Revolution [Working title]

Thanks for your review of my Nero piece. Calling me a genius kinda sorta made my day.

Let's nit-pick yours a bit, shall we?

The world is very bland.

Colourless really.

Silhouettes of lives move through that stuffed and claustrophobic corridor, moving barely with a shadow; though that glorious light radiating off of that great institution shines down upon them.

But it saps the colour out of them. Every one of them in that many populated corridor the same; all move from the start to the finish under that harsh and glorious light, unnoticed and unknown.

Hey there JSPike! It's me again! Anyway here are my thoughts on this lovely bit'a fiction... (In blue italics. Blue's an admirable colour, wouldn't you agree?)

JSPike wrote:
Revolution

The world is very bland -- good simple and engaging start. I'd get rid of the full stop and put in a semi-colon, it aids the fluency of the read. Colourless really -- good. You're keeping up the short sentence style and I love the mystery based description as you're keeping everything very implicit. The reader can let their imagination wander, Lovely. As if it were a still picture in black and white. -- the reason why I suggested those extra words is so you can vary your sentence structure and maintain the readers interest. Silhouettes of lives move through that stuffed and claustrophobic corridor, barely moving with a shadow; though that glorious light radiating off of that great institution shines down upon them. I love this start, you've got the hook and the implicit description to keep your readers drawn in and interested, one thing I would say is to be careful with structural errors and revise for any grammar fragments.

But Yet it saps the colour out of them -- starting this sentence with "but" doesn't feel right. Every one of them, in that many populated corridor; exactly the same. They all move from the start to the finish under that harsh and glorious light, unnoticed and unknown. I love the mysterious base of your description here but felt some of the lines needed rewording so I've given you a few offers of suggestions, hope they help and you can understand why I've suggested them.

However, in those dark and concealed corners, where that light is not so harsh; where the corridor is not so confined. -- This sentence's fluency is perfect and has that huge impact on the reader to paint this definate vivid image but still allow their imagination to breathe; it's a real writing gem. There are pinpricks of unity, of pride and of passion -- this is starting to relate more to your poetry and context of writing, so I enjoyed this line; it has meaning. But in that barren wasteland, we stir unseen -- good way to end the paragraph because it maintains the hook, though not sure where you're going from here? Try not to lose plot development by trying to make it too mysterious! Don't take this the wrong way because you have a real talent for mysterious description, just there's a fineline between perfection and over-doing it..

There is no point in those many silhouettes, crawling pitifully under the whip of that blind and powerful light -- okay I enjoy the use of vocabulary here, it's varied and seals in a detailed image as well as enhancing curiousity - well done. There is no meaning to it; no purpose. -- That reminded me of the Matrix somehow, I'm starting to see where you're going with this... Until we stand up and make ourselves whole, we leave no mark behind us. -- again here is a good relation to context and a nice round off to the paragraph. I see the style of writing you have, it's poetic. You're portraying meaning through a series of metaphorical images that enhance mystery but also reflect the context. What can I say? It's beautifully done, but perhaps not quite prose.

That blind power didn’t notice what was going on until too late -- Haha, this is brilliant, it reminds me of a bit of history (I adore modern history) and it works so well in describing that context, if you meant it, well hats off to you. Its indifference was its downfall - Beautiful, short and bittersweet line. We rose up behind it’s back, Then struck and they plummeted to the ground. That vast authority was no more -- very well portrayed, that hideous light was gone, and the people rose up from the ground. To stand once more. Well written paragraph and there's a strong undercurrent plot that's implied by your portrayal of constant imagery, however for those unfamiliar with the context you're writing in this perhaps might come across as an off-putting read. I think (if there's such a thing) you've devised a truly stunning bit of "Poetic Prose", but I don't think it's quite there to being a story.

But slowly, that light re-emerged, from the darkness. Those pinpricks of light grew again once their Eagle Standard was plunged into the body of that deceased power This is a good line but stands out from your style, perhaps revise this. It grew and grew until it became too harsh and bright, that the people became silhouettes once more, and fell to the ground. To crawl once more. EXCELLENT meaning. Truly wonderful! That has a stunningly powerful effect and because I know what you're on about or can relate some history to it, it works beautifully. VERY WELL DONE. -- Personally though I'd end it here... (not because the rest is bad, but because it's a truly fitting ending to this piece and I beleive it would work better. It's just a thought though.

