First there was a house.
Then there was a boy.
And then came the accident.
For the seventh day of the seventh month, the air had a cruel bite to it. But it was one of those welcome bites, especially in contrast to the heavy heated air of the car.
‘Sometimes I struggle to tell the difference with you,’ the driver - Samuel - grinned reluctantly.
‘What do you mean?’ asked the boy.
‘What I mean is: sometimes you act more like a dog than a boy. For the fifth time, Danny, your ears won’t flap in the wind. No matter how far you stick your head out of the window.’
The boy - Danny - drew his head back in to the warmth. ‘That’s better,’ the driver said.
‘Wasn’t doing it ‘cause you asked me to,’ Danny protested.
‘No? Then why?’
‘My neck was beginning to ache, that’s all.’
Sixty. Sixty one. Sixty two. Danny’s vision shifted between the speedometer and the blur of trees and cars beside him - anything more than thirty miles per hour was breakneck, at least in comparison to the winding country roads he was used to. But this journey was not alien to him.
‘Dad,’ he began in his curious way, ‘how long is it ‘till we get there?’
‘Only twenty more minutes, mate.’
Danny struggled to comprehend his father’s liberal use of the word ‘only’, but then he remembered: time moves faster for grown ups. Twenty minutes felt like an age to a freshly turned six year old.
‘Are we going to do this every weekend from now on?’ he asked over the spluttering engine.
‘I’m not sure. Maybe,’ Samuel glanced to his son via the wing mirror. ‘Unless you don’t like it.’
‘I do like it,’ Danny lied instantly, even though he had been informed many times the trouble that lying could get one into. He was happy to lie to his father, though, provided it was to preserve his happiness. It was quite simple really: if Danny was content, Samuel was too.
It seemed Danny’s lie (or ‘evasion of the truth’ as he preferred to call it), was too transparent. His father had caught on, it was present in his eyes. ‘You seemed to really enjoy the cricket last week,’ Samuel said, as he approached the roundabout, ‘today’s the big final. I thought it’d be a good way to spend your birthday, but we could always turn back and do something else?’
‘I’m happy, really.’
‘We could... I don’t know, get some ice cream, go back home and try out one of your new toy cars?’
‘Dad, really-’ Danny’s voice grew louder. His father’s persistence in such matters, although admittedly irritating, was admirable: Samuel continued to formulate a list of alternatives to the cricket match, perhaps for his own peace of mind more than his son’s - who, meanwhile, had returned to surveying the stream of traffic beside him.
‘I loved the cricket last week,’ Danny said bluntly, drawing with his finger on the glass he had just breathed on. Finally, the steady flow of suggestions had been stemmed. The grumble of the engine never seemed so tranquil.
As they pulled up to another roundabout, Danny peered from a distance at his masterpiece on the window: friendly figures waved to him, oblivious to the quickly fading breath that had kept them alive. They were gone, their place taken by cars pouring into every free space on the road. But the cars were too eager... and that was all it took. Somebody ahead had pulled out too soon.
Danny saw.
He yelled.
But it was too late.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I’m going to review your work. ☺
This needs to be speech marks rather than quotations. I won’t correct the rest though.
Said is such a boring word.
You’ve made few errors and this is very well written. The only complication I have is giving the father three different names in the space of a couple of pages of writing makes it confusing.
I can’t wait to read the next chapter though!
Three different names? Sorry if I caused any confusion there, the only two characters are Danny and his father Samuel. Thanks anyway for your review, it's great to hear other people's thoughts and advice that I can take on board!
Hello there ^^
I figured I could review this piece of writing, since it caught my attention at the first glance.
Now, what I did like, was the way you portrayed the father - he really seems like a dad to a six-year old. The dialogue is also good, flows nicely and sounds believable. I can imagine hearing them talk like that.
However, I can't imagine them in a proper way, since you gave us no description at all as to what the characters look like. I understand, it's only the beginning, and info dumps are never (or very rarely) a good option when it comes to describing characters.. But I would like to see at least hints of description. It is very important to have it, and it's hard for the readers to "enter" your novel when they don't have any of those to hold on to.
