They mostly come at night...mostly. When you go out into the fields, you can hear them shifting through the crops...stalking. You hear their heavy breathing, feel the breath on your neck. It comes out like puffs of air, huff...huff. Your hair stands up on your goosebumped-skin and You begin to worry and walk faster. You are hoping to lose them, but their footsteps only match your pace, somtimes a beat ahead. The scrape of their claws and fingernails trace your skin as they attempt to reach out and grab you. You become frantic, the darkening sky only alerts you to the danger that is nearing.
Your heart beats, drums, pounds. Thud...thud...thud. You take a sudden turn, hoping, praying that the change in direction will throw them off. It doesn't. They still pursue you, faster now, knowing that you are running out of breath, out of time.
You burst out into the open, beleiveing you are safe, but you are so wrong. Oh, so wrong. They stand before you, grotesque under the glowing moonlight, bodies mangled and disproportinate. You stare at them, they stare back. You step back into the unsure safety of the field. That was a mistake, you are walking back ito their grasp. The crop hides you from the moonlight and from them.
You are left to the silence of your still beating heart. Thud...thud...It stops as fingers close around your wrist. The silence is only broken by your shrill, panic-filled screech that swells in the air. You face the beast. It's face is an unseen horror, shaded by the crop's shadow. Bile fills your mouth, and you choke it back as you struggle to break loose. It will be over soon, you know it will. The end is coming near, the moon's light is wanning and the first glimmers of sun streaking gently across the black sky. You bite down on the hand that is pulling you near your imminent demise. The creature releases you as it howls in pain and aggrevation. You run back out into the opening. They surround you and come closer.
Finally the sun rises over the horizon, blinding you and burning them away. The end finally came. The nightmare is over.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Nice.
Although I would have loved it if the beasts had eaten the person.
I like the 'You' technique. It makes the readers create a direct mental image of the story.
I love it!
wow this is really good! I really like the image you created. The ending is really interesting too
hopefully i can write something as good as this in the future!
Thanks! I'm sure you'll be able to, just write everyday and any idea you have write it down. Even the novel I'm writing Desolate, is based on a dream I had! Good luck in the future
Hey there! I really enjoyed this; it was a bit spooky, a bit suspenseful, and quite well-written.
First off, there were some mechanical errors.
Should be 'throw' instead of 'through'.
Should be 'believing', not 'believeing'.
Should be 'disproportionate.'
There were a few other things, but nothing too major.
Interesting use of the second-person POV. It can be hard to pull off, but I think you handled it quite well.
My only beef with this story is the ending...you've set up a wonderfully suspenseful situation, and I was really eager to get to the end and see what was really going on. And then the monsters just disappeared in the sunlight! It's not a bad ending, but you might want to consider something with a little more of a punch. A twist, or an explanation of what the creatures are? Just something to consider.
Overall, it was definitely an enjoyable post-Halloween read. Keep up the good work!
Thanks a lot for reviewing! The ending I know was a little.....eh. For English class on Halloween, we had to write a story using one of the three story starter sentences on the board and write it in five minutes. I wanted to explain that the creatures are nightmares but I ran out of time so I attempted to imply that with the ending.
Ahhh, I understand. This is quite impressive for being written in only five minutes!