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Bakit Ang Kyot Mo (A Unique Salonga Fan Fiction)

by JEAN_447


Kabanata-1

Bigla akong nagising nang may nararamdaman na malakas na hampas ng unan sa mukha ko

"ATEEEEEEE!!!! GISING!!!!NA!!!!!"

patuloy na pa hampas ng six years old sister ko

"UOYYYYY OO NA!!!!!"

hinila ko ang aking unan na pinang hampas niya at umupo sa gilid ng aking higaan, i rubbed my eyes and nag unat na parang pusa umupo si Alleiana sa tabi ko at sinubukan akong akbayan

"Ate alam mo lagi nalang kitang naririnig na umiiyak every night ok ka lang ba??"

yessssss umiiyak ako every night because of my boyfriend na now my ex na si Daniel Zildjian Benitez, and yes he is my EX, the famous Zild from the band 'IV OF SPADES' and i perfectly remember kung paano kami nagkakilala, JUST TO BE EXCACT. EX . EX KO NA SIYA, its because he cheated on me at parang masaya pa ata siya nang nafullfill naniya yung pag che-cheat sa akin.

Inakbayan ko nalang si Alleiana at sinabing

"Wala yun beh nag iinarte lang ang ate mo alam mo na hindi nanaman nakapunta sa gig ng paborito niyang banda..."

sinabi ko nalang sakanya yan kasi may pagka sumbungera yan eh pag may nasabing masama, sumbong dun sumbong dyan, pag may nagawang masama, sumbong doon sumbong diyan, kaya i decided to keep it a secret, ayaw ko pa naman na malaman nila mom at dad na break na kami, it's been weeks na di pa ako nakaka move one, tumayo ako at binatukan siya ng mahina at tumkbo pababa patungo ng kusina

"ATEEEEEE!!!!"

narinig ko ang sigaw niya ako ay natawa nalang nang biglang sabi ni mom "Y/F/N!!!!!!, ano nanaman ba ang pinag gagawa mo sa ading mo, ikawa na bata ka may pagka isip bata ka pa din talaga ang tanda tanda mo na!!"

"Hindi naman ganun katanda"

sumimangot nalang ako at ngumuso na parang bata, yazz i know im 19 years old but im still acting like a child pero ginagawa ko lang yon para mapalitan ang mga bahid ng pait ng mga guhit ng matatamis at mapanglokong mga ngiti.....

"O anak did you already invited Zild and your friend diba yata sasama daw sila sa probinsya??"

muntikan ko ng mabitawan ang aking kubyertos na hawak hawak nang binigkas ng aking dad ang pangalan na iyon

"Ahhh sige po dad ako na po bahala doon"

habang sinubukan kong ngumiti kahit tila napahida ng asin ang aking sugat na hindi pa naghilom...

Pag tapos namin kumain ng fam pumasok ako sa kwarto ko at nagbanyo pinagiisipan ang gagawin ko humarap ako sa salamin at inayos ang mukha ko, tinitigan ko ang aking repleksion

"Uyy ano ba mumsh tama ba to?, pero makikita mo siya doon??, paano kung mainlove ka ulit sakanya???"

heto nanaman si ate gurl ehh masyadong exaggerated hindi pa nga nangyayare ehh...

"Ok Y/n....for the last time he cheated on you and wala na kayo mas pinili niyang iwanan ka kaysa maging kapiling ka kaya let's go gurll move on ka, chill deep breaths..."

utos ko sa aking sarili na nag sisimulang mag hyperventilate, ikinalma ko ang aking sarili at nag handa para sa pag punta sa kanilang practice...here we go, ako ay naligo at nag palit ng aking isusuot namili lang ako ng simpleng kasuutan loose white shirt at hanggang tuhod na pants, sa pag labas ko ng kwarto ko hinablot ko ang bag ko ay lumabas ng bahay patungo sa kanilang pag eensayo.

On my way sa condo nila i went to a store to buy some foods, malay mo gutom yung mga yon..., as i was about to took a sip at my coffee someone bumped behind my back so the coffee spilled all over my shirt.

//Someones//

I was scrolling through my phone while walking to the counter to pay the foods na pinabili ng mga kabanda ko, inayos ko ang aking salamin at hindi ko na namalayan na meron palang tao sa harap ko na hindi ko sinasadyang mabangga, narinig ko ang kanyang boses at sa dahilan ng pagiging tanga ko i looked at her and apologized

"Oh mY miss pasensya ka na.."

at bigla akong napatingin sakaniyang mukha, bigla akong nagulat sa nakita ng aking mga mata nang makita ko si...

