Rated for cursing.
It ended with a funeral.
There was my father, his shirt and pants perfectly ironed, his hair perfectly coiffed yet his perfect life shattered. Shock was clear in his eyes, somehow melding with this dazed sort of look, like he was actually asleep in bed and would wake up to a perfect new day very soon. The opposite of my mother: his body was stiff and numb, his fingers digging into the caramel wood of the pew he sat in, completely still, almost statue like.
There was my mother, with her head cradled in her arms, her entire body bent down to her knees, her hands pulling her tangled, messy hair as she moaned and wept and wailed, the sound strongly muffled by the long, shroud-like dress her tears were soaking into.
There was Lucy, sniffling with her eyes swollen and red and wiping her nose with her too-long black dress sleeve. She didn't look like she belonged here, with her feathery blonde hair and forget-me-not eyes, but rather on the stained glass windows, an angel hiding amongst humans.
And there was me, standing on the side, head tilted, watching my family mourn my dead body. The casket was pearly white with red velvet lining and I felt claustrophobic just looking at it. It was an open-casket funeral and I looked plastic and fake, but not like a Barbie doll, even with my hair done in pretty curls and my lips so red they looked glossed in blood. I looked more like a corpse that some poor, unfortunate soul had filled with embalming fluid so I didn't begin to decompose during the funeral, which is exactly what I was.
The church was beautiful, with red carpet flooring and marble statues of Jesus and Mary. Painted ivy snaked up and down the walls, framing the glass windows that cast dyed shards of light on everyone's faces.
Aunt Ellie was crying, her shoulders shaking as she rubbed her swollen belly with one hand and squeezed Uncle Richard's hand with the other. Ryan was wailing, in the midst of his terrible twos, and Angelina was hushing and cooing him, her fair skin splotchy, her green eyes blood-shot, like a drunk's. A pang of envy ran through me as I noticed, even then, even there, she was more beautiful than any one person has the right to be.
There were others, cousins and aunts and uncles, grandparents from both sides and my godmother and her family. My boss and co-workers, the librarians at school, most of my teachers, the principal, my coach and all of my team mates, some strangers, some acquaintances, some people I hadn't seen in years. They meant nothing and everything to me and it hurt so much to realize that I had been loved by all these people.
Friends too, a shockingly large amount, some bowing their heads in prayer or maybe respect, others crying, others reading the paper pamphlet that described Chloe Deshmount's life in a couple hundred words. My eyes glanced over them, Emma and Akila and Rosie and Joshua and that guy from math class whose name I could never remember and dozens more all here, sitting, standing, kneeling, shaking, crying, all here at my funeral.
Father Sebastian was at the altar, tall, with a deep, soothing voice that spoke, almost sung, lost, shattered words in Latin; et lux perpetua luceat eis, et lux perpetua luceat eis, et lux perpetua luceat eis*. His eyes had a certain glassy look, like he was about to cry and his fingers gripped the podium tightly as he begun to speak in English again.
"For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day,"
A choked sob broke out of my mother and Angelina was fervently whispering along to the pastor, clutching a long strand of rosary beads in her hand, pushing bead by bead as she said each 'Amen'. Ryan, long-forgotten by his sister, was in his father's lap, sucking his thumb and staring up at the church walls, marveling at the stained glass.
The cold, salty taste of regret was fresh on my tongue as I noticed Aiden, sitting next to his mother, staring straight ahead, perhaps at nothing, his arms crossed, the corners of his eyes slightly wet. His mother was patting his knee, a worried, sad look on her face, glancing at him and Nina and recognizing the similarities between her children. Aiden gently pulled his leg away from his mother's hammering and gritted his teeth, hard. He swallowed and I could tell he was tasting regret as well.
Nina was on the other side of Aiden, looking small and lifeless, so unlike the brass, drunk girl who had slung her arm around my shoulder once and slurred it was just me and her against the world. She was wearing the satiny black dress she was supposed to wear to prom, sophomore year, when Jacob Flint asked her but her mom didn't let her go. We had picked it out together from this funky thrift shop on Murberry street, the one that my mother didn't like because she had once seen a homeless man peeing in the alley beside it.
I can imagine her in her room, fingering the edges of the dress with one hand and carefully applying red lipstick with the other, making sure not to tremble so her make-up wouldn't get messed up. The green of her iris' were vivid against the smoky eye shadow and thick mascara that coated the edges of her eyes, streaking down her face with black tears and I remember 7th grade when we tested whether our make-up really was water-proof.
The priest paused and suddenly, the shadow of an unusually large bird danced through the windows. The bird sang and there was silence except for the bird's voice, low and clear, mourning in it's own way. Then it stopped, the bird flew away and it seemed like everyone woke up, my father staring at the window long after the bird had gone. My eyes flicked back to Nina and Daniel and Aiden and Amber and then they stopped and looked back, noticing something that wasn't there before, like an inch of fabric revealed with simple stitch work.
Tyler, he came too, his face blank of emotion, like he wasn't even here, maybe remembering the last funeral he had been to. He was grasping Liza's hand, holding it so tightly I knew it must have been hurting her, and I stared at their laced hands and felt a raw, aching burn in my stomach, like someone had dripped acid over an open wound. Time stopped for a moment and my heart jack-hammered in my chest as I stared, hungrily eating up the sight of him. I was still shocked at how gorgeous he was, all blue eyes and dark, dark hair and stubble and this immense sort of sadness in his eyes, like the world was about to end and he had realized there was nothing he could do about it.
