Why open your eyes
When you can sleep forever
Why bother living
When you'll just die anyway
Why try speaking up
When you'll only be ignored
So why don't you come with me
Deep inside you mind
Far away from reality
The world is a dark place
To dark to navigate through
There's no light in the end
Just a void of misery
Do you really want to live here?
You don't have to, you know
So why don't you come with me
We can run and hide
Far away from reality
You can make anything happen
As long as you don't leave this place
You can stay young forever
Dreaming about the impossible
You won't be lonely
There are tons of imaginary friends
So why would you want to leave
Stay in this perfect world
Far, far away from reality
A/N: For those of you who don't know, Maladapative Daydreaming (MD) is where someone daydreams to an extensive amount, which can usually cause stress and sometimes makes the victim loose sense of reality. MD can be different for everyone, varying in severity like pretty much ever mental disorder, but this is just how I feel with it( now that I'm almost positive I have MD).
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think the main issue I'm having with this is how dull it is. It's an interesting idea, and I think I like the concept. But it doesn't give me that sort of 'wow! this is so original' factor that does very well with poetry, or anything for that matter.
It's almost awkward reading because of how many times I've seen things like this: typical, mysterious and lacks good imagery. And for this type of thing especially I want to see imagery that gives more of an impact on me instead of just, "this happened, this happened, the end." You can get away with a ton of awesome mind/stillness imagery in here that can change that kind of dullness.
The other thing I really didn't like was the repetition. It's like, you have an objective, right? You know where you want to go with this poem. But you've taken the initial prompt -the title- and repeated it over and over, which is really boring. Especially with the very last line, you just added an extra word for more emphasis, but it didn't have a real impact because you'd used it so often already.
I did like the little educational snip-bit at the end, though it was out of place. Now I learned a thing. So that's good.
Read through it, edit it at least twice or three times.
-amelie.
Alright, thanks for the review
Hey Ivywater,
First Impressions: It's nothing spectacular, but it's got an interesting feel about it. I'd stick it with "Dream Within a Dream," but of course not quite the same quality, because it's hard to stick anything up there with the Greats.
Positives: The path of your poem is consistent and flows well, top to bottom and doesn't have any broken interjections sticking in there, which is important for this piece because you're wanting it to feel like you're being lulled into, well, what else but a dream.
It's also easy to read, both physically and mentally. You can pull what the author is trying to say quite easily, which is always good because it doesn't leave me in the dark.
Negatives: The lack of punctuation is sort of nagging at me. I may just be overly technical about that, but it's still the "proper" way to do things. I feel that an addition as simple as periods and commas in the right place will go a long way.
Why would I want to leave? Well, to be honest there's not exactly a ton that's pulling me to stay, either. Being young forever; never being lonely, these are all good things, but I'm not sure if they would convince me to leave this world for another. I suppose that some might have instant desire, but then, I don't know if those are the kinds of people that you want here anyways.
This, to me, seems to be lacking some artistic expression that would excite and draw me to your poem, and hence to this world that you want me to go to. There's not much art here, so it seems a little drab.
I was also thinking that there is no irony to it, either. You tell me it's perfect, but there doesn't seem to be a cost. Life, of course, isn't really like that, so this poem sort of breaks the code and travels away from what is actually possible. It's a simple thing, but it jumped out at me.
Overall: I enjoyed it, and I think that it's just classic, simplistic poetry in it's natural form. I would love to see this spiced up a bit, though, and with some more powerful thrusts into the artistic and aesthetic nature of things.
I give it:
Thanks for the review, To be completely honest, I didn't spend nearly enough time as I probably should have spent on it.
I will be working on it, I just wanted to get someone to review this without asking "are you depressed" or "So...you have a mental disorder, shouldn't get that checked out?".
So yeah, thanks again.
Okay, sounds like you've got a plan then. I've got faith that you'll edit this into something good. If you ever want me to look at it again, just PM me, or post on my wall.
Alright, sounds good.