True Love
True love at first sight,
How I dream about it every night.
To be held by you,
Is a dream come true.
Looking into your eyes,
Time really does fly.
My breath comes out in sighs,
As I lift you to the skies.
I wrap my hands around your waist,
Eager to feel your embrace.
Your hand grips on to my hair,
Just like you really care.
You pull me towards you,
I really adore you.
I whisper I Love You,
You look into my eyes and say I know.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I like two the best!
Keep up the good work,
~FW~
How does that have to do with 'really caring'?
Nice poem, but I think that you use, maybe, too many descriptive words and not enough emotion... Pretty good though!
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hello there.
Rudely speaking, the title (including the topic) is cliché. >.< I think you could've come up with a better title for this.
Nitpicks:
- I don't think there should be a comma after 'you'.
- The comma after 'sighs' isn't necessary, I think.
- 'You pull me towards you' can stand alone and isn't really that connected to 'I really adore you' so I think, you should end it with a period.
- Put a comma after 'whisper', then put the 'I Love You' in quotation marks.
- Put a comma after 'say', then put the 'I know' in quotation marks.
I think this poem is up and down for me. The simplicity of the wording seems a little too much, but then it also helps the reader connect with the poem. The structure is nice though.
Never stop writing!
This poem made me smile! :3 I reeeaaalllyy liked it. The very last bit with the
kinda threw off the rhyme scheme a little. But, it did make me smile bigger. Overall, really good. :3Hey there, jalmoc! Here to do a review for you today. :3
So, the sentiment and obvious emotion behind this poem is nice. However, a lot of work needs to be done in order to fully portray and expand on this emotion. Right now, the reader sees a love poem from one abstract person without a character to another abstract person without a character. We have no means of real relation, we have nothing to really pull us in. Make us fall in love too; make us what want you have or what you feel and we'll really fall in love with both the one you're writing to, as well as the piece itself.
Now, rhyming scheme: it is obviously entirely up to you if you want to use a rhyming scheme. However, if you do, I would strongly suggest on making the structure a bit more natural sounding. Obviously, the syllables should match up for uniformity's sake, but don't switch around your clauses to match the sounds because then it all dissolves into awkward words to stumble over.
This is especially so in the last four lines, where you repeat a couple of words rather than rhyming them, and then drop the scheme altogether. I don't know if this was supposed to provide emphasis or something, but... to be frank, it really doesn't work. Your rhyme scheme dominates the rest of the piece, and so the sudden absence is jarring to say the least.
The next thing I'd suggest is punctuation, which would greatly aid in the development of the flow.
My next point will be brief. If you look at this poem, it's quite easy to see the mass of "I"s and "You"s. Try toning it down. Don't relate it so much with the two of you but expand it out. Try to "show" rather than "telling" and I think that it will get you much further in your writing.
If you have any questions or want to discuss poetry with me sometimes, feel free to shoot me a message and I'd be happy to oblige.
*gasp1!!!11* savvy, I know just how you feel. I almost started crying, too.OH this was sweet!!! Why, oh, why can't I like something more than once? Oh, well, I'll just have to settle for once. Just a couple critiques;
This rhyme seemed just a weeny bit forced. I would say it's cliche, but the whole thing is cliche (in a good way, I like clicheness).
Not quite sure what you mean by this. Are you lifting her up literally? Just a little unclear.
I think that the sudden change in rhythm at the last line was really effective. Don't change that, whatever you do! It was a perfect way to end this poem.
Again, I really, really liked this. I tried adding a little extra "liking" bye pushing the star with a little more force than I normally would, but I guess it didn't work. It only liked once. this was just so fantastic, though!
Why? Why am I crying? WHY? Sheesh! I don't even like romance! GRRR.....
I love your poem! It is very, very good!
Keep writing,
~FW~