I felt light and a million and two memories shot through my head of us all and I really missed them for a minute. Suddenly the world had been taken off my shoulders, an eighteen year old Atlas and I was going to grab them both and tell them so much until the church bells rang three times and I remembered why Tyler was here, why Nina was here, why I was here, why everyone was here-
I was dead.
*'and let perpetual light shine upon them' in Latin; often repeated during funeral prayers.
End of chapter
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138,305 Literary Works • 672,101 Reviews
Good opening line. Simply, straight-forward, defining.
I like the idea of the repetitive beginnings to the opening paragraphs - "There was", but the phrasing itself seems off. It's verging on being awkward, but it's not quite there yet.
You create the atmosphere of a funeral well. I've been to a few funerals and they're all similar to the one you've created here. The emotion is laced well through the different faces she can see. I wish I could give some sort of pointer towards this, but you've done a good job and there isn't much to comment on.
When you introduce some characters, you don't fully introduce them. You're throwing around names like "Lucy" (who i assumed to be her sister), and "Aiden" and "Tyler", but you don't really explain who they are. I haven't read ahead, so if you explain who they are later or this is being used for effect, then don't pay attention to this. But if not, I would explain who they are, throw in a hint or two at least.
I wish I had more pointers or more to say, but I truly enjoyed this and I'm excited to see where it's headed. You have a good writing style that leads way to beautiful description and well-rounded characters. I know you didn't want nitpicks, so I didn't include any, but there wasn't anything to really nitpick at anyway. I shall try to review the next chapter soon!
I agree. The work is heavy in detail but is beautifully written. I feel there's far too much explanation and with a bit of dialogue, it would be perfect.
Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review!
Never start a sentence with a conjunction because conjunctions connect sentences together. Conjunctions include: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. In this case replace and with then. What is your main character standing on the side of? The aisle? Pew? His/her own casket?
This doesn't flow well; I think you need to replace the and after lining with a semi-colon (;).
There needs to be a comma after funeral because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
There needs to be a comma after fluid because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction so.
Because you are writing in past tense, it should be had after person.
The second sentence isn't a complete sentence because there is no verb. I suggest either adding a verb or replace the period after family with a comma and lower case the m in my.
There should be a comma after me because you are combining two complete sentences with the verb and.
Add a comma after cry because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
There should be a comma after mother because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
Replace the and after Nina with a comma.
There should be a comma after swallowed because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
Replace the and after tears with a semi-colon (;), so this will flow better
add a comma after sang because you are combining two complete sentences together with the conjunction and.
The comma after stopped should be a semi-colon, and there should be a comma after away. The comma after up should be a semi-colon.
My eyes flicked back to Nina and Daniel and Aiden and Amber and then they stopped and looked back, noticing something that wasn't there before, like an inch of fabric revealed with simple stitch work.
There should be a comma after all because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
I really liked this. Other than the grammatical errors I didn't find anything I disagreed with. Please let me know when the next chapters are coming.
Beautiful
Had me holding my breath. 
Consider me a new follower.
It isn't often a novel ends up on the front of this site, so I knew this probably had to be either really good or something stupidly hyped like "Twilight." I was glad that this was the first! Seriously, I really liked this. Your tone, your outlook on the people around you, and the developing ideas that form through this (along with the fact that it really hasn't developed in a particular direction yet) all make this really interesting to read. I'll definitely try to keep up with your next chapters.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Okay, here I am as requested. And I'm not sure why, I mean you have had some damn good reviewers here, and I haven't read them all so I may repeat what they say. Let's begin.
So this doesn't belong here, it belongs on real pages. It's so close to being publishable, but the small errors that occur are so jarring that it throws the reader, abandons them mid sentence.
I will begin with the intro. The hook. It really wasn't good enough. A few others have praised you for your opening line, for me it was a dripping cliché. I have read this intro a hundred times, and it is no longer effective. With this story, you have an opportunity to open with a stunning first line, something that sends the breath back down my throat, something so powerful, so well constructed that the reader can't ignore it. It will take some time to get this right, trial and error, trial and error, but when you get it right it will all be worth it.
The intro itself needs to be longer, that is to say, you need to introduce a little more. The first time I read this, I stopped, I didn't get past the first few lines. I regret it now, of course, but that's one thing that will stay with me. The fact that the intro was so weak that I didn't give the rest of the story a chance. I think it was all the perfect's. I think you should rewrite the intro a few times, but do it completely different each time. So for instance, try addressing the reader directly or try a description of the roof of the church, as though the narrator is still looking through their own eyes. I don't know, like I said trial and error.
Now for the characters. This is perhaps your strong suit. The thing that impressed me, the thing that influenced me, the thing I will remember later today is the character. It's truly effortless and I applaud you. Even well established writers fail to subtly place character descriptions. But there isn't one line in this story that is solely devoted to character description -- with exception to the introduction. Every thing I know about these characters was induced passively. I know the narrator had strong feelings towards the boy, I know the mother is overly protective and a little genteel. I know the father has an attention to detail, don't ask me how I know these things, but I do. That is the beauty of this piece. Don't lose that, don't force it, just keep it natural and you will be grand.