Again, for a time, the status quo remained. Good vocab and maintained high-level description. Suffering of indifference, as that new power grew more powerful, more glorious, and revelled in that staleness of ages past -- narrative voice tends to drag out here but the vocab spices it up with difference and makes it okay to read. It bent their lives to their will, became drunk on its own essence -- I like this. Until, as before, in those twisted corners of the corridors of power, pinpricks of light emerged – unseen and unheard – and rose up, like a snake, to strike. I love how you've portrayed it as a repition of events, but in prose this repition doesn't quite work so well and it loses its interest. Be careful not to throw off readers, this is another reason why the earlier ending might possibly have been a good choice. Still you've maintained the stunning description and portrayals.

We stand there watching from across that great dark river of the boatman, watching the cycle repeat, and repeat -- this line's drawn my interest again. We marvelled at our past ‘existence’: for it cannot be called a life. Good, its brought back that captivation factor. Our passion never coloured the corridor red with joy and love... only the blood of ages past nice involvement of context again. That blood that can only be seen from the other side, that colours those damned corridors I'd cut this line, but it's upto you, I feel it isn't needed and unnecessarily repeats your point in more detail; much like an essay would. Just as euphoria grips those many shrouded beings, they turn right around. A black knife in their back.
Wonderful way to end, poetry wise and I think that's the biggest problem here, but I LOVED the read, so thanks for posting!

Heya JSPike! Classy here, as requested.

Let me start off by saying you have a wonderful voice. Your descriptions are all so poetic and wonderful, I just want to read more of your works.

However, I'm not completely sure I liked this. It seemed more like an essay than a story. I saw no real plot, but rather just that you were talking about something. I think to have a plot, you really need a character, and you need that character to undergo some sort of change, and this does not have that. I think that this could be a summary for a bigger story, and I think if you took the time to write it out, it would be a very wonderful piece.

You have a nice subject here. Everything you were saying seemed so Sci-Fi, so interesting, almost futuristic.

Ta ta for now!

Classy

Thanks again everyone for the reviews! They're much appreciated!

I've made quite a few changes and everything. Hopefully the punctuation isn't so sloppy now.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your comments. Soon, when I have some time spare I'll go over it all and incorporate your suggestions and hopefully improve it a bit.

Just a quick note: I have no excuse for the sloppy punctuation! When I said it was a 'short story version' I meant the idea came from it, it wasn't adapted. I don't know what happened to the punctuation, maybe my brain temporarily ran away or something.

Anyway, I'll sort it all out when I have the time, and post the edit.

Thanks again for your help.

i was a bit lenient when editing this piece because i saw that you adapted this from a poem. the punctuation was a bit out there for me, but i wasn't sure if it was just the style you were aiming for. also, i know there is more artistic liscence when it comes to punctuation marks/syntax in poetry, so yeah haha onto the review!

---

The world is very bland. Colourless really. A still picture in black and white. Silhouettes of lives move through that stuffed and claustrophobic corridor, moving barely with a shadow; though that glorious light radiating off of that great institution shines down upon them.

Every one of them in that many populated corridor the same: all move from the start to the finish under that harsh and glorious light – unnoticed and unknown.

However, in those dark and concealed corners; where that light is not so harsh...

There is no point in those many silhouettes, crawling pitifully under the whip of that blind and powerful light. There is no meaning to it; no purpose.

That blind power didn’t notice what was going on until too late. It’s indifference was it’s downfall. We rose up behind it’s back.

They fell, fell, fell, to the ground. That great institution was no more, that hideous light was gone, and the people rose up from the ground. To stand once more.

It bent their lives to their will, became drunk on its own essence.

We marvelled out our past ‘existence’: for it cannot be called a life.

Hey JS!
I'll review your piece today!

I love it, I really like your concept, your idea, your style. It is really nice how you developed this piece from a poem and still managed to keep it interesting. Your opening was superb but as the story goes on, it seems as if it becomes a little harder to understand. Some of that it's due to some of the punctuation issues that the piece had.
Something I have to tell you is that some of the repetition didn't do well to this because it made me lose the formal and mysterious sense that the piece had.

and rose up, up, up to strike

watching the cycle repeat, repeat

I loved this, very very much. excellent

JSPike wrote:The world is very bland. Colourless really. A still picture in black and white. Silhouettes of lives move through that stuffed and claustrophobic corridor, moving barely with a shadow; though that glorious light radiating off of that great institution shines down upon them.

JSPike wrote:Every one of them in that many populated corridor the same: all move from the start to the finish under that harsh and glorious light – unnoticed and unknown.

JSPike wrote:and revelled in that staleness of ages past.

JSPike wrote: We marvelled out our past ‘existence’: