Published February 17, 2010
Prologue
The Prophecy
"Yes mother." Zina said as she came to her mother's call. "What do you need?"
"Listen very close. Go to Queen Izlans. Go and do her bidding. Go my child." The last words faded away as a giant roar came from the street below. Zina hesitated untol her mother pointed towards the door.
She hurried through the door and realized she may never see mother again. She turned back but a woman lying in the alley startled her. She was speaking, but nobody was there. Zina took a few steps closer and could barely hear her words.
"The time is near. The Master of Evil will soon be released into the world again. His cell in Baggha is weakening. He will be loose once again. The Chosen One will take his first breaths by the mountains of Belguim. He will not know his importance yet but he will very soon know. He will take his army to De'ad and take the city. In Te'are he will slay a ruthless king's dragon. He will then come here,to the elves. He will take down the Citidel. But his greatest challenge comes from the ones he loves. He will end the world, but save it at the same time.
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140,846 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alrightly...well first things first, this one doesn't really read like much of a prologue here. Not to say it doesn't work per see as a prologue, it kind of actually does but with the sort of tone you're striking here and the way scene is constructed and the way it ends, this seems like a much better candidate to be a first chapter as opposed to something like a prologue.
The way you've built things up also leave so much more room to make this chapter that much more impactful and that's another reason why I think this'd do much better in a first chapter because you really can make this scene shine so much more that way and then really sell this story to your readers. The emotional component especially of the first bit with the mother could be done in a far more impactful manner I think and that way you could end up with a much stronger start to things.
So overall, this is an intriguing piece, there are plenty of things going on, and all very interesting things, but things are far more squashed than they perhaps should be and this could really benefit from being fleshed out properly here. It'd make what is already a pretty good piece quite a lot better.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Jarred!
I think it would be better for you to just get rid of the prologue and let us dive into the juicier parts of the book. After all, the end is the end for the reason. Let's get there when we get there. Otherwise, you might as well start at the end and just keep going!
This is interesting, I liked the dialogue, which is often not easy to write. But there's no setting or anything to give the reader a picture in his/her mind of what is going on. Even a few sentences to let us know Zina's in a house, a busy city, an abandoned alleyway, or wherever this takes place.
Also, it seems like most people wouldn't take an odd command from their mother unquestioningly and walk out the the door without any comment, question, or good-bye. Why does she do it?
Just curious. Keep up the good work.
I definitely think this is interesting. You have something here. I can't wait to read the rest.
Well, I don't want to give away the coming chapters, but the prologue was to introduce the reader to something towards the end of book 1. I would have posted all the chapters(13 i think) but I can only post 2 things in two days. They all should be up in about a month. Meanwhile I'm still writing the last chapter. But, please do not get mad at the prologue or me. I meant it to be short.
Thanks,
J. E. S. U. S.
Thank you all for your help. As I said everything here I wrote about a year ago and now my writing is more matured. J. E. S. U. S.
Well hey there! I was surprised to get your PM, but since you wanted a review, here I am.
The basic errors Lydia already went over, so I'm not gonna. I'll focus on the writing itself...
First, the prologue was too short I thought. It wasn't really worth making it into a prologue, since you could've just put it as a small part of chapter 1 and then reset it to where you wanted it next.
Point two, as Lydia said, there was a lack of characterization in this. You see the names, but you focused so much on the dialogue part that readers won't really feel like there is a character at all. Maybe just add on a bit for that.
Other than that, I thought it had a good intrigue. I did like the other dragon story, so if it's in the same category, I'm sure I'll like it. So, overall good.
I'll go read chapter 1 later...
Hello Jarred, I am reviewing this in response to your email.
Firstly let me just say Welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy yourself. Now then onto the review. I will give my general comments at the end, but first a couple of nit-picks.
I think that here 'close' should be 'closely'
until
This dosen't seem to sound right, though this may just be me, I think that it would sound and read better if you put: yet very soon, he will know.
Ok thats all the nit-picks that I could pick out.
Now then, overall I liked this prologue it did what a prologue is supposed to do and drew me into the story. I have to say that it would be better with a little more explaining with regards to your MC. I didn't really feel any empathy for your character because I didn't know them very well. My guess would be that you will resolve that in your first chapter. Just remeber that there is plenty of time to explain everything about your world and you don't have to launch us straight into the action. Some mundane stuff can be helpful to allow the reader to know the characters better.
However I liked this, I am intrigued to know that will happen. This kind of made me think of a cross between Eragon and HP just because of the mention of Dragons and the woman who I assume was making a prophecy.
I will go and read Chapter 1 now. Well Done!
Keep Writing
~Lydia