The plot. This is lacking. I would call this a prologue because it sets a premise, it eventuates the narrative, it begins the story but doesn't actually take us closer to the end -- if that makes sense? Because nothing is said, there is no action and only a little conflict. I think you can remedy this by adding an internal conflict. Make the narrator a little confused, because she seems perfectly comfortable with death. The only feeling we get is the jackhammering heart. Make her unearthly and cold. She is distant, but too distant, as though she can't acknowledge her feelings. I think you need to start the story off here, it is strong enough, only just, because the characters are so full already. But you really must foreshadow the forthcoming drama. The matter of the death itself isn't even touched upon, and in a way I like this, but for most readers it will be an afterthought, it will be a 'Oh, gee, I wonder how she actually died.' It isn't at the forefront where perhaps it should be. I can only speculate as to where this is going, to me it reads a little like the lovely bones, so I assume the denouement comes somewhere around the discovery of the narrators death, her best friend falls in love with the boy, and she can finally pass? I don't know, I really don't, but the story better start soon because character alone isn't enough to carry a novel.
The writing itself is wonderful, full of description, you paint a really clear picture and have a firm grasp on the language. There is no slip in the narrative as far as word use goes, it is all pretty good.
Here is a rare slip. Consider this image. Consider how blood looks, lips can be blood-red, but coated in blood is an expression reserved for zombie thrillers, because blood runs and it isn't true to the image you wanted to evoke.
This for me was undoubtedly the strongest line of the entire piece and really supports what I said about character. Here are two characters who seem unimportant but they get this piece of description -- I would say you introduce too many characters -- but you don't really commit too much of the story to them. What I am trying to say is, the way you introduce these two characters is so subtle, and so natural that they become part of the setting, yet now I know her aunty is pregnant, I know there names and that they are close. In the space of just a few words, so much information is induced, even the fact that your narrator is taking a moment to point this out, it really is a brilliant line.
cliché. But you have been good about avoiding clichés so it doesn't stick out too much.
Why? if you are going to talk about irony, make it clear what is ironic. Also bitter-sweet is a hideous cliché. One last nitpick, there was also a word towards the end, I can't find it now, but you made it up and you are so good with real words that I would urge you to stick to them.
JP
Okay, here I am as requested. And I'm not sure why, I mean you have had some damn good reviewers here, and I haven't read them all so I may repeat what they say. Let's begin.
So this doesn't belong here, it belongs on real pages. It's so close to being publishable, but the small errors that occur are so jarring that it throws the reader, abandons them mid sentence.
I will begin with the intro. The hook. It really wasn't good enough. A few others have praised you for your opening line, for me it was a dripping cliché. I have read this intro a hundred times, and it is no longer effective. With this story, you have an opportunity to open with a stunning first line, something that sends the breath back down my throat, something so powerful, so well constructed that the reader can't ignore it. It will take some time to get this right, trial and error, trial and error, but when you get it right it will all be worth it.
The intro itself needs to be longer, that is to say, you need to introduce a little more. The first time I read this, I stopped, I didn't get past the first few lines. I regret it now, of course, but that's one thing that will stay with me. The fact that the intro was so weak that I didn't give the rest of the story a chance. I think it was all the perfect's. I think you should rewrite the intro a few times, but do it completely different each time. So for instance, try addressing the reader directly or try a description of the roof of the church, as though the narrator is still looking through their own eyes. I don't know, like I said trial and error.
Now for the characters. This is perhaps your strong suit. The thing that impressed me, the thing that influenced me, the thing I will remember later today is the character. It's truly effortless and I applaud you. Even well established writers fail to subtly place character descriptions. But there isn't one line in this story that is solely devoted to character description -- with exception to the introduction. Every thing I know about these characters was induced passively. I know the narrator had strong feelings towards the boy, I know the mother is overly protective and a little genteel. I know the father has an attention to detail, don't ask me how I know these things, but I do. That is the beauty of this piece. Don't lose that, don't force it, just keep it natural and you will be grand.
The plot. This is lacking. I would call this a prologue because it sets a premise, it eventuates the narrative, it begins the story but doesn't actually take us closer to the end -- if that makes sense? Because nothing is said, there is no action and only a little conflict. I think you can remedy this by adding an internal conflict. Make the narrator a little confused, because she seems perfectly comfortable with death. The only feeling we get is the jackhammering heart. Make her unearthly and cold. She is distant, but too distant, as though she can't acknowledge her feelings. I think you need to start the story off here, it is strong enough, only just, because the characters are so full already. But you really must foreshadow the forthcoming drama. The matter of the death itself isn't even touched upon, and in a way I like this, but for most readers it will be an afterthought, it will be a 'Oh, gee, I wonder how she actually died.' It isn't at the forefront where perhaps it should be. I can only speculate as to where this is going, to me it reads a little like the lovely bones, so I assume the denouement comes somewhere around the discovery of the narrators death, her best friend falls in love with the boy, and she can finally pass? I don't know, I really don't, but the story better start soon because character alone isn't enough to carry a novel.
The writing itself is wonderful, full of description, you paint a really clear picture and have a firm grasp on the language. There is no slip in the narrative as far as word use goes, it is all pretty good.
Here is a rare slip. Consider this image. Consider how blood looks, lips can be blood-red, but coated in blood is an expression reserved for zombie thrillers, because blood runs and it isn't true to the image you wanted to evoke.
This for me was undoubtedly the strongest line of the entire piece and really supports what I said about character. Here are two characters who seem unimportant but they get this piece of description -- I would say you introduce too many characters -- but you don't really commit too much of the story to them. What I am trying to say is, the way you introduce these two characters is so subtle, and so natural that they become part of the setting, yet now I know her aunty is pregnant, I know there names and that they are close. In the space of just a few words, so much information is induced, even the fact that your narrator is taking a moment to point this out, it really is a brilliant line.
cliché. But you have been good about avoiding clichés so it doesn't stick out too much.
