At a Midnight's approach
Waiting in the month of August
Where I had dreamt upon a late-summer's moon
As I had a dozen times past
But t'was different from 12 times past
For the arrival of the ides
Bore visions that I could not explain.
.
And Lo! By the heat's grand hand alone
Did lights fall upon me
Sinking me from here to there
And stranding me elsewhere
In a land beyond any man
A place I struggle to name
For only the mad could bestow a title
Upon a land of such lurid quality.
.
In the sky, a million birds gather in congress
Flying in the sky, blackening the sky
Spiraling outward into a tempest
Whose eye was either I or the ground
And as I look further, beyond the sky
Beyond the ground that lay below me
All that I could see were clouds
At all angles, enveloping and consuming
As the birds seemed to disperse out
And away into the clouds
Becoming but wispy figments
In the pushing storm before me,
.
I was caught in the trap once more
Swept away, lost in a dream once more
But as quickly as it took me over
Did it come to pass me over
To a foreign place of mind
Right foot, something smooth
Left foot, something harsh
And nothing more for the eyes.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This sounds like an interesting dream you had.I like all the sensory details in the poem.They make it really fun and imaginative.I liked it when the birds flew to the sky.It seemed very magical.I’ve had dreams that were detailed like that.I just never thought to make it a poem.I might try it next time.I hope you have a fantastic day/night.
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And welcome to YWS—I'm a junior moderator on this site, so feel free to ask me (or anyone else with a green username) any questions!
I enjoyed reading this poem!! I think it was truly dreamlike, in the way that it traveled to new, unexpected places in each stanza! You killed it with the unsettling imagery; that tempest of birds was a delight to read about, and, I reiterate, felt very dreamlike and otherworldly.
One thing I applaud you for was your consistent voice throughout. I don't really focus on voice when I write poetry, but I love the one you've adopted in this work! It felt both archaic and contemplative (not that those are mutually exclusive!) Your diction choices were suited well to both the voice and tone of the poem. I think a great example of that was the first part of your second stanza; the phrase "and lo!" felt very old-timey and like it could be used in a lot of classic epic poetry. Similarly, the mention of the "grand hand" (nice rhyme, by the way!) and the sentence strucutre of "did [something happen]" as opposed to just "[something happen]" felt very consistent with that old-timey feeling to it that really helped characterize the poem as something reminiscent of a poem one would have to study in school.
One thing I noticed was that there were some moments when it almost felt like you were trying to develop a pattern, but then abandoned it a few lines later. It was almost disappointing in a way, as it seemed like you were going to settle into something only to dispel it later. The end rhymes in stanza 2 with "there" and "elsewhere," rather than helping create a rhythm to the poem, as rhymes often do, drew me more out of it, since it was an isolated case of rhyme. I also think in your first stanza, ending the two lines with "dozen times past" and "12 times past" felt a little odd as well; I felt like that felt less intentional and more like you'd forgotten how you phrased the line and accidentally repeated it. The addition of the Arabic numeral also threw me off a bit, too, i think. I do like one instance of it in the poem, which I found at the end, with the repetition of "once more" in two lines and "me over" in the two following lines." I think that created a nice parallel and worked to improve the poem's flow.
Specifics
I enjoyed the soundplay with "eye/I" in this line.
I wondered whether you meant to end this stanza with a comma. All the others had periods at the end of them, and I feel like it might be better to keep it consistent throughout. In terms of the punctuation, too, it makes more sense to have a period there, I think.
Overall: nice work!! I like the narrative and atmosphere you've created using your engaging poetic voice in this work, and I hope to read more of your work soon! Once again, feel free to ask me any questions either about my review or the site in general! Until next time!!