The Bloody Sun

by JPC5

Not completely sure if this is most appropriate here. Its a zombie short story I wrote. Feel free to move it if it doesn't fit. Future chapters may be posted, depending on how good I do.

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Chapter 1

Bill stood idly by the altar as he gently fondled the Desert Eagle in his hand. He looked up at the seemingly enlarging model of Christ. Where had he gone wrong? Peter flashed back to when he and his newly wedded wife were coming home from what was perhaps their last happy moments together. As they settled down into their new life, slowly but surely, their marriage, their feelings for each other, their love, slowly broke apart. Then the arguments started. Small things at first. It always starts as small things at first. But then it started getting worse, steadily, slowly, at a crawl, but it was approaching. And when he needed to stop? When he needed to swallow his damn pride of all moments, what had he done? He couldn't remember - he drank those memories out of him. Then the fights started. The name calling. The striking. The truth. And did they stop for Haily's sake? No. Not even for his own daughter, he would try to heal his broken mind. Now, 5 years sober, when all he wanted was a second chance, she wouldn't - hell, she couldn't - give it to him. He was nearly thirty. What did he have to look forward to tomorrow?

Now Bill rubbed the bullet hole next to his head. He could do it. He could get back at himself for all those years of pity and suffering. All he needed was to pull one trigger. A single effort could solve all his problems for him. He closed his eyes and.....

Jumped. The back of the church doors swung open. At first, Bill was surprised. Then, he was....angry. Could he not die alone in peace? Was he not to have that single honor? For a moment, a thought of violence, of shooting his intruder flashed in his mind. But no, he couldn't do that. He wouldn't. He was better now.

Bill turned around to confront the intruder. Innocent or not, they wouldn't stop him from his final honor. He looked up, his pistol still on his temple. It was a women - no, too young. 19s years old at most. She was panting, with a sheet of fear over her body. She looked as if she had run from the devil itself. She looked at him, now ready to break down in tears for what could only be the hundredth time of late.

She kept running. Only stopped for a brief second to turn around and look behind her. She shrieked and kept running. But then she tripped over her own two feet. She was wearing high heels. In fact, now that Bill had gotten a better look at her, she looked like she had just ran out of a party. Considering how many parties per night their were in New York City, that would be half the people of the city alone.

Before Bill could react and help her, a second person came running through. He was wearing what could only be one of the finest suits in the city. His coat looked brand new, and his a few of his pockets, now ruffled, revealed several stickers still attached. It was his shirt that caught Bills attention however. It was what seemed like an elegant white, but it was stained with an enormas red stain. It was still dripping......wine perhaps?

That was as far as Bill's though train got before the man dove on the girl like a lion on a wounded meal. She kicked and pushed, but the man latched onto her neck, like a leech. Blood was everywhere. It was getting everywhere.

Bill almost didn't notice the third person run into the door. He took a quick look around the room, then spotted Bill. He snarled and charged.

Bill picked up his Desert Eagle and pointed it at the approaching man. He tried to scream, but fear had stolen his voice away. He waited until the last second until the man was nearly 4 feet in front of him before he fired his weapon. He tried to tilt the pistol down in an effort to hit his leg. But Bill wasn't quick enough, and the bullet wized right through his stomach. Bill heard a sickening crack as the man tripped on the ground. He tried to get to his feet up his legs wouldn't move. Did Bill hit the mans spine? But...how was he still moving?

Bill didn't have time to figure it out. The man who had clung to the woman stood up and looked at Bill after he heard the shot. He charged. Bill pointed his Desert Eagle at the the charging man and let off another bullet. It slammed through his shoulder, but didn't slow him down. Bill then aimed for his leg and shot again. The mans feet buckled, then fell. He screeched, but couldn't continue easily as he fell into the pews.

Then Bill jumped. The man whom he had shot in the spine was crawling over to Bill, trying to bit his foot. Bill stomped on the mans hand with his boot. He didn't even flinch.

Not a moment after, half a dozen more people, men and women, ran in, hearing the violence that was happening. All of them had grievous wounds on their bodies. All of them were covered in blood. They charged frantically toward Bill, with a seemingly animal like aura about them. Bill shot two more bullets into the crowd, unable to get a clear shot both with their clustered selves and his feelings of panic and dread. He turned and ran up a set of stairs that were behind him.

He ran up two flights of stairs. He came to an abrupt end and found himself at the tail of a long hallway. He started frantically trying to open doors, desperate to find an opening. He could hear them charging up the steps, eager to do to him like they did to that poor girl. But then Bill felt what would be his first feeling of true happiness as he heard the ching of a door lock. He opened the door. In it, he saw a scared priest, holding a metal baseball bat. He was too scared to hit Bill. Bill looked at him and said, "Father, I suggest you put that bat down and help me barricade this door if you want to see the sun tomorrow."

Comments & reviews · 4
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JPC5 Comment

Anyway, this story...is it supposed to be a short story with parts, or a novel?