Why? if you are going to talk about irony, make it clear what is ironic. Also bitter-sweet is a hideous cliché. One last nitpick, there was also a word towards the end, I can't find it now, but you made it up and you are so good with real words that I would urge you to stick to them.
JP
Jas!
I know you said chapter two, but I'm going to start from the beginning. I didn't read all the reviews -though I noticed this has been thoroughly edited, so they seem to be comprehensive enough. With that in mind, I'm going to do things a bit differently and focus more on the story content itself and suggestions towards the content, and you'll get my reactions as a reader as I'm reading along ^^
Nice effective hook. The juxtaposition of starting the story at the "at the end of life" is clever.
Nice description, I felt for whatever reason it stood out from everything else. I'm wondering if you can switch the phrases around for a more clear transition. Something like:
"She didn't look like she belonged here, but rather on the stained glass windows, with her feathery blonde hair and forget-me-not eyes, an angel hiding amonst humans."
I loved this line. Very spooky. The head-tilted thing reminded me of a parrot. Or a puppy. Just so innocent.
So far so good. I felt the descriptive passages weren't too bogged down, which is good. And they do reveal hints of characters here and there. My immediate impressions: Dad's neat, mom's a mess (we can't blame her), and Lucy seems beautiful. And they're all very sad.
This kind of reminds me of Lovely Bones. Not sure if you read it or not, but if you hadn't yet - you'll find it a great read!
Period at the end of this quote, no comma.
Who is Angelina again? *looks up* Oh, yeah, the one she envied. Wait, but is she a cousin? aunt? She was listed among family, *shrugs* Just be careful introducing so many names at once. With Angelina's second mention, you can add how she is related to the MC (just a suggestion) - bits and pieces like that will help situate the reader.
Ok, so what wasn't bogged down at the beginning is now bogged down by descriptions of more friends and more family, and the church.
Hmm... burns are not associated with aching? Burns sting. Stomach burns, I've never experienced, but I would imagine it wouldn't ache, would it?
This part here feels like it needs a bit of revising. It sounds confusing. However, I do like the Atlas imagery. Effective for a first chapter? I would say yes. I do want to know more about how the character died - and who the main character is, was a name mentioned? *looks up* Oh, so Chloe, then. I must've not caught that as I was reading. My suggestion is to accent/emphasize it somehow, the MC's name gets lost in the sea of all the other's names xD
I also want to know the direction this will take. Will it be a story about what lies *beyond* or will it tell the story backwards, going through Chloe's life since she's died. So, for that, I am curious.
Would have liked more action or at least some sort of character revelation. None of us here have experienced our own deaths, I can safely say xD So how would it feel emotionally? What would be going through Chloe's thoughts? I think that is more interesting - rather than a bunch of summaries of the people in the funeral.
Anyways, forwards and onwards. I'll do the next chapter.
~ As always Audy
I was recommended this piece and, quite frankly, I can understand why.
This is great description. Great emotion. You go into the little details in which most people push past so that they can get to what they really want to write about. You, on the other hand, write with precision and an smooth, clean contemporary voice. There was nothing overly melodramatic with her thoughts processes. Nothing that would make me turn away or put the book down. In fact, this is very, very mature.
So you've caught my interest. Props to you on that.
Now, for the critique aspect of this all.
First and foremost, you speak of people quite a lot in this. You drop names which is an interesting way of bringing them in, and you speak about specifics in character which is also good, but there is something rather... too perfect about the entirety of this. Maybe because she likes to describe the people who are achingly beautiful as opposed to the ones in which are not. She skims over the ones that aren't exactly interesting to look at, but definitely interesting to read about. That being said, you need to balance out a couple juxtaposing images here if you want that dynamic effect, such as the young and old like you already did, or beautiful and not so beautiful. Mean or kind. All these things will give us an interesting display of the 'family' she seemed to acquire for herself.
Now, I like the fact that you did not tell us how she died. It opens up for many different things and keeps the reader hooked enough so that they have to continue on. In fact, this almost feels like it should be a prologue as I know it appears to be on the short-side, but it starts and ends so effectually that I would fear adding another section to this or continue on the same basis.
I'm curious. Are you going to jump back a bit? As I have yet to read the next couple chapters, I'm rather curious.
In any case, this is interesting. It reminds me a bit of The Lovely Bones. That being said, hopefully this will take a turn for something a little more original. I'm sure, with a bit more reading, I'll know where this is going, but until then, it feels as if its an idea that has been done before. Of course, I don't suspect that that would be the case.
On a whole, I like this. I like that you're not rushing. I like that you're being clean and taking your time. I specifically like the way in which she sort of takes things in and does not appear to be freaking out or going on about how she wants life again. In all honesty, her peaceful behavior seems to be the most befitting, so I respect you all the more for it. If you can keep a tone like that, I'm sure I will end up enjoying this immensely.
Keep writing and I'll definitely keep reading! (which means if you update, I'll come a-knocking again ;D).
~Walker
Hi! Sorry its taken me so long to get to this but let me see...
That last sentence is a little off. Maybe try something like, '...on the stained glass windows, with the angels.'General Notes
1. Good, dramatic first line. Very nice.
2. Over-doing it just a little with the perfects in that first paragraph. The first round of them is fine but the 'perfectly perfect' is just grating and too much.
3.
4. Too many characters! Choose a few and shadow the others out. At the moment it's all characters and no action and while it's interesting to know she'd in the coffin and dead, I want more from the main character. What are her feelings on this? I'm growing tired of hearing her describe those of her family and friends. Is she calm about the prospect of being dead and yet being some sort of ghost? Or is she afraid? Is she angry with any of these people, is there anything she regrets? I just feel that there needs to be something more here to hook me because I care little for the guests of this funeral since there are just too many to latch on to any specific one and yet the character I might care about is silent on their own thoughts and troubles.
5. It seems strange that her parents would invite someone whose name she can't even remember. Funerals are generally very private, small affairs so I'm thinking there's too many people here who shouldn't be. Far too many, particularly for someone who was so young.
6. Priests and vicars have done this many times before. He would not look about to cry. He would be professional and composed.
A strong ending to finish it off! Okay so I liked this, quite a lot actually, but I did feel there needed to be more inward thoughts thrown in and less characters to try and accomodate. I've added the next part to my reading list, though I probably won't get to it for a little while, but I would like to read on and see where you're going with this. Maybe you should hint about that a bit more here though, give us some idea of why she's still here - does she even know herself? Also, some very beautiful descriptions here and a great attention to detail. Thanks for the read,
Heather xxx
Hi Jas!
I really need to keep on top of my homework. That way I'd have a lot more time and I wouldn't be discovering good works (like this) so late after it's been published XD
Anyway, Things I liked
1. I loved your first sentence. You could say my reaction was like this:
"W-w-wh-what?" he said with a puzzled expression on his face, yet intrigued. He moved closer to the screen to read further.
It's a rubbish sentence I know XD But that's how I felt. What ended? Why is the narrator dead? That's a good thing though, it made me very intrigued and wanting to read more.
2. Viewpoint. Yet again (OK so everyone else who's looking through this review just to see if something doesn't need to be mentioned in yours, I reviewed 1.5 before this), this was such an interesting viewpoint. I love how Chloe is dead, and she's watching her own body and her own funeral. I like how she's carefully looking around - who wouldn't in their own funeral - and the descriptions there.
3. Pace. It was lovely and slow, yet not boring for me. An important event like this should be slow, in my view. you took the time to describe everything and yet it wasn't boring at all. It was perfect in that respect.
4. Research. I can tell you put in A LOT of research. This felt like a real Christian service! (I'm assuming you're not Christian like Mia said) I could tell that you knew what you were talking about. I've never been to a funeral, let alone a Christian one (I'm not Christian) so it was really helpful. I love how there are leaflet things about Chloe's life, how the priest spoke in Latin, the description of the surroundings... it was brilliant.
Finally:
What an AMAZING ending!
Improvements
Again, not that many.
1.
Not everyone would've understood that Chloe is the narrator. Try and make it slightly clearer from that. It took me a few seconds to realise who that was and I read 1.5 before I read this.
2. I was going to agree with Snoink actually about the Father thing. I know I'm not Christian, but I did play runescape once upon a time *blushes* and they had a chapel where one character was called Father something. I've never heard of it being Priest X. I would've thought it was Brother X or Father X or something
3. Whisper also said this, but it would also be nice if there were a few bits of whispered dialogue here and there
This was really really good, Jas! I loved it! I'm off to Chapter two now.
Keep writing!
Mac
Hey, Jas! I'm here to review!
Another thing, Duuuude - you have so many other reviews for this piece I doubt I'll be much of any help! Nonetheless, I'll do my best to provide 'some' help if I can.
First of all, thank you for giving me something to review. I got this message just when I logged in to find something to review and boom! There it is!
First of all, I have a thing for openers and you my darling, this is a good one. I like how it says 'ended' instead of 'started' which would then be sort of overdone but seeing that it's switched is a nice change and provokes curiosity for subject that has 'ended'.
I doubt there is anything great about a funeral. Scrap the 'perfects'.
If that's the sister then I think her mourning should be more powerful and sad. I remember when my grandmother, who practically raised me, passed away and I cried like the world had ended so her reaction to his death here doesn't really appeal to me as if she was close.
You didn't have to list all of them, you know. xD
"People we haven't seen in years" is just fine.
DUN.DUN.DUN!
Overall, I did think this was good but the thing is, it just had too much description to the point where it was draggy and often times confusing. I think you can maybe lessen the description and try to keep it a bit lighter or make the descriptions less repetitive because it is a little repetitive in some areas with the feelings and all of that.
Anyway, that's about all I can really point out. There's nothing else that hasn't already been said that I would say... Good grammar and all, neatly done. Good job and keep at! Sorry for the crappy review but if you need anything less, just ring me another PM!
-Shear
Hi Jas! Just a quick comment over here... from what I understand, this is a Roman Catholic funeral, correct? That is, you have the rosary, the statue of Mary, the Latin, etc. So, it seems very Roman Catholic.
With that said, I didn't look into the funeral mass too hard to see if something was wrong, but I noticed two things that were rather... wrong. First, you had this:
We would call him "Father Sebastian." I don't know of any Christianity branch that would label them as 'Priest" for an official title, in fact. I think other Christian sects may call their leaders "pastors" though. For Roman Catholics though, priests are always known as "Father."
Er... typically, the rosary is said before the funeral mass. And you wouldn't ever do a rosary in a funeral mass when the rosary was not being said by all. That would be very rude. The rosary and the funeral mass are two separate occasions from each other, though they may be combined.
Anyway, just a couple of thoughts about that.
And no offense but... uh... I was kind of bored halfway through. It was just repeating what I would typically see in a Roman Catholic mass, but in her perspective. I don't know. I kept thinking, "Um... now what?"
So yeah!
On to the next chapter, I guess.
Jas! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. School and such.
Anyway, I love this! Like, seriously. I love it. You captured the funeral perfectly. It was sad and bitter, but there was the underlying wit, humour almost, of the dead MC being there watching it.
Overall, this is fabulously well-written. A few nitpicks and things:
You don't really need two 'perfects'.
I love this description, but it's worded a little awkwardly.
should be "drunk's". Also, I don't know that that additional description is even necessary, unless she really is a drunk.
Holy run-on! Also, you spelled "acquaintances" wrong. Just break this up a bit.
run-on.
Also a bit too long.
So, overall, this is great! It just needs a little editing. Make sure to watch those run-ons. I'm thoroughly intrigued. Please post more soon!
-Tori
Hey, Glim here to review! I'm so excited. ^.^
So first off, I really adore your title. So far it fits in perfectly with the piece and makes me hugely interested in continuing the story, just by what it suggests. And all stories begin with a title, so you're off to a great start!
I'll go through this piece by piece. First off, I loved the opening line. Smart and concise, it really pulls the piece together right from the start. I'm always a bit iffy about using "it" to start a sentence, especially at the beginning of a piece. This may be something you want to eventually revise, but honestly I like it the way it is now.
Quick little error:
"Coifed" should be spelled "coiffed." Very minor.
Okay. So for this whole beginning paragraph, I think you use the word "perfect" a LOT. I recommend looking over the whole paragraph and maybe finding the ones that aren't necessary to the meaning and change it to something different and varied and perhaps descriptively better. Also, this:
should use a colon after mother instead of a semicolon.
For the next paragraph, you should probably not start with "There" again, just because repetitiveness tends to disengage the reader. Everything else looks great, but here:
I would use "into."
Oh, and I love this next paragraph! It's fantastic, referencing her to an angel. I liked that a lot, and thought the paragraph added a lot to the piece overall.
So with the next paragraph, we know that you are the dead person at the funeral. Interesting. I liked how it was not explicitly stated. So far you have a strong grasp on "showing not telling," I feel. That's great.
I have a small issue with your next sentence:
I would just remove the "really." It's somewhat redundant and unnecessary to the meaning, and I personally think it would be stronger without it.
All is good until this tiny detail:
Add an apostrophe after the "k."
Next, in the list of people at her funeral, you mention her coach and teammates. I personally am curious about what sport she played. Maybe you're saving it for later, but if not, you could slip in "track" or "volleyball" right before the coach and it would get that taken care of. Just a thought!
I loved this line in particular, because I felt like it really just struck home on an emotional level:
Yeah. Beautiful.
The next section sounds good, and honestly I can give you absolutely no advice on the Christian ceremony part because I'm not religious, but it sounds good and authentic to me!
Ooo, and the next description of her best friends is excellent. I could completely see both Nina and Tyler in my mind's eye, both physically and emotionally. They already feel very real to me. Here is one brief verb tense issue:
I would change "doesn't" to "wouldn't."
So I love the next paragraph, but I would change this next sentence so that you put "suddenly" after the "and." I think it would flow better.
So this:
Becomes this:
I like how you ended the chapter with the church bells donging and her exclamation "I was dead." I think that it wraps the piece together nicely. However, I will say that it is a bit explicit and redundant; though, in the context of the story and voice, I think it could work. I would say read it over a few times to yourself and just see how you really like having it there.
Overall, I am so intrigued by this story: it's fresh, your writing is descriptive and emotional without being overbearingly dense, the plot line and characters are original, and basically I can't wait to read more. I loved how you slipped important details like her age and name into the text without telling the reader directly. Your writing is sophisticated and you obviously have a solid grasp of how good story-telling works. I'm excited to read and review the next installment as soon as I can! You have a great story here and I hope you continue it.
Good luck and Happy Writing!
~Glim
Heya,
I'll be ignoring all the earlier comments, so if there are some redundancies, blame them on my laziness. Also, I just pulled an all-nighter so forgive me any small mistakes. Without further ado, let's jump right in.
I have to say, I was - am - damn impressed. I checked out your portfolio and it seems you write poetry as well, which heavily reflects on your writing style here. Your descriptions were a flowing, moving mass, constantly molding the picture in my head, rolling the idea forward. That's some skill to have. I tend to jam a little too much into sentences to squeeze out the last droplets of meaning, which doesn't look that good in the end result. Here, I found you had a nice balance, even though there was a lot of it.
The opening line really bit, had me hooked instantly. I enjoyed your descriptions about the people present, especially the repeating of 'perfect' in the father's case. Wonderfully written. Here's another thing I think you did outstandingly well in. You introduced many, many characters in such a small time, but I could connect with all of them and it didn't feel like you were just throwing them at me. Strong ending line too, it brings the part a complete circle from the beginning.
Only a couple of grammar mistakes/typos, but I'll clear those up as well.
This part is in present tense while the rest of it is past.
Should be "had dripped". But I think you should find a more powerful and flowing word than 'dripped'; I find it sort of blocky compared to the rest of your work.
Umm. I know you have a lot to tell us, the readers, but you don't have to rush through all of it in one sentence. I like the idea of the 'eighteen year old Atlas', a really clever image, but it's lost in the huge surge of words behind it. Also, even if you keep this form, revise everything after the fourth 'and'; you'll notice it just doesn't make sense. Honestly, though, just cut this up into at least two sentences.
Using 'until' here gives me the idea that she was going to keep grabbing them and grabbing them and grabbing them until the church bells dong. I had to read this sentence twice to get what you actually meant.
As I said before, nice touch on the ending line. Simple is powerful. All in all, a really nice and interesting base for pretty much anything you want to come up with. Great read.
Hope some of this helped,
|Life|
I really liked this chapter. *nods*
-This sounds really condescending. Like really condescending. I'm going to assume this narrator has some reason to be miffed at their father, but even then it makes them seem bitter. Yet it seems to me that you're going to try to extract sympathy from the reader, and having an unlikeable narrator will make that much more difficult.
-"almost" and "like" are basically saying the same thing in the position you have them. Either "almost like a statue" or "statue-like" would be better.
-("wept" instead of "weeped") That's quite the image. Curious, then, that you'd make it your second description. In the place that it is, it feels a bit overdramatic. Is she sitting on the pew as well? The only people I've ever seen that cry like that were insane, and it's not really helping my impression of this. It's so childlike, and yet she's a mother. I get that she's utterly devastated, but the knees-to-body thing plus the hair-pulling thing makes it seem a bit over the top.
-I liked this. A lot.
-The reader doesn't know the narrator's dead yet. Err, they shouldn't. The weight this sentence carries seems understated here, and I think it's because you started it with "and". Or maybe just switch around the parts, see what happens. Or maybe it's perfect the way it is.
-("acquaintances") There are many people at her funeral, and quite a few of them are deeply affected by her death. So I'm assuming she was a very likeable person. But I'm not getting that impression from anything else. (More on this later.)
-Maybe it's just me, but I really don't think the priest should seem so affected, especially if the narrator didn't even know him. It really detracts from the mourning of the other characters because of that.
-("lipstick.")("sadness") This wasn't the first time, but you flitted between tenses here. I didn't catch them all, because they're pretty subtle, but you're going to want to go through this a couple times. Also, I'm not too fond of the last sentence. It just made me go, "Really? You're dead but not, and your biggest concern is a boy?!" Tone it down a little, make it a bit more... objective.
-The cussing felt out of place here. It didn't really give me that feel of desperation, and it certainly didn't contribute to the realization. Really, it just makes her seem immature. And "donged" sounded weird, to say the least.
First off, you're amazing. 'Nuff said.
Second, your narrator. I wasn't all that fond of her. I don't know what it was--maybe some the things she observed or said, or possibly the way she said them--but she got on my nerves a bit.
Third, people are really sad about this. Which annoyed me because she seems slightly unpleasant and they still care so much for her.
In summary--careful with her. Hmm. I think this is one of those things where I can't say what I want to say until I ask someone for help, and they start thinking about it but I already have the answer because for some reason asking a question I can't answer in a manner that expects an answer usually gives me the answer immediately. So if you don't know what I'm talking about above (as in character, not my explanation of myself xD), PM me or something and I'll probably be able to express it better later.
Fourth, you're an amazing writer, and this was an amazing piece. I know I said what I said earlier, but I thought it needed to be said twice. xD
Hey Jasmine! <3
I don't know how much I'd be able to contribute to reviewing since Lauren and Stella have already graced the story with their reviews, but I'll try.
Wow, the beginning was intense. I am myself co-writing a novel with Lily on issues of death and stuff, and I've been reading such kind of work a lot. So, I actually liked your story.
If there are writers I've admired really on YWS then they are you, PinkShearwater and Skinsy! You guys inspire me every time I read a story of yours, which is what makes a good writer. Writing is good in itself, but if your writing evokes a writing dream in someone, and makes them wanna write, then you're an awesome writer.
Well, I always love reading stories on death and loss, so this is exactly what I love reading. I have read a lot of your stuff, but by far, I think it was the best coming from your kitty. Even though you described everything brilliantly, you had so much going on with your words, for me it felt a bit overloading with showing. I mean you were telling things too, not that I deny that, but somewhere down the line I just felt that you could have made this less about telling.
I am actually confusing you, right now, and I know that. So, I'll try to explain my self. I had a feeling that sometimes the whole chapter seemed so heavy to read. I don't particularly object on that since the whole subject was a bit heavy and not something you could take lightly, but I think you should tone down some stuff. And by toning down, I don't ask you to delete anything, but maybe add something light. Like some dialog to show how people were distressed, like some hush whispers she hears? That would actually show their grief. Her describing with her own eyes isn't bad, but I just feel you could show us some responses.
I have seriously confused you, and am so sorry for that.
Anyways, back to the topic, I also think you could show how she encounters some people from her school or locality who are not really interested in attending the services, just came for the sake of it, aren't really attached to her. You know at times like these you have to attend funerals even if you weren't too close to them. You could show that and how the protagonist feels so sad or bitches about the particular person. It's not a critique but just a suggestion.
Also, I found that you were throwing so many people's name here. I don't think the next time a reader would be reading the next chapter, they'll be able to remember all the names you used.
As for the Christian element, I totally felt that I was attending a real service. I know you yourself aren't Christian and it must have been a bit hard, a bit of research work taken when you could have written this out properly. But also on the other hand you live where you'd easily meet more Christians so asking them for the rituals and all is pretty easy. Plus, you always have Internet.