//Y/n//

I groaned and pinunasan ko yung white shirt ko na ngayon ay isa nang dark brown na shirt

"shoot, shoot, shoot!!"

ito ay pinag pag ko at nang titingin na sana ako sa nakabangga saakin bigla itong lumakad sa harapan ko at nag sorry

"Oh my miss pasensya ka na.."

pag tingin niya nan laki ang mga nakita ng mata ko....

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Dear to you

mga kafelloe spaders out there nanagbabasa nito alam ko late ko na nalaman na umalis na si Unique pero sana magustuhan ninyo ang aking first IV OF SPADES fanfiction

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Your's truly Akoayspader.... :3


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Mon Nov 16, 2020 3:34 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi, JEAN_447! I'm don't know Filipino, so I apologize in advance if any of my review misinterprets the actual content of your fanfiction. Google Translate isn't the best at translating works. But I'm a big fan of fanfiction and saw this was the first work you posted on YWS, so I really wanted to try my hand at reviewing it anyways. <3

Before I translated the fic, I did notice something about your dialogue. I'm not sure if this is a difference between English and Filipino, but dialogue usually isn't in bold. If that's a stylistic choice you love, go for it! Fanfiction is a great place to explore new styles of writing. But the quotation marks before and after a piece of dialogue already indicates that something is being spoken to the reader, so you don't need to worry about drawing their attention to it.

Now onto the actual story!

Since I was relying on Google Translate to read your fic, I'll skip over discussing word choice - Google Translate doesn't always perfectly translate the words, so I'm not sure that part of my review would be all that helpful. Instead, I'll focus on the plot.

From what I read so far, it looks like Y/N was dating Zild, a member of a famous band. Y/N and Zild broke up because they kept getting into arguments. But because Y/N hasn't told anyone that they broke up, she now has to deal with her family inviting Zild over. I admittedly don't read band fanfictions or Y/N fanfictions all that much, so I'm not entirely sure how common this plot is. But from the little I do know about those kinds of fics, this seems like it has a unique (pun not intended) plot! The story usually starts before the characters are dating, rather than after they've broken up. I don't know anything about the IV of Spades band Zild is a part of, but I can't help but wonder if Y/N and Zild are going to get back together - or if Y/N is going to end up with someone else in the band.

I also like how mundane this first chapter was. Even though the Y/N is presumably important because of who she dated, this first chapter shows a relatively normal life: a cat (who I desperately want to hear more about), a younger sister, parents, and a daily routine that involves getting ready and going shopping. We've only just been introduced to Y/N, but I already feel like I've gotten a good grasp on her personality.

Critiques-wise, I noticed you switched between Filipino and English throughout the fic. If that's considered normal in Filipino culture, please ignore this comment - I just thought it would be good to bring it up. It was a little jarring seeing the switch from Filipino to English when I was scanning this work before putting it in Google Translate, so it might be a good idea to stick to one language in the work.

(If you want to use both English and Filipino, you can always post it first in Filipino and then in English with some kind of line break to separate the two sections! That might also help non-Filipino speakers on YWS read and review your work; YWS has mostly English speakers on it.)

I also noticed you had a perspective shift in the middle of the chapter. Shifting points of view is a great way to build up suspense, but I think that the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter would have a stronger impact if you wait to shift perspectives until after the coffee spills onto Y/N's shirt. Nothing is really lost if you remove the mysterious someone's perspective from the middle of this chapter; the reader can still get the bigger picture of Y/N bumping into someone while she's running errands. By removing that perspective - which hints at the someone being part of a band - you're able to give the reader even less to work with when Y/N trails off about who she saw.

If you really want to write from that second character's perspective, you can start off the second chapter with it and give the reader a quick summary of what happened through that someone's eyes - how they were shopping for food for their band, how they bumped into Y/N and what their reaction was when they saw it was Y/N. It also gives you the perfect opportunity to describe Y/N from an outsider's perspective.

(Sticking to one perspective per chapter is also a way to avoid turning off the reader. Suddenly switching between perspectives can be jarring and confusing, so it's good to either make the transition clear-cut or just stick to switching perspectives at the start of a new chapter!)

I wish I knew Filipino so I could give a more helpful review, but hopefully some of what I said helps you revise this chapter and gives you some ideas for your next chapter! Let me know if you have any questions about anything in my review. :)




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Sun Nov 15, 2020 8:30 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hi there, i decided to help you by translating this into English since that is the main language used on this site, so that more of us can read it! I used google translate which obviously is not the best way, so please feel free to correct me!

I suddenly woke up with a strong pillow blow on my face

"ATEEEEEEE !!!! WAKE UP !!!! NOW !!!!!"

my six year old sister continues to beat me

"UOYYYYY YES !!!!!"

