She, not me,
You, not I
Addressed with pain
Plucked from the sky
.
Nothing is given
she cannot take;
no peace, little love
that you make.
.
You take much
with little given away,
more smokey peace
than you can pay.
.
They say nothing ventured,
nothing gained,
but you’ve spent too much
for just your pain.
.
Her pain reflects
You’re nothing
Her pain shows
You’re something
.
She long ago taught herself
how to smile -- not to cry.
A baby bird with eyes shut tight
cannot see to fly.
.
Moments are passed.
time is gained,
she’s left by family but only you’re
alone. Estranged.
.
You’re always late,
never there,
but still she learns
how and how not to care.
.
You don’t mind her pain
She smiles
She hates your hazy gaze
You smile
.
She, not me,
is plucked from the sky.
Addressed with pain,
that’s you, not I.
.
A mother’s embrace
is a memory from afar,
because she is me
and that’s who you are.
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,995 Reviews
This was really, really good! I can't find anything, really that's wrong with it, but if I had to chose something that stood out to me as odd it would be this line:
Here's an idea to make it better: insert a semicolon! With this, it could be: "alone; estranged." I can tell that you are a professional poet, and I'm not, so don't listen to me if you don't agree with me.
This was my favorite stanza. The reference to a familiar saying fit in perfectly.
You did an amazing job. I'm sure you'll do great it the contest, but good luck anyway!
You've got a very punctuated title. And that sturdy set up continues throughout the poem. The rigid style in which the stanzas are composed also conforms to the "neatness" of this piece.
However, the content of the poem itself is not someting that couldn't waver. And for that reason, I think you could definitely play around with the formatting here and get away with it. Just a suggestion.
As for the content itself...
'Moments are passed.
time is gained,
she’s left by family but only you’re
alone. Estranged.'
You are dealing with very dark subject content, but at the same time, I don't feel it's anything we haven't seen/heard before.
I would say, try and find a way to make this work more personal and take a different approach to the subject matter to make it more original.
Keep writing.
~BSF
The only way I could make it personal was by keeping it impersonal (if that makes any sense at all). Can you explain to me what you mean by playing around with the formatting?
Making the stanzas appear less regular. So they are slightly uneven and make a different kind of image for the reader to look at.
Ahhhhhhhhh, understandable. Thanks!
Wow, I really really enjoyed this. I read it like three times! Very good. I feel like it's really deep, and can be interpreted in many different ways. For me, it all clicked in the last stanza where you said - 'because she is me and that's who you are'.
My interpretation was that the person is looking at herself as two different people, both fighting, longing, and regretting.
Just thought I'd share my little interpretation on it
Anyway, so here are a couple things I saw.
Moments are passed.
time is gained,
she’s left by family but only you’re
alone. Estranged.
I think you should change the last two lines up just a bit. Not the words, just how they're laid out.
'She's left by family
While you're along. Estranged.'
I think if you did something like that it would flow better here. The third line just seemed long to me.
You’re always late,
never there,
but still she learns
how and how not to care.
Just the last line here is a little confusing. She still learns how to do what? You said she learns how not to care, but the other 'how' is just kind of thrown in there I feel. Add a little more, or clarify what you mean.
Those are the only things I could see. This is really good, I enjoyed reading. My favorite part was this -
A baby bird with eyes shut tight
cannot see to fly.
Keep writing!
"how and how not to care."
The long third line in the "Moments are passed..." stanza is purposeful so that the final is punctuating. But, if you have a suggestion to make it flow better without effecting the last line or meaning, I'm open.
That line was an I-don't know-what-to-put-here thing.
I loved this. The only advice would be to make your verses a little longer. Not all of them, but some could have been blended and the rhyme would have still worked. because of the short verses, the first read-through was a bit difficult but I understood the piece better the 2nd time around. Spoken aloud, this poem would be perfect.
Thanks, I tend to write short versus and have written a couple with longer ones, but it'd difficult for me. Also, I read them aloud while I'm writing... I'm taking this into consideration when I get off my butt and write another poem.