Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
[authors note] sorry for the obvious unintended grammatical errors such as lower case I's and uncapitalised sentences I wrote the first two chapters on very little sleep and I didn't have someone else go over them for me sorry. Also I am very sorry for how fast the story is going, I'm going to start getting into some back story. This is my first story I've ever actually published, so I'm sorry if I mess up. this is supposed to be funny(im not that funny so im not sure how it'll go down) so take it with a grain of salt.]
“Ready to go?” I smiled at the man who claimed to be my father.
“Uh, yeah...?” he looked confused as he turned towards the door
I turned to mother ignoring the fact that father and Edgar were coming to tie me to something so I wouldn’t go. Mother smiled and took me into her arms.
“If you know what’s good for the world you will let her leave.” mother snarled through clenched teeth. “remember what I told you last time he visited, or were you too drunk?”
Father stopped dead in his tracks.
“you said that little... freak, was going to save all our asses, how could I forget you telling me she wasn’t mine?! How could I forget!!”
“I'M WHAT?” I screamed, causing everyone to jump “I'm supposed to save the world? No one thought to tell me this earlier? Going with a total stranger to get away from this abuse is one thing, but going with a total stranger to save the world? That’s a-whole-nother ball park that I am just not up to. What else have you not told me? What el--” I was cut off by a car horn then father swung.
That’s all I remember, then dark, then a long forgotten memory;when I was five, before the horns and the scales, before the lies, back when the sky’s were clear and every one was happy. I remembered eating with the rest of the family one night, the night it started, my head started to hurt and my arms itched like crazy. Mother knew, mothers always know. She took me straight to my room and stayed with me the whole night as I screamed in agony and scratched my arms raw. That’s the night when my horns grew and the trouble started. When I woke the next morning, the sky was grey, hazy and looked a little sick, everything had changed in one night. Father started drinking, he stopped smiling, stopped spending time with us. Edger grew cold, he stopped acknowledging me as a person. Mother grew tired and solemn. She did what had to be done and nothing more. We moved from our three bedroom house in the middle of the city to the far to rickety four story house in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere we have now, where the second story doesn’t quite fit in the spot where it should be so its built into the trees out the back, over a cliff. The third story is so old its basically falling apart and the fourth story sways in the breeze. And not to mention the whole house was built backwards. Still it was nice. Not much sun, lots of rain and mud and bugs and well, fish. But it was still nice. One night we somehow managed to get a school of fish inside. Father got them out in the end, that night felt like we were a family again but by the next morning it had worn off.
I was woken with a bump in the car of the heavy footed man, my real father. He was looking at the road so didn’t notice when I woke up. I looked at him, his face was a solemn neutral but his eyes were as bright as the sun and a purple so purple it put all other purples to shame. He wasn't wearing his coat and his sleeves were rolled up so I could see the scales covering his arm.
“Maybe he is my father” I said out loud without realising.
“What do you mean, maybe?” I damn near jumped out of my skin when he replied.
“I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
“yes?”
“God damn mother f--!”
“ How about some music?” He said as he quickly turned the radio on.
We sat in silence while the radio played old songs with no beat. So my life went from weird kid with an abusive home life to a hero destined to save the world in under two hours. New personal record, not that I had a record to begin with. The road was narrow and dark. The clouds hid the moon and stars.
“Why were you so okay with coming? I was expecting to have to convince you” He looked at me briefly, his face looked vaguely happy with a hint of confused.
“Honestly, I didn’t know I had to save the world and I just thou--”
“Save the world?” he laughed “oh no dear... that comes later.”
“What do you mean, later?”
“Savern, you don’t mind if I call you Savern?”
“Not at all”
“Okay, you’re 18 now right?”
“In a few months”
“Well, the world doesn’t need saving right now, its not safe but it doesn’t need to be saved now. You have years to train. But every year its not saved, the problem gets worse. Not like 'oh god oh god the worlds gonna end' but more like ' aw dang son that’s gonna be a pain in the derrière'”
I scoffed
“What?”
“You said derrière”
“Yes, yes, very funny. I'm sorry I cut you off there. What were you saying?”
“Oh um..” I hesitated, recognising my thoughts “I just wanted to get away from them, and I thought the best way for me to do that was go with the first person who offered...”
I put a hand to my aching head.
“Why would you want to leave them? I left you in the most capable hands.”
“Does your version of capable include an abusive dick stain and his son?”
“Well, no, but...” he looked embarrassed “you sure do cuss a lot.”
“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you live in the world these days.”
My head ached, like id been dropped in a fight. Oh wait, I had been, just without the fight.
“We're here” the man said pulling into a stone driveway. The house was huge,three stories at least, and made of stone. As we drove closer I came to the conclusion that it in fact was not a house but a damn castle.
“Great, another giant place with way to much spare space.” I muttered
“Oh no, almost every room is occupied. This is a safe house for people like you”
“People like me?” I didn’t even bother getting angry for thinking out loud, I didn’t care any more. “What do you mean, like me?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there Jackal!
I guess we are going to see a lot more scaled people really soon and find out what all their destinies are... ooh isn't this exciting. More people live Savern!
Ah it's so good to see all this punctuation and all coming into it. I have to say, I much prefer the story this way too. And don't worry about it being your first time publishing this, from now and always you can only keep trying to get better, right?
I have to say though... Savern here's that she is supposed to save the world in a single conversation and already she immediately believes it? If I were her I would be refusing to believe it, playing it all down for a joke at first until I was convinced enough that it was true. Then I might freak out a little bit... like she did xD
This is just a small think but it should be 'in' not 'into.'
I'm glad you are working on the grammar and all that but let me explain a few rules here that this line should help explain. Firstly, before the 'how could I forget' there should be a full stop because really, there should be the end of the sentence. Also, in stories we never really need more than one exclamation mark because it pretty much does the job, showing us that they were shouting/excited or whatever. The thing is, with dialogue the rules for grammar don't change. Even within the speech marks we are always going to need capital letters! So every sentence that doesn't start with one here needs to be changed.
Here is a another case where instead of a comma you really need a ;
I think this should be 'so he didn't notice.'
As well as every line needing a capital letter, every line needs some ending punctually, either a comma or full stop or question mark. In this case and most of the cases where it needs adding in, we're missing a full stop. Just to let you know that it needs editing into there as well.
I am looking forwards to knowing where they are. I loved your description of her fathers purple eyes, more purple among anything else. It was lovely to read <3 I've got to go sleep now xD But really, message me on my wall when you have another chapter up because I want to stick with it!
Deanie x
Writing is an art. Art doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to be strong. Including the following weakened your writing: "[authors note] sorry for the obvious unintended grammatical errors such as lower case I's and uncapitalised sentences I wrote the first two chapters on very little sleep and I didn't have someone else go over them for me sorry. Also I am very sorry for how fast the story is going, I'm going to start getting into some back story. This is my first story I've ever actually published, so I'm sorry if I mess up. this is supposed to be funny(im not that funny so im not sure how it'll go down) so take it with a grain of salt.]" You can solve for 90% of these things by using spelling/grammar check and reading it out loud, there is no need to have the problems stay within your writing or for you to publish such issues. Now on to the actual substance of what you wrote.. I liked it. You have a good storyline with decent characters and great dialogue. Keep it up and remember: Editing is key.