Published November 22, 2007
Chapter One. Edited 27 November 2007
Rain beat against the glass, streamed down, and formed veins down the window. It had rained for what seemed like hours. Lights within the small room flickered on. A dim light, a broken light that was meant to be fixed when there was a need to fix it. Now, all that remained was the constant shattered image of what a light should do. Furniture was dispersed throughout the room in a hectic manner; another reason why she had left him. That was it, wasn’t it? It all came down to the whys. There was no why in his eyes now. No meaning in his glass. His chest heaved from under his sweat-stained wife-beater tee shirt. Curled, oily black hair wrapped around his pierced ears. Like the rain beat against the window and streamed down its sleek exterior, his thoughts beat him, crushing him under the weight of what he had done.
He sat crunched over on the end of his Motel eight bed, whiskey in his right hand, and a strand of hair in the other. Her hair. Yes, her hair. He could hold it this way. He could feel her forever. Remember the times before tonight. His eyes darted around at the torn bed sheets and the blood soaked carpet. Her blood. Crimson and wet, his eyes found what his mind had been telling him to find.
Her.
She, with flowing blonde hair, a beautiful smile, and a gash of sweet red flowing from her neck, carrying itself, like the rain, down its sleek surface. She was all he wanted. A bit of her to call his own. He had taken from her everything. Her bright blue eyes wouldn’t shine on his rugged face anymore. She wouldn’t scream and yell about other women anymore. No, she was done, a force now that was only a vague memory to the man.
He found solace in knowing she would no longer play with his heart, no longer seek comfort from those closest to her. Now, he knew, that he was the closest that anyone would ever be to her. In time, he found a way to smile at this favor that he had done the world. He gathered his belongings that he was to take with him, and headed for the door. He flicked the light off on that part of his life. He knew her face no longer and would never again be haunted by her presence.
Justice was served.
He opened the doorway quietly, remembering now that it was early and not to disrupt those around him. Peering down at the brass door handle did not prepare him for what he was going to face next. He gazed upwards at the gray jacket, at the black hat, at the hidden face. Fear crept into his heart. His belongings were thrown aside but before he could act, a leather glove struck him in the nose. Falling to the floor, he felt the front of his face become warm and tingle. He struck the carpeted floor hard. Thick, red blood covered his face and hands as he struggled to look back at his attacker. A soft click echoed in the hallway. A bullet shell landed close to where the man had been shot between the eyes.
That night, a gray jacket, a black hat, and a hidden face walked out of the doors of Motel eight and into the rainy streets.
Justice was served.
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138,387 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Hey!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Wow...this was the kind of dark and twisted story I should not have read this late at night. I loved how you created the somber atmosphere in the beginning with your description of th erain beating down against the window pane. Since the mostly revolves around this man's thoughts, more of such descriptions is always appreciated. I also liked the way you handled his thoughts. It is evident that this man needs psychiatric help, and to have him as the protagonist gave us a very real glimpse into his mind. It was dark and twisted and extremely unhealthy but I liked the way you portrayed his thoughts and justified his actions in his own twisted sense of logic and reason.
I do think that you could add a little more background to the story. For example, maybe some memory of the woman, or why she met with such a ate. Keeping it vague does add to the mystery of the story, but I feel that in this case, a little more information and detail wouldn't hurt.
Also, the ending was a little rushed and I did not completely understand it. One moment the man was closing the door on his crime, and the next he is attacked by someone else. Who is this third person? What role does he serve in the story? Is the man dead? The ending has left so many questions and I feel that unless you clear the abrupt entry of the third person, the readers will remain confused.
I did enjoy the irony at the end though. Of justice being served. It really makes me wonder though. What does justice mean to these people?
Overall, this was a really great story. I would consider the word choice at certain parts, but this was a really heavy and yet good read.
Keep writing and have a great day!
I like your use of short sentences and repetition here, both very effective. And the plot is chilling. Not quite what I expected when I first began to read it. Your use of colour is nice though I think you could have added just a little more description of the room. Attention to detail is sometimes a good way to show obsession or madness in a character and I think it would work well here.
I also thought that you description of the woman was very good and I like the natural, quite colloquial tone of the story and how it allows the reader to see through the persona's eyes. Very good. I do have a few specific suggestions which I'll cover next -
Rain beat against the glass, tattered [I'm not sure about your word choice here...] down, and formed veins down the window.
Now, all that [s]remains[/s] remained was the constant shattered image of what a light should do.
He sat crunched over on the end of his Motel [s]8[/s] eight bed.
Now, he knew, that he was the closest thing that would ever be there to her. [This is phrased awkwardly. Perhaps 'Now, he knew, that he was the closest that anyone would ever be to her.' would be smoother?]
His belongings were thrown aside and the chase began.
Overall, I like the ending though I think you could expand the piece to include more description and perhaps a little bit more background history.And maybe describe the chase just a bit. In general though it's well written and I enjoyed reading it so good work.