Thus our fingers dance as our lips quiver to
Each heartbeat through the darkening night.
Only to find out that the night is spent and
The birds chatter from their luscious branches.
Yet our fingers still dance to each other's soulful symphonies.
The sunlight dims giving birth to a scarlet furnace
Twirling above the heavens.
Thus our love can still be heard through the drumming
Of one's fingertips entwined with our fluttering hearts;
That can be heard as gentle flapping of a Hummingbirds' wing.
Even as our eyes fall heavy, our minds do not tire.
Nor do the palms of our fingers that control the night.
The moon arises from its slumber, giving heed
To the timid sapphires and gems alike.
We are so far away, though our smiles shine So close.
We shall talk from day to night, dawn to dusk.
As the ink blanket surrounds us in An alcove of darkness.
To when the clouds hang high above, Guarding the horizon.
Talk until the birth of dawn, a new day, a new beginning.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,959 Literary Works • 673,783 Reviews
Anybody know how you separate the stanzas? Im new to this you see :\
Ah, I got really confused too when I was new. What I tend to do is:
1. Click the </> on the left of the top toolbar when posting/editing your work.
2. Add
</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>
After the end of the stanza you want to separate from the rest.
Sorry, that was explained incredibly badly but I hope you got it!
Okay, thank you! I will try that next time. At the moment, im just using full stops to differentiate between the stanzas!
Thank you everyone for the very useful comments and the praise!! Yeah, for some reason the structure did mess the whole thing up. When it is in its original structure all the punctuation and capital letters make sense!! I agree with you Crimsona about everything, really!! I will review, re-think and re-write!! Thank you!
Hello there, Crim here to review your poem!
Firstly I just want to say that I adore your imagery here, it's absolutely gorgeous - clouds guarding the horizon... I love it.
Some reviewer's below me have commented on the random capital letters mid sentence so I won't talk about that - perhaps they were the starts of stanzas but the formatting messed up when you posted it? I'm not sure. Again I won't talk about the long lines that could be split because other people have mentioned that.
There are only a few nitpicks that I have, firstly:
'Nor do our dancing fingers that control the night.'
^ You've already mentioned several times that the fingers are dancing, so I find it somewhat unnecessary and clumsy to repeat it again? I think this would be more powerful if you removed the word 'dancing', but that's a matter of opinion.
Secondly:
'We shall talk from day to night, dawn to dusk, Sunrise to sunset.'
^ What I loved about your piece initially was how beautifully original it was! I felt like this line was a little cliche, maybe rephrase this to make it more original? I like the idea, but it came across as quite bland compared to what you have written previously in the poem.
Overall, I really liked this poem. You have a way with words, no doubt about that! If you have any questions about what I've said then please feel free to message me about it.
Keep writing, with practice you can only improve!
Hey, nice job writing the poem, I'd like to say it was brilliant, but unfortunately it was only pretty good for me. But don't let that get you down, because it doesn't mean you aren't a good poet, it's just my personal preference. I'll explain to you why it didn't amaze me.
Ok, to me, I lost concentration on some points because it was way too wordy. You lacked punctuation in so many areas, and went a tad too far with description. As useful a detailed description is in poems, sometimes the points you wish to declare in your pieces need to be simple and to the point. What I mean is something like, a word. A single word that alludes to everything you wish to convey. Hopefully that makes sense.
I get that you were talking about love, but the overload of flowery language distracted me fom really getting a feel for what you were saying.
Here is an example of the over-descriptiveness;
"Thus our fingers dance as our lips quiver to Each heartbeat through the darkening night. Only to find out that the night is spent and The birds chatter from their luscious branches. Yet our fingers still dance to each other's soulful symphonies."
It feels like through this entire paragraph you just added in as much description as possible, to make a point that you can write or something? Sorry to be harsh :/ I mean, of course you can write! It's ok! You don't need to go that far!
Lastly, I don't know if it's just me, but I wouldn't start of with "thus" because that's another word for therefore, and what was the therefore for? If you know what I mean, what did the "thus" connect to?
Anyway, I'm sorry if I was too critical, just reviewed what I saw. But don't worry, it wasn't horrible, just a bit too flowery for me.
I loved this piece that you have created. As the first review says, there is random capitalization but I understand those were supposed to be stanzas. The symbolism is perfect and the title fits the piece really well. I want to congratulate you on making such a spectacular piece. I am curious could you make a sequel to this poem in which something bad happens to this happy relationship? Overall, this is great!(You may notice me repeating this because it truly is great!)
Wow. This is seriously good! It's not set out as a poem, but i think it's meant to be because there are some seemingly random capitalisations and punctuations.
Every line is just full of amazing adjectives and perfect expressions, like "soulful symphonies" and "timid sapphires". You have some amazing talent, pleases keep writing more!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!
Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done! Well Done!