Following on the praise, I'd like you to take care of the religious stuff in the entire novel. This topic, the topic of death is really intriguing and am interested to know what will happen next. Also, in stories like these, there's always a religious connection. So, just brush up your knowledge on that aspect.
I hope this helps, even though I am sure this review is worthless.
I am interested in reading more. If I won't be able to contact you ASAP on the chapter, I'll come by some time later. But please keep on informing me about the progress of the novel.
A big good luck! <3
Hiya Jazzy; I'm here as requested!
Okay, so onto a review...
My overall first-impresssion:
I enjoyed reading this. It was reasonably well-written; your prose was steady and controlled. I do think, however, you were a little over-zealous with some of your adjectives. What I mean is that, in more than one place, you've used describing words without actually thinking them through and asking yourself: 'does that really make sense?' I'll get back to that thought later. Ooh, and, I like your opening sentence. It's really strong, and sets the scene for the rest of the story. Bravo! One thing I do not like is your title, but I suppose that is just personal preference. In my opinion, it's too wordy and twists your tongue a little bit too much. When I'd finished reading this part of the chapter, and I looked back at the the title, I was a little beffudled. It's not strinking, or powerful, compared to your first line. It sounds, to be honest, like the title of a star-trek episode!
Anyway, on with some nitpicks:
I don't like the way this reads. Perhaps think of a more interesting way to put it, like, 'the pew he was rigidly perched upon'.
The word mother is in too close a promximity. It reads a little repetitively. Perhaps alter it to: 'There she was.'
I don't understand - what is this 'hysteric beat'?
I think 'oversized' would sound better.
Why would she 'hide' amongst humans? She'd be in plain, clear sight on a glass window of a church!
The two passages in bold follow on quite nicely; the middle paragraph totally breaks it up. It's as though the middle passage has just been plonked there; it's totally out of place. I'm not saying scrap it - just move it.
This doesn't sound right in this context. 'Midst' isn't the right word here: "'in his' two's" sounds absolutely fine.
There should be a semi-colon between 'them' and 'Emma'.
And...that's it! I really like the concept, and you've executed it pretty well. I'll definately be ready to read more, so PM me if you decide to post the rest of the chapter. Anyway, I hope I've helped, and If you want me to re-read or re-review after any corrections have been made, feel free to leave a comment on my wall or PM me!
Until the next time
~ Amelia
Hey Jas, here as requested! I'm in a very review-y mood so I basically rushed over to do this xD
I. NITPICKS
Not a nitpick, just, omg, what a brilliant opening line.
As much as I like these two images, I don't see how they can merge together at all. It's like trying to get an elephant to merge into a panda. They're both great, but you're going to be able to see very clearly where one starts and one begins, just like shock and emptiness in someone's eyes.
With starting each paragraph with "There was" I think the opposite line would do better if placed after "There was my mother"... I don't know, it just works better in my mind...
Again, oh my gosh. Brilliant. So brilliant.
claustrophobic.
Respect Barbie. Capital B.
drunk's
This makes her sound so cocky- like, "Because I had SO MANY FRIENDS." I mean, maybe she does and maybe she is cocky. But I'm not sure that's what you mean especially since you can't remember one of the names...
Full stop at the end.
II. OVERALL
I adored this! Seriously. Just my sort of story. I'm really looking forward to reading more of it. I like how you're doing this, how you're throwing people off with the "And there I was"- although doing it there removes the impact of the last "I was dead" but I don't think you can mention this fact much later, you do need to get it out in the open.
The one issue I do have is that there are just so many characters here. I love the idea of watching your own funeral, but we have cousins and friends and just too many names going on here. It's alright, and it reads just fine, but I'm concerned that if we're supposed to remember all these people we're just... not going to. I don't know if I wan't you to change that or not, as I say, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. But by the end I'm just lost in a sea of characters.
Also, since she's at her own funeral and they all have pamphlets I feel this is the perfect time for you to fill us in on what I like to call "the factfile". Her name, age etc. Maybe even how she died- but I'm assuming you'll come to that.
Overall though, I really enjoyed it and I hope you'll keep me posted on new parts!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey jasmine! Here for a review!
First, my only nitpick:
This sentence just didn't sound ring to me. I think it's mostly the bit I have in bold is where the problem is. There's a word or two that's the wrong tense or form or something. Yeah that wasn't very helpful xD
Overall, I really enjoyed this. The imagery was stellar, and I was able to visualize it really well. My only issue was I kept finding myself thinking what's the point?. Through all of the description and imagery there was never a clear mention of why this all was happening. What's the significance of her death? As a first chapter, there ought to be something to set the plot rolling, a clear why that will drive the action of the story into the next chapter. This, as it is, sounds more like a prologue (though I suspect the events of the next chapter will occur directly after this, so I don't suggest simply renaming this prologue rather than chapter one). Try working in some notion of what happened before, what's going on with the MC (in her life/death, in her thoughts, etc), and what sort of conflict might begin to drive the story forward.
Other than that, lovely job! The prose itself is good, doesn't have a lot of grammatical errors or anything, and pleasant and engaging to read.
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Alright, so, that was a good start, and I'm interested to see where you're going to go with it.
To me, tough, it felt kind of short, and there was only detail. It seemed too detail and description heavy, even though you did it beautifully.
My advice would be to break it up, maybe add some whispered dialouge, between friends or family. That way you don't weight down the reader with too much description at one time.
I like your idea, though, with the dead person narrating. I'm excited to see the background, and what happened, or wherever you decide to go.
~WickedWonder