I know you could write in a more descriptive way - because, when it comes to atmosphere, you do use some very nice imagery.
The way you describe the contrast of the temperature outside and in the car, the tranquil grumble of the engine.. All those are nice details, yet you're giving us a painfully low amount of those.
Also, if I may, I would suggest you to use proper quotation marks - I am aware that the ' can work as well, but when it comes to so much dialogue, I prefer seeing ".
All in all, this is very good. You get it right with the dialogue and the characterization (as much as in this relatively short piece you could get into it), and I will certainly read the second part. Your descriptions of characters are lacking, and those of the atmosphere could use some more work, or, better said, could use being used more. Other than that, I have nothing bad to say, as I did enjoy reading it.
I hope that helped, at least a little, and keep writing (as I'm pretty sure you will) :3
Kind regards,
Aria~
Thanks so much for all your reviews! You've given me some really great ideas on how I can make this piece more immersive for the reader. I will definitely consider editing/adding extra details as you suggested!
Best Wishes,
JOV
Okay, I really feel for Danny, I see him as a kid. It isn't easy to write a story and make it seem like the kid in the story really is a kid, that he acts like one is essential.
And you did a good job there.
I can fit myself into this story very well, and I like that, it's something that you can't do with a lot of stories.
Your grammar is exquisite, and the way Samuel thinks and acts is really like a father to son thing, very nice work there.
Note: Try to use '"'s' instead of just '''s' Okay. if That made any sense.
Also, try to capitalize more of your first letters, it would be more proper.
Nice to hear your thoughts - glad to hear you enjoyed it, and I'll look at editing the work now based on your suggestions.
Thanks so much!
JOV
Hey JOV!
For the seventh day
bite to it. But it was
the driver - Samuel - grinned
‘That’s better,’ the driver said.
wing mirror.
‘You seemed to really enjoy the cricket last week,’
Veeren here to point out all the errors in your writing, please don't hate me.
Spoiler
'For' should be 'on'.
Spoiler
That period should be a comma.
Spoiler
Those dashes should be commas.
Spoiler
This should be it's own line.
Spoiler
The period should be a comma.
Spoiler
This should start the new paragraph.
The rest is fine.
And the story was beautiful. I LOVED the ending and thought it was really well done
I hope I see more from you, so keep on writing
I don't hate you at all - your advice was all really helpful!
I've edited my version based on your suggestions. I knew the part after "wing mirror" wasn't reading right without the comma, so thanks particularly for that! I of course made the other adjustments based on what you said as well. And it's great to hear you loved the ending, and as for your last words, more is definitely coming. Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
This story sets off at (First there was a house.
Then there was a boy.
And then came the accident.) That's sound good and every thing that you did here is awesome. Well, I think for letting me read it and review. I'm good at Fantasy, Horror, and mystery. Your grammar is great. Now you want to improve more on a story go on meet the authors or improve in writing......... you need improve verbs that helps you and the title that helps your make a story........ You need a picture that helps you.......like, Plot, body, body, conclusion.
If you read this comment go on my profile pages ok
Thank you for your review! I'll definitely check it out!
Thank you
First of all, nice work. This story was interesting but like Sherlock said you need to add something to the story that allows the readers to get more emotionally attached to Danny so the reader will feel for him when his dad dies. But other than that I liked the story so far. It's interesting and not a total bore. I look forward to reading more. Good job and good luck!
Advice taken on board - I will hopefully be posting more tidbits soon; I'll let you know more if/when I do. Thanks!
The story's premise was lovely. I'd liked more fleshing out of the characters, I liked Danny but I didn't really feel for him when he died, maybe cause the story really needed a long, heart to heart between Father and Son. It definitely would made me empathise more.
Good Job over all, though.
Peace Out.
Sherlock.
Thank you for your reply! Although I didn't quite make it clear, Samuel is the only character that dies - this is part of the set up for Danny. We will also find out more about his father later throughout the book.
Thanks for taking the time to write a review!