E - Everyone

Tucked Behind the Ear

*Note: This was written for my college-level English course. It was required to be a literary fiction around 500 words with three intended grammatical errors. Please review for the content, style, etc and not minuscule grammatical errors for this particular piece. Thank you.*

The lights went out when the sirens stopped and the man with the cigarette tucked behind his ear slouched against the molding pile of picture books. He figured it wasn’t a bad place to die -- if it came to that -- buried among the excess books the librarians had stored in the fungus-ridden basement. He would have classified it as a fantastic place to die, if he hadn’t forgotten his matchbook.

“'Ey. 'Ey, kid,” he nudged the boy dozing beside him underneath the rotting dictionaries.

The boy rubbed his eyes as they adjusted to the dim light from the street-level windows. Moonlight scattered across the books, casting jagged shadows along the floor.

“Gotta match or light?” he grinned as an attempt to appear friendly, exposing his nicotine-stained teeth.

The boy shuddered as the light caught the man’s sagging, wrinkled face. Reluctantly, he drew out the lighter he kept in his chest pocket.

“Thanks, kid,” sparks fluttered about in the man’s hands, as he held the lighter to the end of the cigarette he had wedged between his teeth.

The cigarette ignited and the stench of fumes mingled with the sour scent of mold and stuck to the humid atmosphere of the room. Darkness consumed the basement once again, besides the glowing end of the burning cigarette embers. The man sucked in the bitter-sweet smoke, relaxing as the nicotine eased his anxieties of the bombs raining down outside. Books rattled off the shelves and splashed onto the puddle-flooded floor as a distant explosion shook the earth. The boy gasped, but choked on the smoke twisting around his nostrils and filling his lungs. The man chuckled, causing the medals pinned onto his uniform to shake with the rise and fall of his chest.

“Never had a drag?” he asked the boy, exhaling a cloud of smoke into his face.

“No, sir.”

“And ya how many years ole?”

“Twelve.”

“Kid, ever hear of a ‘last drink?’ This is the only one I got. Every day since I, uh, was excused from the frontlines, I pick one out of the box each morning, just one ‘case the sirens start up and they run a drill or they fly over ‘cause ya never know when it’ll be the last one,” the man held the cigarette between his fingers and offered it to the boy.

The boy shrank away from the flickering end of the cigarette. His father smoked everyday and filled their ramshackle house with the rancid scent. He said it relaxed him and filled the cracks of his mind, but his throat had gone dry and he could never breathe properly.

“C’mon, kid ya never reach your manhood properly without taking a puff at least once,” the cigarette quavered in the man’s hand as another explosion closer than before rocked the basement’s brick walls.

The boy reached for the cigarette and welcomed it into his hand. He rolled it between his thumb and middle finger, just as he had watched his father do while they listened to the news on the radio. Warmth seeped through the paper into his frigid fingers and the burning end pulsated as its oxygen supply quenched its thirst with each gulp. The actions that should follow were all the more familiar to him. Bring the cigarette to his lips, breathe in the chemicals like he drank his chocolate milk, fill his lungs with the fumes, and ease the fracturing of his mind. His cheeks would suck in and then puff out with each inhale and exhale.

“Let’s share the last breath, shall we?”

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Korywon
Review

Very well written indeed. The story development flowed and pieced together very well!

However my only problem is, what's with the sirens. I would like an explanation of what the sirens are and why they're acting as if it's death. Is it a bomb siren? A warning siren? Hurricane? Tornado?

Other than that, it's good, and I like it. The ending also played a very nice part in it, haha!

Either way, Keep Writing! :D

-Kory

Thank you for your feedback. I would like to mention as the story progresses, I mention "bombs raining down outside," and other phrases of that sort just in case you were curious. Thanks again :)

User avatar
Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review · Wed Dec 10, 2014 2:55 pm

hello! :D :)
Great job on this! I know you put the grammar errors were intended, because well, that was what you were told to do! :D Honestly though, I think that the grammatical errors made the piece "complete". It described the characters, and the time period in which the story happened. Fabulous job, and keep writing! :D
~Snazzy :)
Stay Awesome :D

User avatar
Rin321
Comment

I feel that this is a great short story! Thanks for sharing! It was a Strong ending! Great Job!

Thank you for your feedback :)

User avatar
MrTalljoker
Review

Dear Jadefox,
This piece is certainly a nice example of an exercise, I would't call a work because it's just you practicing using a mechanic, which is fine, I do that a lot of the time as well, as should any writer. So this review of mine will be less about story, since that's not the point, and more on style and it's execution.

You obviously put a lot of emphasis on description of atmosphere, and you, as well, have a grip on it, I like the idea of the setting. In a library that's in a battle field, that has the constant sounding of mortars drawing closer and closer in. The charter's are a young boy, who may be a solider, and an older, possibly decorated, solider. With that you've created a nice and gloomy situation, both are going to die, but how do they each cope and deal with the same problem, though I would expand a bit on the boy's feelings a bit more though, he's mostly quite through this thing, but still good.

Now to what this exercise was meant for in your class, the intentional grammatical errors. you used the device how most people use it, for dialogue, gives the reader the knowledge that this person has an accent, in this case it seems like cockney. I think you did this well, my only suggestion is that, if you are going to do this for a charter, always ensure that the very first line of dialogue that character says is in that grammatical error. It just helps when the reader instantly knows that so he or she isn't confused when the character starts talking like that, starts to think whats going on, and though they will realize it soon, it just took them out of all the atmosphere you built up so well. I know the little mistakes are always the worst.

But anyways, this is a very good work and, I'd be happy to read more of your works soon.

Sincerely,
Nick Catanzaro/MrTalljoker

Thank you for your feedback. I will certainly take this to heart for dialogue in my future projects. I must ask, though, if you were referring to the "Hey. Hey, kid," line? To change it to fit the accent, would it be, "'Ey. 'Ey, kid?" I am not completely familiar with all the ins-and-outs of cockney, being American and all, so I would appreciate any pointers. Thanks again. :)

You're welcome, and yea I'd personally do the "Ey, Ey, kid," line, just to let the audience know that I'm doing that for this story. I find the as soon as possible, introduce a writing mechanic you wish to use. By the way, your other work is fantastic by the way. Keep writing. I NEED MORE!!!

Thanks! Which one?

Personally Im a fan of your poems, each one is a nice feel, each one an experiment thats always fun to observe and crack. I like that about your work, not afraid of experimentation.

Thanks, I'm glad to hear somebody appreciates my work. Let me know if you want me to take a look at anything for you :)



It’s not unorthodox, I thought it was beautiful.
— Jimi Hendrix