I pulled my pillow that he hit and sat on the side of my bed, I rubbed my eyes and stretched like a cat Alleiana sat next to me and tried to hug me

"Ate you know I always hear you crying every night are you ok ??"

yessssss I cry every night because of my boyfriend now my ex Daniel Zildjian Benitez, and yes he is my EX, the famous Zild from the band 'IV OF SPADES' and i perfectly remember how we met, JUST TO BE EXCACT . EX. HE IS MY EX, its because he cheated on me and he seemed to be happy when he completely cheated on me.

I just put my arm around Alleiana and said

"It's not like your sister is just acting, you know she never went to the gig of her favorite band ..."

I just told him that because there is a compliment, eh, when something is said badly, complain there, complain there, when something is done wrong, complain there, complain there, so I decided to keep it a secret, I still don't want them to know mom and dad we broke up, it's been weeks since I was able to move one, I stood up and kicked him softly and ran down towards the kitchen
I just told him that because he has a complaint, eh, when something is said badly, complain there, complain there, when something is done wrong, complain there, complain there, so I decided to keep it a secret, I still don't want them to know mom and dad we broke up, it's been weeks since I was able to move one, I stood up and kicked him softly and ran down towards the kitchen

"ATEEEEEE !!!!"

I heard her shout I just laughed when mom suddenly said "Y / F / N !!!!!! the sign is your sign !! "

"It's not that old"

I just frowned and sniffed like a child, yazz I know I'm 19 years old but I'm still acting like a child but I'm just doing that to replace the bitter stains with drawings of sweet and mischievous smiles .....

"O son did you already invited Zild and your friend did they think they would come to the province ??"

I almost let go of my cutlery holding my dad when my dad said that name

"Ahhh go ahead dad I'll take care of it"

as I tried to smile even though it seemed like salt had applied to my wound that had not yet healed ...

When we finished eating fam I went into my room and took a shower thinking about what to do I looked in the mirror and adjusted my face, I stared at my reflection

"Uyy what is mumsh is that right ?, but you can see him there ??, what if you mainlove him again ???"

heto nanaman si ate gurl ehh masyadong exaggerated hindi pa nga nangyayare ehh
"Ok Y / n .... for the last time he cheated on you and you have nothing more he chose to leave you than to be with you so let's go gurll move on you, chill deep breaths ..."

I ordered myself to start hyperventilating, I calmed myself down and got ready to go to their practice ... here we go, I took a bath and changed my clothes I just bought a simple loose white costume shirt and knee-length pants, when I came out of my room I grabbed my bag and went out of the house to their rehearsal.

On my way to their condo I went to a store to buy some foods, you know those guys are hungry ..., as I was about to take a sip at my coffee someone bumped behind my back so the coffee spilled all over my shirt .

// Someones //

I was scrolling through my phone while walking to the counter to pay for the foods my bands bought, I adjusted my glasses and I did not realize that there was someone in front of me that I accidentally collided with, I heard his voice and because of my stupidity i looked at her and apologized

"Oh mY miss I'm sorry .."

and I suddenly looked at his face, I was suddenly surprised by what my eyes saw when I saw ...

// Y / n //

I groaned and wiped my white shirt which is now a dark brown shirt

"shoot, shoot, shoot !!"

it was my turn and when I was about to look at the one that hit me it suddenly walked in front of me and apologized

"Oh my miss, I'm sorry .."

when he looks at the size of what my eyes see ....
ear to you

kafelloe spaders out there reading this I know I found out late that Unique has left but I hope you like my first IV OF SPADES fanfiction

...........................

Hopefully this helps people to review your work. The translation is not perfect so maybe you can help?

I thought it was pretty well written and you got your characters across very well in such a short amount of time :-)

Keep writing!




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Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:06 pm
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Soccer23 says...



if you were to translate this to traditional english, then more readers would understand it, and it would get more reviews and likes and stars. It's really puzzling, this poem type thing. What language is it in? never heard of it, is the book itself english?

this is pretty cool though, will say. It's like a secret language!




JEAN_447 says...


It is in filipino language, thank you also for the suggestion



JEAN_447 says...


It is in filipino language, thank you also for the suggestion



Soccer23 says...


Oh wow! Do you speak it fluently, or did you forget to include google translate in your bibliography? Kidding XD



JEAN_447 says...


?



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Wed Oct 07, 2020 7:41 pm
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SpunkyMonkey says...





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NastyMajesty says...


LOL Right




Prometheus, thief of light, giver of light, bound by the gods, must have been a book.
— Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves