z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Mature Content

The changing idea of happiness.

by Jaimini


Home is when us stars are closely embedded next to each other. There is a happy vibe in the circle. But in time the definition of happiness changes. Until now, happiness was just an idea to sit around together, content in each other’s company. Laughing and flowing with the flow. All of a sudden, the individual bar has risen. Now, happiness also includes realization of a sense of achievement. A sense of achievement that is necessary to be an integral part of our nature, without the presence of it, we must feel dull. We must feel really unchanging and monotonous because the idea of ‘achievement’ has been suppressed for too long.

Suppression is a choice. You must realize it. Some unknowingly suppress their will because they never think of the consequences of their actions and some knowingly because they don’t find enough courage to act on their will. The seasons have changed plenty of times as of now, but, the activities continue to be highly unproductive..

Prolonged suppression blossoms into self-oppression. It is not that your insides have not made you feel rejuvenated during this time, it is just the plain fact that you let these moments go by. Tethering your will by the ‘let- go’ post.

Letting go is a wise thing, but, as the law of nature state’s, ‘anything in excess turns life pale’. You think that you can handle‘ excess’, though, in excess , it pulverizes you, turns you into dust. You have practiced the art of being stagnant for so long that now, it has turned into a habit. And a habit that hampers your progress in time is termed as bad habit. And habits are hard to break.

Sometimes you hit the wall of realization too late. You have sunk in too deep with your issues, but, it’s never too late to act on your thoughts. It’s all about a moment, a moment can change everything. A moment can plant seeds of happiness as well as misery. Your time stretch is a composition of innumerable moments. And all of these moments have a stamp of the decisions that you made. Decisions of glory and decisions of regret..All you have to do is stand and disassociate yourself with your regular practice and tend towards the right thing, and the right thing is to undo the wrong done by your will and play a completely new act, an act advancing towards the realization of a sense of achievement….and the moment you start with this new act is the moment you have achieved something substantial i.e. breaking the bad habits and thus, paving your way to being happy again

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Sun Mar 30, 2014 2:43 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey!! Silver here to review your essay!! :)

This is a good essay. You're good at arguing your points. You also write really well. Some of my thoughts though are:

Home is when us stars are closely embedded next to each other.


This was the first thing that I read and the first thing that I had a problem with. It's a nice sentence, the imagery that you capture is great but as you say in the next couple of sentences "the definition of happiness changes". So I come to my points:
1) The essay is about happiness but the first thing you mention is home, it feels slightly disconnected.

2)If you're trying to say home is happiness then what about homeless, people, orphans and dysfunctional or abusive families?

3)Also one would think that there is more to happiness then just a home? I know that you might mention some later but remember that this is your opening statement which is your reader's first impression.

Until now, happiness was just an idea to sit around together, content in each other’s company. Laughing and flowing with the flow.


Really? Was it? How about starting a family, getting a good job with a good pay or having good friends?

Now, happiness also includes realization of a sense of achievement.


Really? What about mothers who want to raise their children the best they can? How about fathers who want to make sure their family is fed and roofed? How about from the beginning of time, people who felt that they must "move up" in society? A sense of achievement has always been part of our definition of happiness.

Tethering


Great word! You seem to have a great vocabulary and a great way of expressing your thoughts in words. You frequently use metaphors like: the wall of realization which creates imagery for the reader and makes your essay a more interesting read.

Also I noticed that most of your essay talked about suppression. You seem to assume that everyone "suppresses". You shouldn't generalise so much.

Your grammar is pretty down pat except for a couple of nitpicks:

times as of now, but,


1) You don't need the comma after the "but"

2) I feel that you don't need to put the words: "as of now"

I also noticed your excessive use of bold words. Try to avoid this at all costs. Bold is not a persuasive technique, If you want something to stand out then you need to do so with your words alone. What if you had to hand write your essay? What are you going to do, underline it? Believe me your words already stand out without it. As I mentioned before, you have a way with words and making them sound good. Don't rely on bold when you have great technique.

Some final comments. I didn't feel that this was really an essay about the changing ideas of happiness, rather one about "suppression" and "letting go". Mentioning them is a good thing but I felt that it took over your essay. Some interesting things you could have mentioned could have been and how their sense of happiness has changes. Eg: A hundred years ago they were happy to be seen as decent and well behaved, now many are happy to be seen as hot and where exposing clothes. That's just my opinion though :)

I hope I've helped. I've targeted mainly content because I want to help you get your arguments as good as possible. It's a good essay though and I hope that you keep writing more. Happy writing.




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Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:52 am
liesgirl wrote a review...



This is an interesting article, though it's relation to the title and first paragraph is rather tenuous. You may want to add more to the first paragraph along the lines of the last sentence. If you are focusing on suppression in the article, make it more obvious in the first paragraph.

You say "when us stars..." it should be "when we stars..." You also forgot the last period of the piece.
The second paragraph's second sentence, "Some unknowingly suppress their will because they never think of the consequences of their actions and some knowingly because they don’t find enough courage to act on their will." could be split into two, between the two ways of suppressing will. As it is, it seems like a run-on sentence. AT the very least, use a semicolon.
"Until now, happiness was just an idea to sit around together, content in each other’s company." That sentence is rather confusing. We don't know if the idea is somehow sitting around, or if we are sitting around, so have happiness. One way to fix this would be to add a colon or semicolon, depending on how you want to tweak the sentence.

Many of your words are in bold. I understand that this is to add emphasis to them, but you should leave that to the reader. If you want to make a word more important make the words surrounding it lead up to that point. If it is a whole sentence or paragraph use stronger language to drive an idea home. If you have to bold words your reader will read jump to them and maybe skip others that, while maybe not as important, need to be read. Bold words will make a temporary impact, but strong language will really drive an idea home.




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Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:10 pm
Jaimini says...







"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green