(1 year ago)
We spent one last night under the stars. He held me close, not knowing that it might be the last time he held me in his arms. I lifted my head off his shoulder and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, then I got up, walked away, and never looked back.
(The Present)
“How are you?” asked Liz over the phone. “I’m okay, don’t worry about me”, I said softly, praying for her to believe me. Liz let out a soft sigh and let it drop.
Just after I hung up the phone, my mum walked into my bedroom asking if I wanted to go get ice cream. I looked up from my phone and shook my head slightly.
My mum came and sat on the corner of my bed. “What’s going on with you, Kat? You have been staying in your room more lately. If something is going on, you can tell me; you know that, right?”
My mum asked carefully. I put on a small smile and told her that nothing was going on, that I was just tired today, and that I was sorry.
As my Mum stood up and smiled. “Maybe tomorrow?” She asked hopefully,
"Maybe," I replied with the same small smile. Right when I heard the door close, I let the smile drop off my face as I pulled my knees to my chest and let out a small sigh.
After about 10 minutes, I came up with an idea, so I rolled over and opened the drawer next to my bed and pulled out a pen and paper. I slammed the drawer and clicked the pen open as I let the pen hover over the paper. I thought about what I should write. I thought about writing about him or writing about my mum or even my best friend Liz, after about 5 minutes of thinking, I decided on writing about my life.
2/9/2012
hi im kat but you know that already because your me i dont really know why im writing this i think its just because im hoping it makes this numbness go away i dont know whats wrong with me anymore but i hate it i hate feeling like nothing whenever somebody asks me to do something because i always say no because i feel to tired plus my friends just worry and worry since the breakup with Noah so now it’s not even fun to hangout with them anyways because if i let my stupid fake smile drop they start questioning me and asking if im okay and if they can help me in any way and im sick of people thinking im broken without him, people dont really get why noahand i broke up and stopped talking but its okay if people dont understand because they dont need to know my reasons and why I left him they dont need to know what he did with her, to her… anyways i didn’t start writing this so future me could fall back into this hazy life that i hate so so much so i guess whatever this whole writing thing was stupid anyway but i might make more anyways because they make me feel better about everything.
Kat out
After I finished writing, I folded the paper carefully and put it in the drawer next to my bed alongside the pen, and looked at the clock to see that the time was 9:37. Then I lay down and looked at the star stickers on my bedroom ceiling. I noticed for the first time that most emitted a soft green glow but some were also more blue, the difference in colors was only noticeable if you looked carefully. As I lay on my back, I think about everything and nothing at the same time. As I let my brain wander, I noticed myself thinking about Noah again, his smile, and how cute he was when he laughed, how he would tilt his head when he looked into my eyes. He looked so boyish yet so grown up at the same time. As I think about him, I feel a tear sliding down my cheek, and I start to realize how much I miss him. I know I made the right choice. He shouldn't have hurt her, he shouldn’t have hurt us, I think to myself while wiping away the stray tear that had fallen down my face. That night, I slowly started drifting off while thinking about him. The next morning, I woke up to the sun shining into my eyes. Just as I sat up, I heard a light knock on my door. “Hello, Kat, are you awake yet?” my Mum says quietly as if trying not to wake me.
“Yeah, Mum, I’m awake; you can come in,” I said, yawning.
“Good morning, KitKat. How are you?”
she asks while opening the door and slowly walking in. “ I’m tired, I say with a small smile.
“You're always tired, Kat,” replied my Mum.
“Well mum I am a growing girl after all” said Kat with a smile, hoping her mum would believe her. Just as my mum left the room her phone buzzed. I pick it up, thinking it was just Liz saying good morning. As I see the name on the screen I freeze, it was Noah asking if he can come pick up his stuff from my house…
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142,219 Literary Works • 677,034 Reviews
Hi! I normally review poetry so I decided to try something new! Thanks for suggesting your story. Alright, overall this has a lot of promise. There are some spelling and grammatical errors id like to point out though.
Okay, but into the review.
I think this is when she left him. He didn't know but she did. She left him with something small and sweet, a kiss. Then left. My one critique here is the sentence
Its a bit of a run on sentence. I'd add a period between cheek and then. It would flow smoother.
