So long, so long, bid the wind
If it could say a word to help me find
Some solace among the wintery turf
Underneath, underneath 6 and 2
Underneath 6 and 2 and nothing more
Is where I talk and talk to no one else
No one but you, my friend, my friend once
And my friend forever, now no more.
Under the dirt, these bones run sore
Like straw, they bend to worms and root alike
And thaw out their strength once and for all
For all the Earth to drink from it’s basin
The trials of life given no heed nor meaning
Just as I did, the rest of the woodwork follows
Just as I watch you trickle away, so did it
And just as I saw the gore pour it’s last
It just so happened to join me,
No bourbon is strong enough
To dull the mourning and wailing
O’ that vermillion dagger
That has come to puncture my heart
The corners of the world have folded
Over this guilt that no one else has
But I am not guilty in my ways, no
I couldn’t never be so in my soul
To slaughter the foal so young
To slaughter a friend most true
To fold them into a white swan
And let them fly into the abyss,
You knew what was right from
What was wrong then, maybe even now
As the open gnaws away and away
And maybe I never knew it
Maybe I just lost along the way
And I just took you for a ride
That you never got off of
And maybe now you dream
As I dream now, of a world
Made better by my hands
But I know that exists no more
And now nothing but the shores of fire
In that place with no light
Shall await me when I tire of it all
When the world’s corners collapse in
And the burning flesh stops wasting
In the recesses of my mind
Where surely my soul has been taken away
Cast aside again to never renew
The same as your way, I’m sure
And when it does, surely I’ll fade
I’ll fade away like the stars of night
When the Sun comes to drown them all out
And maybe, the next time, surely the next time
That we come as one in friendship
You’ll sell me for a pocket full of dreams
It matters not, it matters not
I’m sure and I’m unsure of that fact
And I’m sure that there’s no tack
Nor beast made tame by man
That could drag me far enough
To where I could clear my mind
To make the royalty that my mind
Has made of you, my poorest friend
Fade like ash, and fall like a guillotine
I know I wish it would, I know I’d beg
And beg till the strings in my throat broke
Leaving me with no treacherous word to say
To Apesia, I know you walk and walk
To Apesia, where I’ll go to wander
To Apesia, where you’ll find your peace
To Apesia, a place I’ll never go
And to a friend I’ll never have again.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Oh lovely word choice in here. I enjoyed reading this.
A recurring issue I saw in a few lines is a misplaced "it's" vs "its" -> remember "it's" is the contraction for "it is" while "its" is already possessive and doesn't need an extra apostrophe.
I like the drama of the final 6 lines where it felt like the poem built up to this crescendo of emotion for the speaker, amplified with the repetition of "To Apesia,... " and then that final strikingly sad line "And to a friend I'll never have again"
A spot I didn't think the repetition worked quite as well was in this couplet:
the repetition actually made me stumble a bit in being not sure what was being said - I think I'd use a synonym in that place personally.
For me the poem was leaning towards a bit long, but I did like that you utilized imagery and sound-devices quite frequently to make the poem come alive, and that did enliven the reading quite a bit. A technique that you might try to incorporate to take the poem up even one more notch would be to have some of that imagery go through the whole poem as more of a motif rather than a once-mentioned piece. (ie. the dagger could re-appear, or you could insert some sort of symbol that appears a couple times like a star, or bird, or boat metaphor/image). You have a little bit of one with the reference to the star and the Sun, maybe this could be woven in throughout the poem a bit more to create more continuity and interest.
Overall a real strength was your ability to use archaic language / phrasing without it feeling hollow or being difficult to understand - you still were able to communicate a lot of emotion with the more formal language and it was all very easy to follow - so the older language made the poem feel elevated instead of stuffy. Which I very much enjoyed, and know that I've seen authors struggle with before.
Unique poetic voice! Also I think that writing it as one long stanza, actually worked for this piece as there really weren't separate "movements" in the poem -> but splitting the poem up into stanzas might be something you want to experiment with a bit in the future as it can help give the reader almost a mental breather between scenes so that the poem is easier to read if it's more than 10-15 lines.
Thank you for sharing, and keep on writing!
alliyah
No Stanzas ? Strange, but not necessarily bad. You have such masterful control of your language, such refined and clearly stated points. The repetition helps to create an immersive quality to the poem.We all dream,we all aspire.I am reminded of a quote by Albus Dumbledore from your poem. "Just because it is in your head Harry,does not mean it's not real". Your poem is really lovely
LOVE the repetition. This is truly mesmerizing to read because I become so entangled in the words that hit me a second time. I love the emphasis and the way you engrain the words into the heart of the reader. Fantastic job. I also love the way you define a friend.
My only suggestion would be maybe trying stanzas (though I do love the run on feeling of the poem).