How does the Sun shine when I only see darkness?
How is there laughter in the air when tears run down my cheeks?
Where is the light, the hopefulness, when I needed it most?
How do you retrieve that happiness that you lost?
------------------------------o-----------------------------
How can I survive when I hear the words in my head,
“I’m sorry for your loss”, “He is in a better place”,
Why did you abandon me? Why?
Why did you leave me here, alone, in a selfish, hateful society?
------------------------------o------------------------------
I need to see your smile one last time,
To hear your laugh one last time,
To see your eyes sparkle with happiness one last time.
To see you cry one last time
------------------------------o------------------------------
My twin, my reflection, my sibling,
I see you laughing in the bright, heavenly sky.
Teach me how to say goodbye,
And I promise you, one day I will be with you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,820 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey JaredGines, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:It's simple, and you get your point across very easily. I understand completely the dilemma that this person is facing, and how terrible it would be to suffer such a loss.
The nature of your poem is nothing spectacular, but it's clean and flows well, with the standard 4x4 formatting giving it that classic feel about it.
Negatives:I get why people would write something like this, as it's an extension of their feeling and their emotions, and sometimes paper is the best friend as it never talks back or tells you you're wrong.
What I don't get, and I'm being honest here, is why anyone would expect me to read this? That doesn't just go for this piece, but for so many others as well. You see, when I read, I'm being 100% selfish with my time. I'm not reading to support you, I'm reading because I want something to pander to me, to teach me. Here, though, I get neither, because I don't see anything that I'm supposed to learn, other than perhaps to never love anyone because they might die.
It's good food for thought, but remember that building and writing for your reader is most important.
I give it:
First I will say that the poem had a strong emotional message and it almost seems as if it is a personal eulogy directed at someone whom you have specifically lost in life. That makes it all the more personal. Now, I am not much of a poet, but there are a few obvious things that are wrong with the poem.
First off, there does not seem to be a clear formula. It seems as if in each stanza you are resorting to a different style of poetry, and it is distracting...very distracting. You start the poem using a rather eloquent style, almost balladic, and then it seems to degenerate into something that is not even poetry by the second stanza, but simply rhythmic rants of rage. By the final stanza, the poem feels completely different, and it seems to utilize a melodic, but choppy (not necessarily a bad style) sound. To that end, I recommend that you remain stylistically consistent.
Next, I say that you cut the entire last stanza. The penultimate one works well as an ending already and it seems dragged out. However, that is not to say that the final stanza is bad. In fact, it is quite good, but it has enough content to actually be a short poem on its own. I recommend that you consider publishing it separately.
There are no grammatical issues from what I can tell, and the poem is otherwise well-written. I would listen to Celkin's advice though: less is more. If you try to be too eloquent you come across as pretentious, and you don't want that. It is a good start (better than I could have done), but that does not mean that it does not need work. You have something going here. Keep working at it!
- Holden
Before any commentary writing-wise, the topic is very heavy and I think you expressed it beautifully. The only commentary I have to offer writing-wise is to keep one structure throughout, rather than jumping from choppy to lyrical and back again. Additionally, in the stanza where you write "why...? WHY?!," I would recommend keeping it lowercase to demonstrate sadness. Less is more in poetry, and I feel that lowercase really emphasizes the point more than the other way around. Overall, this was an incredibly touching and sad read, but beautifully written. Thank you!