More grammatical errors here. It should be,
Truly small things. I did the same thing for months. Then someone brought it to my attention. It's a small thing that you can probably fix easily. And make sure every new dialogue is it's own line.
Same thing throughout until you reach this chunk.
We can see her dropping the smile and going back to her sorrow. You can't keep the smile on forever. This is really good! My only thing is maybe adding her thought process here. Why did she come up with the idea? What led to it?
She goes through all the options. The pen hovering is all too real and its a really nice detail. I think you could probably remove the "5 minutes" and just say "after thinking for a while" it would get the message across better than the literal numbers do. Same thing with the "10 minutes" earlier.
The no punctuation here is a really good idea. It's just a stream of her thoughts pouring onto the paper. There's a few typos throughout though and I'm not sure if they're intentional. If so it's a nice touch, but if not I'd probably fix them.
Imagery!! The image this creates is really nice. I think you could probably cut the sentence about noticing the time though. Unless it comes up later in this story.
The fact that she's hasn't noticed this before already established that it's not very noticable. Id cut the last half of the sentence.
Noah. He's got a name now. You slip in tense here. Think should be thought. But overall I've got nothing to say about this chunk.
Overall, I loved this. There's a few things that are distracting throughout but this has so much potential!
I'd love to see where this goes.
Keep living and writing
MrytleJinn
Thank you so much!
Hi! I don't usually review romance so I thought i would give something outside of my usual genre a chance.
The opening sets up a bit of mystery; Kat has decided to leave Noah, to make a choice not to be together. We don't know why, and that's the mystery being set up. Noah doesn't know this. I am very intrigued as to why she needs to.
There are some grammar/formatting issues I will point out, but I think the next part is still well written despite those. I think Kat is struggling, but since we don't know why she broke up with him, not even a hint, it confuses me that she made the 'right decision' but her diary shows that she is very, very upset. I know both can be true, but a small hint would really help. Especially since they are teenagers, I wonder what could be such a big issue. I really want to know! I think the scene with her mum could be expanded before the diary scene. Maybe we get a sense of what Kat looks like in the mirror, or what her room looks like, is she doing homework, what has she been doing with her life. I think the diary excerpt is really good, but a little choppy to stick right in the middle. It could be it's own chapter.
Lots of really exciting potential here!
This is a really beautiful opening, really sets the tone!
There's a few grammatical errors here. The a in asked should be lowercase, and there should be a period after me. And new speech by a new speaker should ALWAYS be on a new line.
"How are you?" asked Liz over the phone.
"I'm okay, don't worry about me," I said softly, praying for her to believe me. Liz let out a soft sigh and let it drop.
The same problems persist in this paragraph, but i'll show you how it should be formatted. Dialogue from a new person going on a new line is the most important, as otherwise it can be hard to read. When a dialogue tag follows on from the speech, like 'she said' or 'she asked' it needs to be a comma inside the speech and lowercase afterwards, as its the same part of the sentence. This is how you would correctly format, without changing any of your words:
I like this diary entry. It's a nice touch, and here you don't need proper grammar because it's an emotional strea, of consciousness. It's really well written here!
Isn't the whole point of these stickers that they glow green? Or did she buy different ones and not expect them to glow? I'm picturing those ones every kid ever has had in their room! I like the idea and writing here though.
Relize = should be realize. (or realise if you're in the UK)
I would put a period after 'I miss him' and start a new sentence and a comma after: I know I made the right choice
Keep writing! I'm excited to know what happens next
Thank you so much! This is my first review and also my first story
I changed the grammar mistakes, and I'm going to put another page out soon.
THIS HAS AMAZING POTENTIAL!!
I'm intrigued, to say the least; my interest has been piqued. This kinda gives me the same vibe as the book "We Contain Multitudes" by Sarah Henstra or the movies "Voicemails to Isabel" and "10 Things I Hate About You". im excited to see where this goes if you write any more.
Now for the fun part: critique.
I think this is a wonderful start, but I think you could give it more. Kat is clearly struggling, but with what? Give us some hints- triggers that might make her more upset. Show us rather than tell us what she is feeling.
Okay! thank you so much for the help. <3
Amazing. There is so much potential there are just a couple spelling mistakes. Keep it up!
Thank you! ( babe ur a bum)