Err, sort of both. I'm working on a work much larger then this, so I don't think this will ever turn into a novel. This is more like something I've sat down at the end of class and wrote about passivly. It does have more parts to it though. If it belongs in the Misc. categories, I'll be sure let a mod know.

Anyway, for your story! I don't now what to think of it. It seemed really fast paced and hard to follow. Your transitions were were really sharp, and your prose was distant-I had a feeling you were trying to be artsy, but overall it just came across as confusing.

I was trying to go for a dark-ironic action story, so the quick transitions were intentional. Thanks for telling me they were hard to follow.

You should probably mention exactly what the Desert Eagle is, considering the name you give for it.

Ahh, thats a good point. I'm a big military buff, so things like that are obvious too me.

I also would like to know a little bit more about the wife. The whole section is barely grazed upon, and we're just given generic descriptions about what you think it might be like. For the beginning-really get into character. Tell us more about what eventually happened. If you do, it'll evoke more sympathy for your main character because we'll know why he wants to want to commit suicide. Maybe you could write out a really intense fight that the two had-maybe one that ended up being the last straw.

This is still the first chapter, so I will definitly go into this more. That last suggestion is actually pretty interesting, I might give that a try.

I would also like to know more about the girl. You introduce her, and then just sort of forget about her. While I realize that there are more parts coming to this, right now it's just confusing, and the reader is thinking-what makes this girl so special? Describe her appearance a little bit more, and maybe mention her attire a little sooner. It confuses me as to why Bill wouldn't notice that right away. How does the girl look to him? Scared? Innocent? Beautiful?

By girl, do you mean the girl that came running into the church?

Haha, I liked this! Forgetting your the mention of zombies, I thought it was going to be another cliched suicide/depression story from the first two paragraphs. And then bam! It was great - hysterical - how the chase and the zombies interrupted him. And then perfect, he had a gun! Very ironically and humorously fortunate, in a well-done way.

Thanks, that was the intention :)

Thanks a lot for the reviews guys! I'll work on rewriting the chapter before posting the next one.

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Attolia
Review
Attolia wrote a review · Tue May 11, 2010 7:49 am

Haha, I liked this! Forgetting your the mention of zombies, I thought it was going to be another cliched suicide/depression story from the first two paragraphs. And then bam! It was great - hysterical - how the chase and the zombies interrupted him. And then perfect, he had a gun! Very ironically and humorously fortunate, in a well-done way.

5 years sober

19s years old

You need to spell numbers out! Five years sober. Nineteen years old. Little things like that make it look unprofessional.

As Elinor pointed out, there are also many grammatical and such mistakes that you should look over. Also, as I think Elinor touched upon, this feels much more like a first chapter than a short story. But overall, I liked this. Good work.

User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Tue May 11, 2010 3:18 am

Hi!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying your time on the site so far. Anyway, this story...is it supposed to be a short story with parts, or a novel? "Chapters" usually belong to novels, not short stories, and you said that there were more to come, but I'm not sure. If this is indeed a novel and you want to move it, just contact a mod [someone with a light or dark green name].

Anyway, for your story! I don't now what to think of it. It seemed really fast paced and hard to follow. Your transitions were were really sharp, and your prose was distant-I had a feeling you were trying to be artsy, but overall it just came across as confusing. Let's take your first paragraph, for instance.

You should probably mention exactly what the Desert Eagle is, considering the name you give for it. It's not quite the name you'd think of when you'd think of a gun, and it took me a little while to realize exactly what it is. Secondly, what's with the shift from Bill to Peter? If they're the same person, try to expand a little bit more. Did he change his name after the troubles with his wife? If they're different people, show how Bill and Peter are related, and why they want to be where they be.

I also would like to know a little bit more about the wife. The whole section is barely grazed upon, and we're just given generic descriptions about what you think it might be like. For the beginning-really get into character. Tell us more about what eventually happened. If you do, it'll evoke more sympathy for your main character because we'll know why he wants to want to commit suicide. Maybe you could write out a really intense fight that the two had-maybe one that ended up being the last straw.

I would also like to know more about the girl. You introduce her, and then just sort of forget about her. While I realize that there are more parts coming to this, right now it's just confusing, and the reader is thinking-what makes this girl so special? Describe her appearance a little bit more, and maybe mention her attire a little sooner. It confuses me as to why Bill wouldn't notice that right away. How does the girl look to him? Scared? Innocent? Beautiful?

Those were major issues with the piece, and now I had two tiny comments. The first is that, unless you're writing out years or other exceedingly long numbers, you should always try to write them out. It's a general rule of thumb for prose because it helps things flow a long a bit better and doesn't make you seem lazy.

The other is that you should be careful to proofread your work. While I was reading through this, I found a lot of tiny mistakes relating to grammar and spelling that could easily have been taken care of if you would have scanned through this before you posted it. Reading a loud really helps with that because you're going slower and you get to look at how things sound and if they make sense and such.

I'd like to a second part to this story posted. I think it's got a good idea that just needs a little bit of character work before it can become truly something. PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor xo



Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot