This story is extremely well written. Like I was reading a novel from a professional. I liked the concept of this story. But I think you should space each paragraph so that it is easier to be read.

And, this one over here,

1# [In anger, I forced pure energy into my fist and punch the ghoul right in the jaw, shattering the bone. I ran over to <removed> my blade from the pavement, “Took you long enough, Terrance.”]

It is supposed to be 'remove'. To is always followed by a root word. I bet you know about it.

#2 And I'm not sure if 'waste' is the right word. I think you mean 'waist'. Here,
[I jumped towards the beast and sliced the spinal cord, paralyzing the ghoul from the <waste> down]

#3 [It wasn't very tall and had a wide and long brim, <it's> colors matched that of my shirts and it donned a blue hatband]

And there's a slight mistake and it should be its. (possession)

Anyway, I like the story and you should keep posting good works like this. Thank you.

Thanks lol, and my computer has a problem with autocorrect, I wrote waist but it went weird, I don't have Microsoft Word, I use a different thing, and I meant to have spaced it out but it happened when I copied and pasted it

oh and also, it's means it is or it has, it doesn't have an apostrophe for possession since it's a pronoun, it's like saying his or her.



Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
— Noam Chomsky