When the sun to the moon say goodbye,
brighten the dark blue sky,
waking up the green leaf grass,
and light trasspassing the water like glass.
The trees dance, the birds sing,
the season starts with spring,
flowers gleaming and glowing,
all the roses beautiful growing.
The day comes to an end,
the sky and clouds start to blend,
the moon starts giving light,
to the dark gloomy night.
by Jared Gines
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139,820 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hello! I am here to review your poem.
And yours is a very nice poem. Your use of rhyme is pretty good, it sounds pretty well and musical. Definitely would stir up a feeling or two inside a reader. It did in me.
Though I would like to point out that you did not use the third person of the verbs "say" and "brighten". Saying "says" and "brightens" would not in any way take away from the structure or rhyming of the poem, and would only add to grammatical correctness and accuracy.
You also had an amazing opportunity to make this a shaped poem. You could have made each verse longer and wider than the previous, and spaced them so that it made the entire poem look like a ray (or rays) of light.
I hope this review helps you with your future works!
I was intrigued when I first saw this because while I like writing novels/chapters, I have a soft spot for poems. Especially ones that have detail and imagery. I like your style; however, I wished this was longer. Maybe by slowly dragging out the morning, afternoon and evening. Giving specific details about all three to really make you see it in your head. Nevertheless what you did write was short and sweet and I really liked it.
Continue writing, you have a knack for it.
xoxo
GossipGirl
Hey Jared,
This is a wonderful piece, jam-packed with imagery and graceful diction. The rhyme scheme is free-feeling and doesn't feel forced at all, a very hard level to achieve. Kudos to you!
My favorite part is "The day comes to an end,/the sky and clouds start to blend,". This is such a unique way of seeing the sunset that I could feel a little shiver travel down my back. This part, like the rest of the poem, feels mysterious and alluring, a mood that you accomplished well.
In your first two lines the subject/verb agreement seems a little mixed up. I feel like it would flow smoother if you changed it to "When the sun to the moon says goodbye/brightens up the dark blue sky," because otherwise it feels like two or more suns are speaking. Also, "trasspassing" probably just a typo, should be "trespassing." But if you meant for the word to feel like the words "glass" and "grass" I can see why you would do it the other way.
Overall, this poem has a very professional, polished tone to it. You did well with it. Keep being awesome.
~Joy
woah! i extremely love this poem! it's similar with "Tree" by Joyce Kilmer. can you teach me how to create a novel?
AngelaMallari~~