We are an act,
Still to come…
Need a little molding and sense of direction…
A little love and a little attraction towards knowing the correction…
Busy on a busy day,
Annoyed by a bunch of boorish men,
Who have no idea as to what they seek and what they know,
Is when she became a guide,
A little beam of light that we were all looking for,
Blossoming us every day,
No time to spare for a walk by the bay,
She sweats and sweats,
Her dripping sweat is the testimony to her work,
Yet she feels undone….
Fluttering away,
Away from the herd,
Bring me back,
For my life has dwindled,
For I have been blinded by the unrealistic pleasures,
Absorbed into anarchy,
Yet to overcome…
She will help me usher, for she is the spirit of the dragon on the moon,
Bleeding light,
Showing right….she is nobody ,
But every teacher in this room.
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140,223 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hellooo, Jaimi! I'm so sorry for the delay, but I'm here to review now!
That's quite a title you've got there. Latin? Google translates it to, "Deep light, light embrace." Interesting, though. Anywhoo, moving on to the poem! Lemme just cover the technicalities first...
You don't really need that comma there, between "act" and "still," since it doesn't let the verse flow as easily as it could. I like the ideas you've presented here, though, because it makes me think of the world as a theatre, except that there are two sides to it, and there are people behind the curtain as well -- back-stage -- waiting for their turn to clamber onto the stage, into the limelight, act out their parts and thus lead their lives. It makes me think of that before-the-show period, when frustration and apprehension are at their very peaks. I'm not fond of the use of ellipses in poetry, since it gives an overall sluggish feel. This might just be personal taste, though, and I think it's perfectly fine to use them. Also, even though it's early on in the poem, I feel like the second stanza could be elaborated a little more, just to give the beginning a spark of it's own, yeah? You could incorporate some really visual imagery here, I'm thinking. Like curtains, scarlet threads that drop onto the stage; the wings of a butterfly. Lovely, stage-y imagery. I'm a sucker for imagery, and it's always a good point to start with, no? It completely depends on you, though. I'm just here to make suggestions and be an annoying reviewer!
This bit was rather confusing for me, because while I understood the gist of what you were trying to tell us, it was rather vague. I understand that love and kindness is essential towards finding your way, but where does the attraction comes in? Are you talking about the life that some teachers manage to breathe into their classes? I'd suggest clarifying this bit, just so it makes more sense.
All right, so I've noticed that one thing is recurrent in your poem, and that's the fact that your poem lacks the "show; don't tell," element. I really like the ideas you've got rolling here, and especially the fact that the title connected to the poem, since you've showed us both sides of the picture. You've showed us how the teacher's knowledge permeates souls and yet, it's gentle. I love it! I do think you could be clearer with what you mean to say, but maybe that's just me.
I hope this helped. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions~
Keep writing! Keep it up!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hi Jaimini, Shauzer here reviewing. This was a nice poem, it was a good idea and well executed. As the previous reviewer said, you don't see many poems about teachers and kudos on thinking about it, so obvious. Anyway, down to the reviewing.
Or maybe I just don't get them. This one baffled me. 'Annoyed by a bunch of boorish men,' What? What does this mean, where did it come out of? maybe my mind just isn't poetically adjusted enough, but who are these men??? Also, 'A little love and a little attraction towards knowing the correction...' This is too long, and unless something this long isn't great it can't be left like that. It doesn't read as well as the rest. It's the elephant in the room. Or - once again - maybe I just don't get it. What correction? Are you talking about how a teacher corrects papers? If so, what do you mean 'a little attraction towards knowing the correction'? I'm sorry, I just didn't understand this line and would recommend you to go back and look over it. I liked how you didn't use any full stops unless they were in a set of three, it added to the uniqueness of the poem. Also, I'm not sure how I feel about you changing from 3rd person to 1st person in the 9th last line. it was either stupid or cool.
I liked the way you worded this for the most part, but in some smal sections it seemed off. The flow was tampered with by the malevolence of a few bad lines
I liked the way you changed from adult to child, and I liked the way you compared to the spirit of the dragon on the moon, bleeding light. Are you trying to say she is bestowing knowledge down upon us like the moon bestows light? If so, well done, I liked it very much.
Apart from these small mistakes and misunderstandings, I think you did very well. I liked the overall flow, I liked the idea and it WAS executed well. Kudos.
Keep writing.
Yours in ink,
TS
I am stunned by this poem - you've done a marvelous job here.
First off, the message of your poem is unique - I don't find too many poems about teachers, or for that matter, the appreciation of teachers.
Second, I liked the way you opened up the poem with what feels to be a child narrator, and later transitioning into a more bleak perspective from a now-adult narrator. It seems that by losing his mentor, the narrator has become "absorbed into anarchy" and in consequence, his "life has dwindled."
Finally, thank you for sharing this. It is unfortunate to say that I haven't had a good teacher in a long time but I do remember the enlightenment that came with one.
Keep on keeping on. x