Chapter 5 Muscles are Important

by Irislillygray

Published November 15, 2017

12+

In Broken Worlds

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Hi! Iris is back! Please enjoy!

“Addi!” Much’s yelled pulled Robin from his past. Robin shook the fog from his head. If he did not act now she would die, and he would have to add her soul to the many others he watched die.

Robin knelt next to her and quickly evaluated her wound. Robin was no doctor, but he had seen his fare share of sword wounds. It did not look like any important organs were punctured. The sword was lodged the side of her stomach. She was in immediate danger of bleeding to death.

Robin took off his shirt and bound the wound. Robin was surprised to find Addi still conscious when she laid her hand on his fore arm with great effort.

“You… you are buff.” She said with a painful smile. “Next time you take off your shirt, do it when I can see strait.” She said.

“Really, you’re bleeding to death and all you can think to say is about my muscles.”

“Muscles are important.” Addi said. She laid her head back and let her hand drop from Robin’s arm. “Rowan knows a little medical magic.” She coughed. Blood tinged her lips. “I think I am going to pas out now.” Addi closed her eyes.

“No don’t close your eyes!” Robin yelled at her. Robin looked up and spotted Rowan, still in the door way of the house, staring with unbelieving eyes at Addi. His face was as white as death. “Rowan!” Robin yelled. “If you don’t snap out of it, your sister will die!” Rowan blinked, he nodded. He hardened his face and but Robin could that he was barely keeping it together.

“Bring her inside.” Rowan explained with is panic stricken voice as he turned on his heals and disappeared into the house. Robin lifted under the shoulders and Much grabbed her legs, together they carefully carried Addi into the house. Robin pushed everything off the kitchen table, using the other hand to hold her shoulders. They laid her on the table as Rowan ran about grabbing supplies.

“What are you doing?” Much asked him.

“I know a bit about healing magic,” Rowan said, Robin could hear his voice shake.” I think-I think I can help her.” He said. He put the things he had gathered on the table and started to mix herds and potions together. He made a paste and then unraveled some clean white cloth and a needle and thread. He then looked to Robin.

“We are going to pull the sword out.” Rowan said, he removed Robin’s bloodied shirt from Addi’s stomach. “As soon as the sword is pulled out there will be nothing to stop the blood. I’ll need to stitch it up as soon as possible.”

Rowan whipped way as much blood as he could with a linen cloth. He then opened a jar and smeared a green paste around the sword. He closed his eyes and the paste glowed. “This will hold back some of the blood, and help the would close. But I will still have to manually stitch the wound together.” Rowan said. Robin was amazed at this young boy’s composer. A boy around the age of thirteen saying that he will stitch up his own sisters battle wound.

“You hold this cloth,” He gave the cloth to Robin.” Put presser above the wound. Much, you pull out the sword when I say. I will sew the wound together.”Robin put pressure above the wound, Much put his hand on the hit of the sword.

“Ready?” Rowan asked, Robin nodded. “Then pull!” Much pulled the sword out, Addi’s body arched as Much pulled out he sword. She scram in pain. Without the sword to keep the blood in, the blood flowed out.

“Rowan,” A voice came from the other room. Evellia stood in the door way. When she saw Addi she rushed over.

“Addylinne!” She scram.

“Much get her out of here!” Robin yelled as he put as much pressure above the wound as he could, but it did not help much. Much grabbed Evellia shoulders and took her back to her room. Robin could see the wound’s edges struggle together, the magic paste seemed to be working. All Rowan had to do was to help the wound close all the way with his needled and thread. He had trouble holding the needle with all of the blood, but he worked fast.

By the time that the wound on Addi’s side was sewn up she one fourth of her blood must have left her. Rowan bysied him self buy making another paste which he rubbed into Addi skin around the wound gently. Then he bandaged her up.

When Rowan finished, he and Robin slumped to the floor, exhausted mentally and physically. By then it was dark out and raining. Rowan looked at Robin, his eyes full of terror fear and worry. Robin wrestled his hair.

“She be fine. Where did you learn healing magic?” Robin asked him to keep Rowan’s mind off his sister.

“I learn over the years. When my mother got sick, and I was always trying to find ways to ease her discomfort. I just stumbled upon magic, and the rest came naturally.” He looked at his hands.

Robin knew what it felt like to have a lot of responsibility. When he was younger he was thrust in the the leadership of Loxley. It was hard for him. Everyone came to him with their problems, and they expected him to solve them. Who was he suppose to go for help? Robin struggled until his cousin Will came to help him. Having someone there for him always helped ease the burden. Robin wondered who that person was for Rowan.

“I’m gonna make sure she is ok.” Rowan said, Rowan got up and searched for Addi’s heart beat. He couldn’t seem to find it.

“What’s wrong?” Robin asked.

“I-I can’t find her heartbeat…” Robin shot up he pulled a dagger from his belt and put it under her nose.

“She’s not breathing.” Robin, “The metal will fog up when one breathes onto it.” Rowan lost all the color in his face for the second time that night. Addi also looked pale, her face twisted in her death like sleep, more like her…

The door slammed opened. A small figure walked thought the door. The figure took off their hood and a woman with light blonde hair closed the door. When the woman saw Addi on the table, she took a step to the table, Rowan prevented her from reaching Addi. This love and fear for his sister gave him strength and bravery.

“What do you want with my sister?” He said.

“She is dyeing, and we don’t have long. But I can save her.” The woman said. Rowan knew his sister was dyeing and he could do nothing more for her. But if this woman could do anything… He could only hope. Rowan stepped aside and let the woman examine Addi. She removed the badges. She spoke what Robin though as an inaction, the stitches removed themselves. Blood flowed. The woman said another inaction, the wound let off a bright light and closed, only leaving behind a scar.

Addi gasped, and her eyes opened.

It has been recently brought to my attention that Much is very 2D and I agree. However I am not sure were I can add some characterization! Any tips?

And, I was thinking, that if I write shorter chapters I can get them out much faster. Which do you guy prefer, quickly posting short chapters or long waiting for long chapters?

Oh! And thank you all for the nice reviews! They help and a lot and make me feel so fluffy inside, like eating ice-cream with your best friend!

Thank you! Love you all!

~Iris

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · Nov 26, 2017

Hi, Irislillygray! Happy Review Day! Pan dropping in for a quick critique. I haven't read all of the previous chapters, so I apologise in advance if I misunderstand things, but I'll try to be as helpful as I can. I'll go through nitpicks first and close with my overall thoughts. I'll put suggested changes and spelling/grammar corrections in blue.

Nitpicks

“Addi!” Much’s yelled pulled Robin from his past.


Robin was no doctor, but he had seen his fair share of sword wounds.


It did not look like any important organs were punctured. The sword was lodged in the side of her stomach. She was in immediate danger of bleeding to death.


Grammatically, there's nothing wrong with it, but it's a very clinical, distant description of what's happening. I don't get any sense of panic from Robin. Why not actually describe the wound? You could talk about how the blood glistens on her skin, how warm and sticky it against his hands, about the smell of it. Try and get into the senses of the moment. It will make the writing much more immersive.

she laid her hand on his forearm with great effort.


Forearm is one word.

“You… you are buff,” she said with a painful smile.


Looking at the whole piece, you struggle with punctuating dialogue correctly. Where you have speech followed by a dialogue tag (something like 'he said', 'she said', 'the man said' etc.) the speech should never be closed with a full stop. It should be closed with a comma, or an exclamation mark or question mark where necessary. The first letter of the dialogue tag should also never be capitalised (unless you've got a proper noun), even if the speech is closed with a question/exclamation mark.

I'll show you some examples to illustrate:

"Welcome to the circus." She said. (Wrong!)
"Welcome to the circus," She said. (Wrong!)

"Welcome to the circus," she said. (Right!)

"Have you seen the dog?" The man asked. (Wrong!)
"Have you seen the dog?" the man asked. (Right!)

Dialogue punctuation is a fiddly business and can take a while to get to grips with, so I'll refer you to this excellent article as a more extensive guide. It talks about things I haven't covered here, complete with examples. It's definitely worth the read!

do it when I can see straight,” she said.


“I think I am going to pass out now.”


still in the doorway of the house


Like 'forearm', 'doorway' is also one word.

Rowan explained in a panic-stricken voice as he turned on his heels


She screamed in pain.


The past tense of 'scream' is 'screamed', not 'scram'. Make sure you change any other instances of 'scram', too.

Rowan busied himself by making another paste


“She is dying


This is the spelling you're looking for. 'Dyeing' means to colour fabric.

Overall Thoughts

1) You're struggling quite a lot with grammar and spelling at the moment. Most of the time, it's a case of not choosing the right spelling for a certain word sense, e.g. putting 'dyeing' rather than 'dying' and 'strait' rather than 'straight'. Nevertheless, there are quite a lot of mistakes that a spellchecker would pick up on, so it's a good idea to run your work through one before you post it here.

2) I remember reading the first two chapters of this and wondering how you were going to put an original spin on the Robin Hood story, so I'm interested to see you incorporating magic into the tale. It adds an unusual edge to it.

3) I don't get enough sense of fear and panic from Robin. From the way you write it, he seems very removed from the situation, not particularly worried or distressed by sight of this woman bleeding out. I can understand Robin being a practical, level-headed sort of person who can focus on the problem at hand and shut out his fear, but he should still be more emotional than he is. I seem to remember that Robin was in a war before the main story. Would seeing a stab wound not drag up some upsetting memories for him?

4) The way your characters speak doesn't always seem that reminiscent of the time period they're living in, which I'd guess is around the 15th century given that's when the first Robin Hood ballads date back to. I'm not sure someone from that long ago would describe a man as 'buff'. If you're uncertain about the age of a word or phrase, you can pop it into this search engine to get a rough estimate of when it came into use. It isn't as good as subscription services such as the Oxford English Dictionary Online, but it can give you a general idea.

I'll call the review here. Despite the gaps in my knowledge of the story, I hope this critique was still useful. Once again, I bid you a happy Review Day!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thank you for the review and the search engine for words! I don't know much about old english, so thank you for the tips! And yes spelling and grammar is very hard for me; thank you for your help with spelling and grammar! I really needed it!
Thanks,
~Iris

User avatar
wordwing
Review
wordwing wrote a review Review · Nov 26, 2017

Hello! Wordwing here for a review!
I must say I really like this chapter, even though I haven't read any others, nor do I like romance but that might change because of this one. Warning: this review is full of crazy comments, read at your own risk.
Let's jump in.

as he turned on his heals

This is incredibly funny. I don't want to offend you I am just admiring this funny line, well part of it.
TURN ON THE HEALS MERCY OR I'LL BASH YOU!
Reinhard says(sorry, I had to)
GIMMEEE THOSE HEALSSSS!
Alright, let's continue.
I liked the part where she was bleeding and said he's buff.
I AM BLEEDING!
"DON'T WORRY, I'M BUFF!" MUSCLES ARE IMPORTANT!(III BEGGG TO DIFFERRRRR!)
(sorry, I just had to)
Anyway, you made a mistake somewhere in the middle. You wrote herds instead of herbs.
GREEN PASTE? Well, someone has been playing Rick and Morty surgeon.(sorry again, I have nothing against that, it's ok)
And hey, how did that woman in the end appear out of nowhere and knew immediately what was going on?

would-wound
composer-composure
sisters-sister's
presser- pressure?
scram-screamed I think. not sure
needled-needle
buy-by
bysied- ???
into-onto addi's
learn-learned
dyeing-dying
She be- She'll be
trusted-entrusted with?
suppose-supposed

This piece is fast paced and entertaining, but you should slow down with the writing and watch out for the grammar issues and typos.

Best of luck,

Wordwing

Thanks for the review! I really struggle with spelling and grammar, so thank you for pointing it out! I am very glad you thought it was funny!
Thank you again!
~Iris

User avatar
SnowGhost
Comment
SnowGhost commented Comment · Nov 15, 2017

Awesome :) also I think longer chapters work better

Ok, Thanks for your thoughts!
~Iris



There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart