On my way to school, I was thinking about the story I saw on the news and about the murderer who had escaped from jail, and what he did to get in jail. I pictured the man on the news, he was strong with a short beard and a tattoo of a black heart on his left wrist. As soon as I got to school, shivers ran down my spine and made my blood run cold. I knew right away that this would be a bad day; I just had that feeling.
When I got into class, I put my head on my desk and ended up falling asleep. I had a dream about getting locked in the school with the murderer. An hour later
I woke up to the sound of my friend kate screaming my name. I ran toward her, I asked her what was happening, and she told me that I had fallen asleep in class and there had been an evacuation because somebody had gotten into the school. Then she just ran off. I watched as she rounded the corner.
I started following her but once I got to the corner, no one was there. I got to the school door, but it was jammed; somthing had fallen over the doorway, and that was the only exit that I could get to in time. I leaned against the door and slid down, feeling the cold metal on my back,
I felt my eyes start to water, after a minute I started crying. I thought about how I would never see my parents again and hoped I would get out soon. By the time I got myself together, it was midday, and I decided to see if any more people in the school had survived. As I walked around the school, it felt like the chaos had destroyed it. There were books and paper all over the halls, open lockers and bloody handprints smudged on the wallsand windows. As I was walking down the hall, I got this eerie feeling that I was being watched. Just then, I heard a bloodcurdling scream. I ran as fast as I could toward the sound. I stopped. And suddenly I saw a girl on the ground. She had long blonde hair and unblinking green eyes. I recognized her. Her name was Genevieve, and she was in seventh grade. But now she is as good as dead.
In a panic, I looked around for anything I could use to help me find what killed her. I found an old, ripped piece of paper on the ground near her body. Not wanting to be too close to the body, I quickly grabbed the paper and scattered it back. On the paper, it said “He was following me if you're reading this, I must be dead.” In shock, I stepped back, dropping the paper. Knowing that standing in the hall would be dangerous, I ran off and went to my old class, where I set up a place to rest. I tried to stay awake, but it was silent, and I was so tired I fell asleep. When I woke up, the school was darker, and the lights were flickering; the only good light was from the windows, so when I went into the hall, the flickering lights were the only way to see. As I was walking down the hall, I heard a deep voice that said,
“I will find you, Bella.” Just then, I saw someone standing at the end of the hall staring at me. Just then, all the lights went out, and it was dark. I stayed as still as I could, hoping that he wouldn't find me. As I got ready to go back to the class, I heard footsteps coming closer and closer. I ran to my old class as fast as I could; somehow, I knew the way even in the dark. I got in and the one light was still on, I closed the door and hid near the back of the room. I started hearing banging on the door then in silence, I got up to go check the door as I walked closer I felt the fear build up in my chest I got to the door then the glass shattered as I stumbled backwards I scraped my hand on the broken glass. Some part of me wanted to scream but I knew I couldn’t, as he came closer I grabbed a screwdriver and stabbed him, just as the lights went on I saw my friend's pained face as she fell to the ground I sat with her leaning on me then she whispered
“I'm sorry, Bella I was just looking for somebody else” then her eyes relaxed and the tension left her body and her eyes went dull. I ran out of the class as fast as I could, my eyes were stinging, blurred at the edges. I wiped my eyes and looked up to see a man standing at the end of the hall. He ran toward me. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. My scream was silent. When the police showed up to see if there was anybody who survived, all they found was an old, bloody screwdriver and a silver necklace next to a photo of a smiling girl named Bella.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,720 Literary Works • 675,610 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the dastardly S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - There is a murderer who is running free. Bella doesn’t want to encounter him, but then the school has an evacuation and she is still locked in there…locked with the killer himself.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that the dream about Bella being locked in the school with the murderer could have more time being described, but those are just my thoughts.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Bella runs past her friend’s dead body (Kate?) when she finds out that happened, it’s like she wants to get away from all of this as fast as possible. I also like that the police find evidence that points to Bella as the murderer, because it makes me think that there is something else going on. Something supernatural that not even Bella may realize!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather frightful story for spooky season! Perhaps Bella will always be haunted by the silent scream. If you want to add more, then you may. I have enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a marvelous day/night! ^v^
Oo this had me! I found myself really locked into your story throughout the whole thing, but there were a few things that kinda threw me off.
First, I know it’s a short story, but think there should be just a little more build up to the evacuation. Bella comes to school thinking about the killer, sleeps, and then the killers there. For me, it’s just a little anti-climactic when our focus is alwayson what we know is going to come back. I’m not saying you need a really long time, but I think the opening would be better structured with her thinking about the guy coming to school, the nightmare, and off topic interaction with Katie, and then it all erupts into chaos. That would also add more of an impact for the reader when Bella accidentally kills Katie, because—and I’m sure you’ve heard this a lot or will hear this a lot “show don’t tell”—it would help present them as better friends and be more of a gut punch for the reader.
Also how long is she sitting by the door? She says it was midday by the time she got up and she felt the need to go find survivors, but why doesn’t she look for another exit? She says it was the only one she could get to in time, but in time for what? She doesn’t know where the killer is but instead of even hiding she sits down for a bit. This part just confused me a little bit.
Also the note doesn’t make much sense either. If the seventh grader knew she was being followed why did she take the time to write a cryptic note? I think the scene would’ve made perfect sense to the reader without the note and the note only adds some confusion.
The last thing I’m going to touch on is your final sentence. “. . . and a silver necklace next to a photo of a smiling girl named Bella.” I’m sure it was initially ambiguous but it’s kind of confusing. Did Bella leave a photo of herself behind and somehow escape? Or is it supposed to tell us she’s dead? The confusion comes specifically from it being a photo of her. The line still carries weight, but the photograph adds some confusion.
Sorry if I was harsh! You have something really good coming together here and I just want to make sure you can tell your story as effectively as possible! Keep working hard and keep writing!
Okay, this was a legit tense read 😮 The last paragraph got me: the silent scream, then the police finding just a screwdriver and a necklace next to Bella's photo gave me actual chills 👀 I also loved the dream foreshadowing early on and the flickering lights, which made the whole school feel like it was holding its breath. Kate's "I was just looking for somebody else" is such a good gut-punch line too.
Now the nitpicks, because I think this could go from good to really scary 😅 The big one is the climax. The door shattering and the screwdriver bit is one giant run-on, and it reads more like a punctuation slip than intentional panic. Chop it into short, sharp sentences and it'll hit so much harder. A few typos snuck in too ("somthing," "wallsand," and Kate needs a capital K), plus "is as good as dead" jumps into present tense. I'm also curious about the black heart tattoo you set up so nicely at the start, because it never comes back, and I wanted to know who Kate was looking for and why Bella got caught in it. Oh, and sleeping through a whole evacuation is a stretch, and she stays pretty calm after finding a body, so one more beat of shock would help.
Honestly though, the bones are really good, so keep going with this stuff 🖤