Young Writers Society

Hi there, I do myself write poetry – though I haven’t done for a while yet. But I hope this review proves useful.

The structure is unusual though it looks to me that you have done it this way intentionally. There are some grammar issues that I have noticed. Anything that I have done that you can improve on is highlighted in red. Here is how I would do it:

To Contend with the Devil

There's a growing violence
#BF0000 ">That gnaws and bites feeble flesh,
#BF0000 ">Tearing bone and soul#BF0000 ">.
*
#BF0000 ">Feeding on the flesh of the innocent,
#BF0000 ">A fleeting violence that cannot be sated,
#BF0000 ">Life's wandering journey has done me no good#BF0000 ">.
*
I battle and I push,
#BF0000 ">Night's soft song withers away,
#BF0000 ">The scars of battle truly never fade,
#BF0000 ">Violence is the only answer,
#BF0000 ">The stones have truly been thrown#BF0000 ">.

feeding on the flesh of the innocent,
a fleeting violence that cannot be sated,
life's wandering journey has done me no good,

feeding on the flesh of the innocent,
a fleeting violence that cannot be sated,
life's wandering journey #BF0000 "> is doing me no good,

Jared! I'm only too happy to hop on over here and give you a review in return for all your hard work with us on review day. I haven't posted anything recently, so I don't need a review in return, but just as long as you keep writing, I think that'll be good enough for me. ;D

So, I know you're eager to improve and because of that I wanna get right to my thoughts:

biggest thought: it's too vague!

There are really only a certain number of topics to write about in the world. Violence and resistance are two of those topics, and there are plenty of people who have tackled the topic before. When you think about this, you also get to thinking that there are only a certain number of words in a certain number of combinations that you can find and write, and basically the best course of action to write a fresh poem is to try to avoid those combinations that you've heard before. Even more important than avoiding cliches in prose is avoiding tired-sounding over-used phrases in poetry! So phrases like (just from the last stanza) "never fade", "is the only answer", "withers away", "scars of battle"... they're pulling your poem down!

So, if you're looking to try again with the same theme, here are some things you might consider doing, might consider trying to describe.

what does it feel like to bite flesh?
what does it smell like to have flesh bitten?
what is the quality of the light in the place where the flesh is being bitten?

where is the end of life's wandering journey?
what is the time of year during life's wandering journey?
what does life's wandering journey taste like?

who makes the scars of battle?
what are the steps to making battle scars?
what is the question and who asks the question to which violence is the answer?
where can i find the stones? what do the stones look like? what color, texture, flavor are they?

Get as specific as you can in these answers -- bend your mind in new ways and see what unique pathways you can find to describe the topic you want to communicate while avoiding coming at it from worn roads!

PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions about this review. I hope it's helpful to you!

Good luck and keep writing~

Hannah

Yo, Jared. Let's jam.

For a first attempt at poetry, this is leagues beyond what normally gets posted here as a First Try. That said, there's tons of space for this to grow, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I don't typically care about grammar in poetry, but the commas at the end of your lines are annoying and rudimentary. It hasn't been tradition to have each line end with a comma since the nineties. Your images are apt for the general concept of contending with the devil; I can relate most of them to the sort of violent imagery in ancient texts or general texts about Satan and Hell and whatever. It's what you get when you dive into religious themes head-on.

My first practice for you is eliminating words that slow you down and bog down the flow of your poetry. For example, stanza one reads much smoother if you make simple changes:

There's a growing violence
that gnaws and bites feeble flesh,
tearing bone and soul

Hi there!

For a first poem, this is pretty good! I'll take an in depth look at it, as you request in your introduction.

First of all, I suggest that you don't put "(My First Poem)" in the title, unless you want that to actually be part of the title. It's not as catchy with that as it is without it.

In order to single space your poem (it is a good idea to single space most poems, this one included) on this site, you must hold shift when you press enter to go to a new line. If you want a stanza break, simply stop holding shift.

Usually in people's early attempts at poetry, I have to stress the idea of imagery. You seem to know about it already, though, so I'll focus on the type of imagery. You have a lot of big, dramatic images, like eating flesh, battle scars, and fiery hell. That's all right, but sometimes it can subconsciously alienate the reader, as we don't think about these things on a daily basis. I suggest you focus on imagery that is closer to the reader-- images that appear in every day life. I'm not saying you have to do away with your imagery completely, but find some details that the reader is going to be more familiar with, if that makes sense. I've never really seen battle scars, but I know what rough tree bark looks like. A battle scar like rough tree bark helps me see the image you're trying to convey by giving me something I'm familiar with to compare it to. I guess what I'm saying is to compare what you've got going on to more concrete images so that the reader can really be with the narrator in the poem.

You began this poem without a rhyme scheme, and while it's a perfectly valid choice to change into a rhyme scheme somewhere in the course of the poem, I don't think it quite works here. It was a bit distracting to me. My advice is to either make the whole thing rhyme, or not to make it rhyme at all.

On the importance of last lines:
the last line is what the reader sees last, the one that really gives you an idea of what the poem is about. I don't think that your last line properly sums up the poem. Here are some examples of really great last lines on YWS: Relief by Moo, and "Perfect" Chemistry by fortis.

Not all lines need punctuation at the end. While styles of poetry do differ, I think that it would be a good choice to punctuate the sentences as you would punctuate prose.

Make sure that you're connecting your stanzas. There is quite a jump between stanzas three and four in particular. It felt disconnected and strange.

Another thing to look out for is the meaning of the poem. Honestly, I'm not quite sure what it's about. Obviously, it's about the narrator's relationship with the devil, but what is their relationship? It's hard to decipher. Make sure you're making your thoughts clear to the reader.

Try not to use the same word twice in one poem, especially one as short as this. There is a lot of "flesh," "violence," "soul," "fire" type images, and "soft." Use varied vocabulary to make the language dynamic.

Altogether, you did pretty well for your first poem. I would be ashamed of my first poem, but you should be happy that this is your first one. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!