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A Tribute (And A Lamenting)

by Jared


As this is my first work in some time, I expect quite a bit of healthy criticism to be heaped on my plate. This work is in tribute of Howl, by Allen Ginsberg. Howl was written in a captivating but oddly formatted way, and is considered one of the greatest poems of the 20th century. Updated and tweaked for more current issues (and some ones that are in the past, but still relevant), I hope this poem delivers on a similar level. If you have never read Howl, I would strongly suggest you do. Or at least read part of it before reading this. This poem is separated into numerical parts. I could never truly capture the whole of current issues in three parts, but I did highlight three issues I felt were important to me. 

1

broken and bent

lost echoes of the classroom

submerged in red water on the horizon

hearts broken and minds wavered

the shots finalized and humanity cried

when children died

2

cries heard in the city

lights blazing, sirens wailing

in the streets, on the balconies

from the highest of heights

the mighty fell

lives lost, a new war waged

3

Hatred's despised caress

eternally terrible

a long-time enemy

lost, but found

the lingering remnants of the past brought forth

the cries in the streets

dragging and clawing at the temples

never thought to still exist

and it drags itself from a lie to embrace the truth

the worst of America still exists

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212 Reviews


Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

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Sun Jul 06, 2014 12:04 pm
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!

Alright. I didn't find any spelling errors, so let's move on, shall we?

the lingering remnants of the past brought forth
You already have 'the' at the beginning of the sentence. Why don't you change the second 'the' to 'a'? Just a suggestion :)

It would also be nice if you added an extra space between the last line and the second-to-last line :)

Hatred's despised caress
Instead of despised, you should consider changing it to 'sweet' or 'enchanting'. It a lot easier to hate someone than love them.

hearts broken and minds wavered
'wavered' just sounds odd. Maybe manipulated?

That's all. I like the theme of the poem and the way you build the mood.
Keep writing, love.
Aurora




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200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

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Sat Jul 05, 2014 6:01 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

I like the way you introduced the inspiration behind the poem at the beginning. I'm not familiar with the work but I think this helps because I'm not comparing your work with it.

So the first thing I noticed about this work was that the use of capital letters was all over the place, but I assume that was deliberate? XD I dunnoes.

the worst of America still exists


I didn't like the ending. It was bleak, bitter and didn't really explain itself. It just... ended.
I get the build up throughout the poem and that makes sense, but that's all kinda wasted when you get to the end. You've had some really beautiful description to get to it and I just found the ending you chose a bit of an easy way out.

This is some of the beautiful language (I think)
:
the lingering remnants of the past brought forth


Keep writing.





The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec