Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
“Edger get my gun”
“yes father”
“And get my wife”
“yes father”
“And...”
“yes father?”
“nothing, just go”
“yes father”
I heard father load his gun just after mother ran out from my room.
I put my jeans back on and grabbed a long sleeved shirt. I had just made it to the stairs when the yelling started, there was always yelling in this house.
“please put the gun down, I don’t need to fight you” the heavy footed man announced
“what are you” father demand.
“fa sath sho” the man hissed. Im not sure but I think he insulted father, no one insults father.
Everyone was silent for what seemed like an eternity then mother calmly walked over to me carefully took my hand and lead me into the living space.
“here she is” mother said. Her grip tightened.
The man looked down at me and hummed. He was so tall he almost touched the ceiling. In fact, I think he did. His eyes were dark and shaddow-y, his back hair framed his face and almost looked alive.
“Carolin! That are you doing? Get away from him” father walked forward with his hand out stretched.
“no Bill. I will not. He is no threat and Severn needs this.” father stopped.“it needs to be here where I can keep an eye on it”
the man took my arm and looked me in the eye “you need to make a choice, right now, to ether come with me or stay. Ether way you cant change your mind once you've chosen.”
I looked back at my family. Mother was smiling so bright she looked like she was going to explode. Then there was father and edgar, looking disgusted and slightly confused that anyone would want me other than them. The choice was simple.
“hold on I'll just pack some things” the man smiled at me
“yeah, id rather go with a random scary looking stranger than stay with my family” I gestured towards edgar and father. “weird right?”
I started packing. Pants, three. Shirts, five. Jumpers, one. Shoes, three pairs. Mother walked in behind me and touched my shoulder.
“I will miss you.”
“I'll miss you too”
“really?”
“really.”
mother started to pack for me as she explained what was going on. Mothers, they always know what’s going on.
“basically he’s your father”
“okay”
“and he’s come to take you home with him where you'll be treated better than here”
“okay”
“ you might not believe me but he’s a king of.... magical.... things... I cant remember”
“mum, sea animals can live in any form of water, i have scales, horns, cat eyes and a tail do you really think I don’t believe in magic?”
“You have a tail?”
“did I say that out loud?”
“yes.”
“shit”
“can I see it?” mothers eyes sparked with excitement .
“ yeah okay but can you not sound so excited by it?”
“sorry, but it is really exciting” mother was finished packing and turned to face me.
I pulled the tail out of the back of my pants, it swayed naturally. Rainbows shone across the black scales in the moonlight and it brushed the floor occasionally. Mother grinned like a child so I smiled to, it felt right.
“its beautiful. My brave little dragon.” an ongoing joke that seemed more and more plausible as time went on.
“I uh, I have to get going” I hugged mother, tucked my tail back in and went down stairs.
“ready to go?”
[authors note, any grammar mistakes are on purpose, its how the speak]
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there, it's me again!
So another interesting chapter! We get to know a bit more about Save, like the fact she has a tail! Also, her real father has come back and is off to take her on a brand new journey! I don't have much to say on this chapter because it is so short, but I have to say you've added a new mix to everything.
I did think the pacing was a little quick. We just met these people and know nothing of their world still, and already there is a new character and we're saying bye to new ones! Too soon! Slow down there a bit and add in more descriptions. Does she really want to leave her mother behind to be abused without her there to help her? I can understand her wanting to escape, but it would be nice if she did something like asking the Mum to come along as well or something
Both those last two commas in each sentence should really be a ;
Also it should be written as I'm.
Watch out for this! The whole story is in past tense so make sure you keep it that way. This should be demanded.
I think the other should be over? Is that what you mean?
Although we know quite a lot about Save's appearance we know nothing about her as a character yet. I'm not entirely sure if she is a girl or a boy, I am just going as I believe it would be. I don't know anything... what she likes or dislikes other than her family fighting. Which is not enough to go on by itself. You really need to make sure the reader knows the character well enough before moving on with the rest of the story. Sure, the plot is progressing nicely, but make sure the characters are too!
Going to read more, as always!
Deanie x
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
This part made me laugh so much! Maybe it's just because I'm lacking sleep.
Okay, so there are a few things that I have to say about this chapter:
1.) More grammar mistakes. Yes, yes, yes I know that the grammar mistakes are the way they talk. But as I mentioned in my review of the first chapter, you still have to follow regular grammar rules. Sentences need to be capitalized. 'I' needs to be capitalized, even in the conjunction "I'd". There needs to be apostrophes where there should be apostrophes. Feel free to mess with the spelling of the words to emphasize the pronunciation, but make sure the grammar is correct. Otherwise you'll lose the attention of some readers.
2.) Severn and her mother are so damn calm about everything. Sorry to cuss there, but I had to. I don't know about you, but if someone came to my door and claimed to be my real father, I would be completely freaked out. Even if I was different, I wouldn't be quick to jump to the conclusion that this mysterious guy is my father. It would make sense that she decides to leave after thinking about it for a while. Maybe have a short time where she thinks about the advantages and disadvantages and second guesses herself as she sees her mom crying. Basically what I'm saying is that she's so quick to believe this man. Who is he exactly? She doesn't know; we don't know. There's just so much mystery surrounding him that I don't think she would be able to make the right decision so quickly.
Other than that, this was a good chapter. You're really moving the story along fast, which I actually like. It seems that we like to write the same way: give some background information and then dive right into the story.
Let me know when the next chapter is out! I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Great! loved and I don't understand how the character could be so calm about know that big old man asking randomly for his child and the character is all like HMMM... yeah okay. I didn't have a problem with the way you spoke, it made it more interesting, life like! Human characteristics you seem on point about!
I would have liked a little more description, cause there was dialogue and I was getting imagery from that, but I would have liked to see the home, stairs clothes the mother was wearing. Smelling the air, how the father and Edgar looked. Over all very good, you kept my interest impacted and I loved it and you are a great author!
Smart with choice of words and it wasn't complex but it wasn't simple and that's what makes me as a reader so interested. So thanks for the read it was really good. Hoping for the next chapter.
im working on some drawings because i want to see how my characters look (idk saying it out loud it seems kinda vain to me)
the flaws you pointed out are going to be explained..
thakyou very much