This is where our story begins: Danny Buckett, seven years, three hundred and sixty-four days after the death of his father.
For the past six years he had been not so much living, but existing in the enigma that was Puckett House - a labyrinthine orphanage of tangled corridors and bowing floorboards, overrun with spiders and dust mites in equal measure.
Danny remembered the first time he saw it. He could still hear the crunch of gravel as the car pulled up onto the drive. He could still taste the dewey air, feel the minty green grass as he scaled the hill upon which the house lay. It had been quite ugly then, and the years had passed with little kindness: every day parts of the building drifted away like leaves of an autumn tree.
‘You’ll settle in just like everybody else here,’ the social worker had told him upon entering the foyer, a grey and grimy room of dusty dampness. ‘Puckett House is the best orph-’ she caught the word before it slipped from her mouth, ‘...the best home in the area.’
From what Danny had observed so far, it was the only home in the area. A vacant smile masked his roaming thoughts as the woman continued.
‘You may, um, leave your bags here,’ she gestured to a free space on the floor, ‘I’ll show you to your room.’
Her voice was littered with hesitations, indicating what Danny already knew: she was reciting a tired old script, giving the same lecture every Puckett House resident had been subjected to upon arrival. Putting this out of his mind, and with a cautious optimism he was all too prone to, Danny followed the woman as she climbed a surfeit amount of stairs and finally reached his new bedroom.
When the door swung open, his heart sank. A cold bluster hit him first after swirling through broken, once handsome windows. Finally - reluctantly - after being encouraged by the woman with a not-so-subtle cough, he crossed the door’s threshold and felt fully the cool summer air pinch his pale skin. Surveying what lay before him, as he rubbed his exposed arms for warmth, Danny concluded that he’d never been bombarded with so much greyness at once: the hexagonal room was lined with darkened, stained panelling. The floorboards were carved from the same aged cedar wood and bowed abruptly to accommodate a child-sized bed - the only piece of furniture in the room.
For lack of anything else to do - and with the woman now gone - Danny let himself fall onto the mattress, almost immediately regretting his decision: it was lumpy and soaked with a substance he daren’t speculate on. Craving comfort or even mild reassurance, he brought his knees up to his face, gripping his legs tightly, hoping the breeze would quickly dry his teary face.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Howdy!
I’m going to review your work!
This is really good. A nice continuation from the last chapter you wrote. I guess the only thing I’m disappointed with is that the suspense was never fully explained. I think your description is a lot better here although I feel like there isn’t much too it in this chapter. It’s exceedingly short. I feel like you need more descriptions of his emotions. I want to know more about this boy; about the pain he feels.
But it’s a good start ☺
Ahh! Thank you! Sorry if I was unclear; this is the second part of the first chapter (there is more in this chapter to follow). We are later told more details about the accident etc. - I will definitely make sure to include the things you suggested! Thanks!
Hello again, here I am, as I said in the end of my last review, to say a word or two once more.
First of all, I must tell you that I am truly happy that I have decided to come and read this second part. It is often that I get disappointed by those second parts when I give them a chance, and it just wasn't the case here.
You did a way, way better job with the descriptions and the atmosphere in this piece than in the first part, and that is great to see. I see now that the story will evolve around Danny in the orphanage, and that the first part indeed was a little rushed, as you used it to get a bit of a background story. That isn't bad, but it could have been done better - with as little information (except for the dialogue, which I already said was nicely done) you gave us in the first part, it could have easily been nothing more than a couple of flashback in this part. That would make it longer, yes, but it's never really a bad thing when done properly, and all the things I found lacking in part one, I wouldn't even be mentioning.
However, of course, the solution of adding up to the first part with the kind of imagery you use in this part, would be more than welcomed as well.
I had some issues with the first sentence here.. Was it a note to the reader, or does it say so in the story?
Because, you see..
This would be a proper beginning if there was someone, like a doctor, who has Danny under observation and tells the story by reading from his files and recalling the events as much as he knows about them. Which, of course, could work marvelously, but in that case there's a whole lot of other details that should be done. You don't have those details, and I doubt you were going for that kind of plot, so I will not go to further explanations of it.
What I will try to tell you, would be the way to make it better. You don't need to do much, just remove the first part and rephrase it a little. Something like "Seven years, three hundred and sixty-four days have passed since the death of his father, yet Danny Buckett recalls every word said that day with perfect clearance." ~ that might work, I think, or something along the lines.
All in all, great great job on atmosphere and descriptions in this one, though I still don't know what Danny looks like. I hope to find out about that soon enough. Will you put up more chapters of this? Please let me know if/when you do :3
Kind regards again, and I hope I helped!
Aria~
Hello again, here I am, as I said in the end of my last review, to say a word or two once more.
First of all, I must tell you that I am truly happy that I have decided to come and read this second part. It is often that I get disappointed by those second parts when I give them a chance, and it just wasn't the case here.
You did a way, way better job with the descriptions and the atmosphere in this piece than in the first part, and that is great to see. I see now that the story will evolve around Danny in the orphanage, and that the first part indeed was a little rushed, as you used it to get a bit of a background story. That isn't bad, but it could have been done better - with as little information (except for the dialogue, which I already said was nicely done) you gave us in the first part, it could have easily been nothing more than a couple of flashback in this part. That would make it longer, yes, but it's never really a bad thing when done properly, and all the things I found lacking in part one, I wouldn't even be mentioning.
However, of course, the solution of adding up to the first part with the kind of imagery you use in this part, would be more than welcomed as well.
I had some issues with the first sentence here.. Was it a note to the reader, or does it say so in the story?
Because, you see..
This would be a proper beginning if there was someone, like a doctor, who has Danny under observation and tells the story by reading from his files and recalling the events as much as he knows about them. Which, of course, could work marvelously, but in that case there's a whole lot of other details that should be done. You don't have those details, and I doubt you were going for that kind of plot, so I will not go to further explanations of it.
What I will try to tell you, would be the way to make it better. You don't need to do much, just remove the first part and rephrase it a little. Something like "Seven years, three hundred and sixty-four days have passed since the death of his father, yet Danny Buckett recalls every word said that day with perfect clearance." ~ that might work, I think, or something along the lines.
All in all, great great job on atmosphere and descriptions in this one, though I still don't know what Danny looks like. I hope to find out about that soon enough. Will you put up more chapters of this? Please let me know if/when you do :3
Kind regards again, and I hope I helped!
Aria~
thanks, you most definitely did help! After reading your comment on the first couple of lines, I see your point - I will definitely look into changing that to make it sound better. And to address your confusion: the book is written in a narrative style, so elements like the one you pointed out felt appropriate when I wrote them. The narrative theme will be continued, though, so we'll see how things progress from there. I'll hopefully be posting more (I'm unsure how far through the novel I'll do, this is my third draft and I eventually hope to get it published). All your feedback is greatly appreciated, hugs,
JOV97
Okay, I really should probably have read the first part before going to this, but hey, I'm going to review anyway.
All right, your grammar: It's pretty much perfect, I like your vocabulary, and your style. Though I'm thinking you could use to cut down the paragraph size.
I like the level of detail you give to this, it's great, I enjoy reading little details about houses and people when I read a story, it really helps me visualize everything.
Ah, okay, I'm going to go back and read the first part sometime here probably, I feel like I'm really missing out on something.
I'd advise you to add a bit more to this, there's a lot of space left and you can add tons more to this chapter without it getting too long. Really, this is a little on the short end.
Sorry if this didn't help much > I don't think it did. I was rushing.
Ugh.
Thanks for your thoughts - all taken on board! And this is the second part of the first chapter, not one chapter in itself! Hopefully there'll be more to come. Regards, JOV97
This may be a bit of a lazy review because I'm doing this late at night.
seven years, three hundred
that was Puckett House
taste the dewey air
subjected to upon arrival
stairs and finally reached
- reluctantly -
- and with the woman now gone -
So if at any point it feels that way, please let me know.
Spoiler
Replace the comma with an 'and'.
Spoiler
Was the Puckett House.
Spoiler
I don't think 'dewey' is a word.
Spoiler
This sounds a bit showoff-y. Just say 'given'.
Spoiler
The 'and' would imply they happened at the same time. Replace it with 'until she'.
Spoiler
These dashes should really be commas.
Spoiler
Same here.
The rest was fine.
And I have to say, this was miles better than the first part. I really do hope you keep up this improvement, not only with your grammar, but with the story as well. I felt more connected with the characters, a feeling that was non-existant in the previous part. Please keep me updated, I'd love to see how much better the next one is
Thank you for reviewing! And it didn't seem lazy at all. All advice taken on board as usual!