I Try
I Try and Cry
I Try and Cry and Bleed
I Try and Cry and Bleed and Die
I Try and Cry and Bleed and Die and ask myself why.
Why Try and Cry and Bleed and Die?
Why Try and Cry and Bleed?
Why Try and Cry?
Why Try?
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139,298 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Overall thoughts
Theme: I'm really in two minds when it comes to this lyric. On the one side I think it's rather clever the way you've laid it out and I like the message it's sending out.
On the other hand though, I just feel that it's a bit plain. You repeat the same words over and over again. But again there's a reason to why you laid it out that way.
Rhythm: Maybe try to take out all but the last "and" in each line and replace it with a comma. Like this.
It's just a suggestion. I feel that it would make the poem flow a bit better. Every time I come to an "and" I mentally pause where if I was reading it aloud I'd take a breath. This stunts the flow and end's up making the poem drag on.
Description: Well as for description there's none to be had in this poem. This is why I'm in two minds about it. I general criticize poems that don't have any description, but putting more words into your poem would destroy the interesting flow and the way you get to the point of the poem. So I guess I wouldn't really change anything in this department.
Title: Okay now onto the title. I was debating this one. While I like the one you have, I just feel that it doesn't invite people in as it's a bit boring. I'm not sure how to fix this one as this title does basically center around your poem. I do have two suggestions and You can decide if you want to use the or note.
Personally I think the second one would be better as it's asking your readers a question and is provoking them. This makes for a more inviting title.
Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
I like it!It's a beautiful play on words. Short, but a very fun read.
Nice work! I really liked this keep writing!
Hi!
Hope this helped.
So, here’s my take on the piece.
I understand it’s a parody of a song. When we make parodies of songs, the lyrics we use to replace the original ones should have the same beat and most of the time the same syllabication. It’s like writing poetry in specific scansion (i.e. iambic tetrameter, Shakespearean sonnets).
Being a fan of the song, I pretty much memorize the entire thing and I noticed that some of the lines did not match fit the original lines.
I’ll use your first line as an example.
“If there’s a medal for flunks.” That entire line is seven syllables. The original line, “If there’s a prize for rotten judgement” was nine (9) syllables longs. So, you’re two syllables short. If you match your first line with the accompaniment to make it a parody, you won’t be able to sing the first line. It would be an awkward fit.
To fix this, you could either add two syllables of change the wording. Or, you could change the way it’s sung, making other words longer and minimalizing the others.
My second concern is the amount of grammatical errors. I know, the original of the song omitted a lot of last letters for words (i.e. kidding). But, that doesn’t really mean that the words themselves were spelled that way when the writers wrote the lyrics. The omission of certain letters could have been the interpretation the actors playing the characters or it just wasn’t emphasized enough when they sang it
In line with that, here are some corrections (grammar and punctuation wise) you could make:
1. That’s mythology, been there, wrote that – That’s mythology – been there, wrote that!
2. Who d’you think you’re kidden’ – Who’d you think you’re kiddin’
3. Try to keep on printin – Try to keep on printin’
4. Honey it won’t last long – Honey, it won’t last long
5. What’re thinking of – Who (What) you’re thinking of?
6. It’s a cliché, the story’s a mess – It’s a cliché; the story’s a mess
7. Baby we’re not buying – Baby, we’re not buying
8. Hon we saw you rip the page – Hon, we saw you rip the page
9. Writer don’t be balky, it’s ok to mess up – Writer, don’t be balky; it’s okay to mess up
Other than that, I’d say this was a pretty good parody. Keep it up!