Published September 6, 2009
I want the world to go away.
The bustling cities,
The quiet woodlands,
From the deafening to the silent.
All the smells,
All the tastes,
All the feelings.
I want to be surrounded by blackness, a dark void,
And I want to be at peace.
I want to be free.
Free from death, free of emotion, free of thought.
I want to be deaf and blind and numb.
But I can't.
Melodies race through my head
And their dissonant harmonies vibrate through my bones.
I feel a single quavering note
Wash against my consciousness,
Smooth, supple, almost liquid.
Vibrant colors crash down upon my mind like waves,
Swirling, glittering, mixing
To form hues I've never seen before.
Patterns dance before my eyes,
Zipping all around,
Darting from place to place like bees,
Never still.
Sunlight warms my skin,
And swaying tall grasses caress my fingertips.
The wind stirs hair across my face,
Tickling my cheek.
The blessings of life, and the curses.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,389 Reviews
Actually, if it makes you feel better, this isn't what I would describe as 'emo' because that's something entirely different. This was done fairly well.
You didn't go overboard with any sappy emotions that are way overkill. You paced it excellently, and dare I say it, diction was very good. I don't wanna come off as arrogant or anything, but this reads like something I would've written a year ago. It's cool. Nice job on the work.
Hi JK,
Look, having a disclaimer at the start of any poem is never good. It should stand or fall on its own. Take this emo-warning out.
So far, this is horribly cliched. You start with a vague opening and it doesn't get any better from then on. Yes, cities are bustling, woodlands are quiet and serene. These are all descriptions that we've heard before and you're not adding anything to them. Are we supposed to be surprised by this? Nod our heads understandingly? It's all been said before.
The rest of that first part isn't good either. Smells, tastes, and feelings. These are senses. What of it? Are you simply trying to emphasize that you can "sense" it? If so, you're trying much too hard and wasting three lines on something that can be said in one.
A void is generally pretty peaceful, unless you can specifically show the reader why it isn't. Describe this black hole; make note of the chaos, the screams, the storm. Something. Anything.
This is definitely an improvement from the beginning although it has problems of its own. The "But I can't" stands out as an ugly sore thumb; we can already tell that you can't, considering that you heavily implied it in the previous lines. Why say it so plainly and so bare, and furthermore in its own line? It adds a weight to the statement that's unnecessary.
For someone claiming to see these vibrant, ceaseless and rapid colors flitting around you, it doesn't seem that way by your poem's format. It's very choppy, not the fluid swirling mass that's described in the content. The last line, especially, is disconcerting, almost ironic. Considering merging some of those lines together to make it flow better.
Very abrupt ending and not altogether satisfying one. So...what about this? You didn't manage to connect with any of your past symbols; it was as if you wanted to stop the poem in a hurry and so threw in an ending stanza. While this may not be the case, the erratic halting of the poem seems to suggest so. Talk about what you've talked about before and clarify it, give it a new spin, give the reader something to think about. The void is a good symbol to use here.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
By the way, I don't think that you should be worried about us thinking about this piece being emo. Emo means nothing. And I'm sure that we've all had our moments...
-Shanan-cat
Hey, that's alright. Sometimes emo poems, if they aren't over done, can actually be the most beautiful of all.
I think thatyou would be best off replacing the period with a semi-colon. Because your listing the qualities of the world in the second sentence, and it's actually a fragment because there is no subject. It would flow a little nicer because the narrator of the poem would be listing all the things that they don't like abut the world and or saying what parts they want to go away
This is prety good, except I think itwould be better if you started this off with 'from the bustling cities' instead of what you have now. And I'm not quite sure about what you mean by 'deafening to the silent.' 1 - I'm not sure that deafening is a word and 2 - you've ben listing places. I'm not sure tht silent is a place. In additiion, there should be a commma after silent.
You don't need 'by blackness,' and 'a dark void', so just pick one of them to keep when you revise this.
If you're reffering to the disease that Helen Keller had, it would be 'Blind, deaf and dumb,' not numb.
There would be a comma after 'head', and then you should delete the 'and.' This phrase also left me a little confused. What do you mean by 'Melodies'? Literal Music, or something else? Like, a lot of nature is compared to 'being like music,' but that's usually if the character likes the nature, and your narrator obviously does not. So, be more specific on this one, please.
Only gramatical errors here - 'wash against my consciousness,' I know what your trying to say, but it dosen't seem to make much sense in the context that you put it in. Try something like 'wash against my body, making me conscious,' or something lke that. There should be a semi colon after 'conciousness,' and add 'it is' before smooth.
What do these colors represent? Colors are not things, they are qualities, adjectives. Are the stars? The sky? Tones of the shining sun?
Should be: Sunlight warms my skin. I think that was a typo.
What about them? Maybe you could write something along the lines of: In life, there are blessings to balance out the curses.
You should probably delete the smiley face.
Okay, overall, I thought that this was good, but hard to follow. You had a cute message in your poem, but the scene transistions were a little sloppy. Where was your narrator? With the waves analogy, I thought he was lying on the beach, but then I was thrown off by the grass line. Even hough I understood your message, you might want to make it a little bit clearer, because it might be hard for some people to pick out.
PM me if you have any questions.
HI JK!!
Welcome to YWS
I'll tell you, you were right the beginning of the poem it's not so good, it has no shape and little rythm, you have to check it. Then something else, since all the verses begin with capital letters, it is hard to tell where the punctuation goes.
I think that here, you should put something else, like from the deafening screams to the silent sleep. This is just an easy example.
this doesn't sound right. It makes the rhythm get lost. Try something like:
.
I think that instead of to form you should change the verb tense and put forming.
Typo. my skin
The first part is good but when it says the curses it stops the flowing idea. look at this.
The blessings of life, and the curses of death. This is quite dark,darker than the whole poem I know (lol) but it's just an easy example of it.
if you erased dark void and and the poem would flow more naturally because the other part begins with I want to be... so it will sound a little better.
The whole poem changes the subject from totally depressing and almost giving up on life to completely optimistic. I liked your poem, maybe you have to put some more image and feeling to it, correct some things. It is very good and as I always say, this are just my opinions and you can ignore them.
PM if you need something
Pudin